Tuesday, September 26, 2006

A Really Really, Urgently Urgent Need

Dear Benevolent Friend,

These are the worst days in the history of time. As you know, for years, we’ve devoted ourselves to fighting the pain, suffering, lack of culture, destruction of our natural resources, stupid and/or evil politicians, darkness, shortness, and locusts that endanger our world, and make honorable people have nightmares.

But now, we’re crossing the threshhold.

From the time beginning when you opened this letter and ending in the next ninety days or so, we enter our darkest hour. A time when everyone will die. They will die without music, with no trees, in the dark. Just shriveled up, illiterate beings, writhing in agony, an agony you could have done something about.

And they will be the lucky ones.

We at the Society thank you for your previous generosity. Last week’s contribution of five hundred dollars was thoughtful, is portable, easy to use, and goes with everything.

And yet, in this time of critically dire emergency, can’t you find a place in your heart to help keep a tiny candle of hope flickering in the face of relentless disaster?

We’re a very efficient organization. Charity Auditor Monthly calls us “nerve-wrackingly thrifty.” Our few employees work 18 hour days, living on surplus wood chips and FlavorAde. Our refuse is sold to organic farms, helping to feed America, and in a larger sense, the world.

Former Presidents Bill Clinton, George H. W. Bush, General Colin Powell, Oprah Winfrey, Nelson Mandela, Toby Keith, Jennifer Aniston, Lance Armstrong, both England Dan and John Ford Coley, Harcourt Fenton Mudd, Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario, two of the California Raisins, Nicole Ritchie, Derek Jeter, Marshall Faulk, Johnny Petraglia, Dale Earnhardt Jr, S. Epatha Merkerson, C.K. Dexter-Haven, and the Incredible Hulk all support our good work. Won’t you join them in our time of greatest need?

Please contribute at any level. Even ten dollars can make a difference.

Those who contribute one hundred fifty (150) (CL) dollars or more to our Urgent Crisis Fund will qualify for our Making a Difference Cyberwalk of Glory. A five hundred (500) (D) dollar contribution, in addition to the lives, trees, symphonies, terns, and unbombed countries it will save, will qualify you for the Inner Circle Dinner, to be held simultaneously and exclusively at Hippodromes around the country, with people like the above-mentioned celebrities in attendance.

The time is short. The need is unprecedented. The light grows dim.

Please give now. This may be our last message, as supply lines grow longer and longer during this siege, and our childhoods begin to pass before our eyes. Idyllic childhoods savored on our beautiful Earth, filled with colors, joy and love—a fading memory. We remember sweet, sweet candy…