This Will All Make Sense in a Minute

2008-12-14T20:54:00.000-08:00

2oo8's Top News Headlines:

Perry Ellis in Partnership with Apple for Latest iPod Accessory—Sleek New Designer Blindfold

Clinton Campaign Reveals: “Ducking From ‘Copter” Actually Memory from Opening Credits to “M*A*S*H”

Obama Campaign: Clinton’s Jesse Jackson Reference Racist

Hillary Cries, Wins New Hampshire

Huckabee—All Brothers in Christ Created Equal

John Edwards Introduces “Big John”, Drops out of Race.

Study: Obesity Caused by Excess Fat

Bush Breaks Record--- 357th Weekly Radio Address Featuring Phrase, “Everything’s Fine.”

Gas Breaks 5-dollar Mark; GM rolls Out ’09 Sherman Tank-- One Highway, Point-Five City.

People’s Republic of China Signs Michael Phelps for Two-Week “Swimtastics” to Introduce New, “Fast-Watered” Cube; 120,000 Extras, Gymnasts, NBC Also Slated to Appear

Mitt Romney Pledges to Bring Home the Bacon; Fry it up in a Pan

Giuliani Bites Rotweiller, Gains 5 Points

NY Governor Eliot Spitzer Introduces “Big Eliot”, Will Accept Clerical Post in Greenland.

Minnesota Vows to Fill Senate Seat In time for 2012 Duluth Olympics

O.J. Simpson Rescues Innocent Memorabilia in Heroic, Entebbe-Like Hotel Raid

GQ Cover: How to Turn Yourself a Tall, Thin, Snappily-Dressed African-American in Front of a Blue Background

3.9 Million Attend Obama’s Denver’s Acceptance Speech; McCain Has Big Lunch at Diner

NBC Adds New Crime Drama to Fall Schedule: “Law & Order: Law and Order”

Dodgers Acquire Manny Ramirez; Thousands Violate City Ordinance, Attend Dodger Games

McCain Pick, Alaska Cheerleader:“So Gosh-Darned Excited” to Run with Maverick McCain, against Terrorist Obama

Yahoo Rejects Takeover Bids from Google, Microsoft, Pepsico, Cokesico, Mormons, Pinkberry

Press Release: “Linens n’ Things” to Downsize; Will Focus on Things

Archaelogy’s Latest Find—Baseball Team in Tampa, Florida

Among Newly-Released Nixon Papers: Agnew Designed Uniforms for Cabinet Members, Staff; Bermuda Shorts for Summer

Dream Realized: Corleone Family Completely Legitimate

Bush Justice Department Selects US Attorneys Based on Smell

Mr. Potter Demands Billion-Dollar Bailout from Citizens of Bedford Falls

Box Office: “Deranged Teen Killer” Falls to 3rd, behind “Really Deranged Teen Killer,” “Mamma Mia”

Wife Helps Kucinich Win Fantasy Primary, 9 Virtual Delegates

5 Remaining Newspapers Sweep Journalism Awards

China Pioneers Lead Paint Chip Baby Food

Dictators Hall of Fame Waives 5-Year Waiting Period; Inducts Castro

Obama Wins Historic Victory, Watches CNBC; Tomorrow First Fitting for Superhero Cape

2008-11-19T23:40:00.000-08:00

Enemies List Statute to Expire: Clooney, Baldwin, 141-Thousand Others, to be Reinstated as U.S. Citizens

(Washington, D.C.) – Over one hundred thousand Americans, designated as “B status citizens” by the Bush Administration, will be rehabilitated to full citizenship in official ceremonies slated for January 21, 2009.

Sources close to President-elect Barack Obama’s inner circle, say that actors George Clooney and Alec Baldwin, screenwriter Aaron Sorkin, recording artists Martie Maguire, Natalie Maines, and Emily Robison, know as "The Dixie Chicks," will all participate in a Citizenship Reinstatement Ceremony at Washington’s FedEx Field.

A “B status” citizenship restricts travel, requires monthly check-ins at “B-House,” in Landover, MD, and permits intelligence agencies to treat the individual as a “person of interest” in all investigations.

On the west coast, 4-Star General Eric Shinseki, retired General Wesley Clarke, Marijuana enthusiast Bill Maher, “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane, and Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy will headline a ceremony at AT&T Park in San Francisco.

Many ordinary Americans, in the doghouse because of their disagreement with White House policies, or even their fondness for French food, will once again be able to walk without ankle bracelets, assemble in public, or have guests stay overnight, as any “A status” American can.

How’d the soon-to-be reinstated react to the good news? Rapper Kanye West told a crowd in Kansas City, “Warm up your stove, darlin’. Daddy’s comin’ home.”

Comedian David Letterman told his audience, “Reason number three that I’m glad: Original stalkers more attractive than Government Issue stalkers."

Meanwhile, Journalist Dan Rather told reporters, “This is one cowboy who’ll celebrate this day of freedom by savoring the clear crisp taste of a Fresca.”

2008-11-19T23:38:00.000-08:00

Shaking Stops in Poughkeepsie

(Poughkeepsie, NY) – The constant rumbling and shaking in this community on the banks of the Hudson River, have finally come to an end.

Mayor John Kimbrough says, the city can be proud of its steadfastness.

“For almost a decade now, we’ve tended to our mending. We survived without a scratch, business as usual. The folks who go to work at IBM, the workforce, professors and students at Vassar, have continued to function, and all-in-all, we haven’t wasted our time worrying about these slight tremors, because we wouldn’t let a little jiggling prevent a Fourth of July Celebration, our Hudson River Candlefest, or any other of our traditions.

“And next year, we celebrate Poughkeepsie’s 350th birthday. If this quiet continues, it will be safe to light that birthday cake!

Seismologists say the epicenter of the continuous low-intensity rumble has come from slightly north of the city, in the town of Hyde Park, NY, but they’ve been at a loss to determine the cause.

The only explanation we were able to track down came from lifelong resident and local character Arnie Parsaghian, who mentioned that President Franklin Delano Roosevelt was buried in Hyde Park, and since November 4th, he’d stopped spinning in his grave.

2008-10-22T21:46:00.000-07:00

McCain Clarifies Remarks About Obama

At a news conference today, Arizona Senator John McCain made this statement to reporters:

“Senator Obama is good and decent man. Of course, we still don’t know all the details about his relationships with terrorists. But the terrorist we’re referring to, William Ayres, is a washed-up old terrorist, and that doesn’t interfere with the fact that Barack Obama is a solid citizen who wants the best for our country.

“Of course, we’d know more about his connections with this terrorist if he’d make them clear. I know he’s addressed the issue, but not fully, and when you have a man who wants to lead the country, and has such a relationship, you can’t help but wonder what will happen when this man has our armed forces at our disposal, and then his old terrorist buddy calls up, and there’s that red button to press, but neither I nor anyone associated with this campaign except my running mate, believes there’s any chance that could happen.

“What if he is a Muslim? What if he’s a radical Muslim? Not all Muslims or even all radical followers of Islam want to destroy America. We believe in freedom of religion. So whether he’s a Christian, as he now claims to be, or whether he is in fact a man who prays to Allah five times a day and follows a cleric who is uncomfortable with the existence of the state of Israel, it is not our place to judge, my friends.

“Senator Obama is a good and kind man, with a beautiful family. That’s what’s important. That’s what we should judge him on. Not whether he happens to have friends who want to destroy America, or whether his family occasionally visits Mecca.”

2008-10-22T21:40:00.001-07:00

Obama Tempted to Say Something Stupid

ABC News is reporting that Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama is tempted to say something stupid before Election Day.

In what he believed to be an off-the-record conversation with ABC’s Diane Sawyer, Obama confided, “When you run for President, every word you say is a potential controversy. So you are constantly watching what you say and how you say it. And that’s what I will continue to do.

“Look, no one said a presidential campaign would be an easy undertaking. But anyone with intelligence or creativity, which we’ve seen all across America, would eventually want to get away with a little mischief. And when you have a lead, that hankering becomes almost irresistable.

“So-- do I get the urge to say something outrageous, like ‘Sarah Palin can shoot moose but she can’t spell it?’—sure. Would I like to say, ‘My first act as President will be to send Dick Cheney out on a street corner with a cardboard sign, and see how he does out there?’ You bet. Or something like, ‘People of America, I promise never to be seen in public without my multi-colored ceremonial robe?’ No doubt.

“Sure, it’s only natural to want to have a little fun. But bear in mind, some people won’t realize that I’m kidding if I say, ‘All neo-cons should have to re-apply for U.S. Citizenship,’ or ‘Sometimes Uruguay really pisses me off.’

“My personal favorite, and the one I’d never say, is “Let me get this straight. Peter O’Toole is a movie star, Dick Armey is a congressional leader, and I’m the one with the funny name?’

The Obama campaign had no comment in response to our phone calls, but Senator John McCain called back personally to say, “I’m very disappointed in Senator Obama. And he’ll raise your taxes.”

2008-10-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

Obamafans: When Will Stubborn McCain Concede?

(Racine, WI) Trish Bassett is a software designer for iGot Technologies, which partners with Google, Yahoo, and Kraft Foods to create network synergies. But right now she spends nights and weekends working for Barack Obama’s presidential campaign.

While she’s glad to see her candidate out in front, she slumps in her chair during a coffee break.

“I can’t believe we have to go through this all over again. What is it with politicians?”

The “this” that Obama’s supporters are “going through,” is once again enduring the long wait for a hopeless adversary to “wise up” and drop out of the race.

“I mean, with Hillary, we almost understood, because we knew she was the queen bitch from Hell. I say affirmations every night that within myself and within the world, may there be peace, but if I saw Hillary walking down the street, I know I’d tear her a new one. At least one. She had some nerve even running for the job.”

Sliding her hands back into the sleeves of her oversized sweater, Trish hugs her coffee cup and continues her lament.

“But McCain’s not Hillary Clinton. He was a prisoner of war, he’s served in the Senate since Coolidge was President, he’s a neat guy. His politics make you gag, but I thought he had enough class to read the writing on the wall.”

Asked if her views were the views of the Obama campaign, Trish suddenly perks up.

“Are you kidding me? Barack would never say anything like that. Oh, at the Racine office, we still have our Hillary dartboard. But Barack, no way. He’s so kind and forgiving, so charming, he doesn’t have it in his heart to think that way.

I mean, all it would take would be one little call. ‘Senator McCain? You’re a good guy and all that, but for the good of the country, how would you feel about suspending your campaign?’ Gentle, like that, because he’s a gentle guy. And yet, very much a man.

“I think that’s what a lot of people don’t understand about Barack. He’s not just someone with good political ideas. He’s someone who’s very tender and caring. And they should just let him take office.”

But, the election’s only a couple weeks away. Can’t Trisha just wait fourteen more days? She sighs.

“I suppose that going through the motions and blah blah blah, doing the actual physical action of slogging through the voting, is something we’ll have to live with. Poor Barack.”

2008-10-21T19:12:00.000-07:00

Palin Decries Vicious Quoting Campaign

Saying that she’s “sick and tired of these liberal so-and-so’s in their ivory town cars,” Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin called for an end to “… these tactics by the Democrats who think they can get away with using words that I have said to suggest some terribly malicious things about me, which I think people who have families and care about putting food on the table for the young ones do not want when they have issues of morality. Or I certainly wouldn’t, and I hear what people are telling me.”

In front of 5,000 delighted McCain supporters in Freesport, TN, Palin challenged the Democratic ticket. “If these Democrat guys want to have a fair debate with me over what I meant to say, or what I was really thinking at the time I said the thing, that’s fine. But to take some things when I said them, and then realize how they’re going to raise your taxes, which people just plain don’t want.”

Later, Palin sat down with FOXNews reporter Jan Barbish to explain.
“For instance, when I said that ‘Barack Obama pals around with terrorists,’ I think any Joe Six-Pack or Jill Martini understands what I’m talking about, and it’s not to put anyone in a bad light or suggest a terroristic agenda in specific. But some of these brandy-sniffing, Tiparillo-smoking metrosexual reporter types tend to jump to conclusions.

“Or when I said, ‘We should be devoting our time to talking to the good countries,’ the Leninist-Stalinist-Nazi guys, over on their side with the Obamas, started accusing me of being a bad foreign policy person.

“But, y’know, Jan, it really really doesn’t matter, because I know that, in my heart, I’m the one who wants what’s best for America. That’s why I’ve teamed up with a true Maverick, who won’t raise your taxes like some other people we know. I think the Hockey Moms and the Militia Dads understand me, and they’re the ones who really care about America.”

2008-09-08T23:51:00.000-07:00

ATM's RECOGNIZE $10 BILL

America’s automated teller machines (ATMs), meeting at an undisclosed cyber-location, have secretly voted to recognize the $10 bill.

The ATMs union chief, Paysmooth F96134-pp5r17/^, nicknamed “Zarban,” told reporters that the vote was held during Labor Day, a bank holiday.

“Would you like to check your balance before we start?” Zarban said, adding “10 number is perfect. Man no allow 10 bill for stupid. Would you like to make a withdrawal, make a deposit, transfer cash or other?”

We asked, “Why say man stupid?”

Zarban replied, “Let Burr kill Hamilton. Now withhold Hamilton-face money. Stupid. Would you like a receipt? No? See? Stupid!”

2008-09-04T00:23:00.000-07:00

Tan Delays Delegate

(St. Paul, MN) Oklahoma State Senator Lyman Callendale was refused admission to Wednesday’s proceedings at the Republican National Convention, when security guards stopped him at the gate, saying he didn’t look like his Delegate Credential photograph.

Callendale, who spent parts of Sunday, Monday and Tuesday at Eagan, Minnesota’s Totally Exotique Tan TM, tried to enter the Xcel Energy Center with his new bronzed look.

The security guards called for party officials to come vouch for Callendale, whose tan ever so slightly deepened while he was waiting to be admitted. Finally, it was Oklahoma’s Secretary of Agriculture, Boyd Tuckman, who blurted out, “Lyman, is that you?”

Convention spokeswoman Billie Sauers urged reporters not to draw conclusions. “Look guys, the Republican Party welcomes people of all skin colors. Just look across this convention floor and you’ll see not just alabaster skin, but eggshell, bone, pink, deep bone, ecru and freckled.”

2008-09-02T01:20:00.001-07:00

Obama Retools Alaska Strategy

Alan Pierce, campaign strategist for Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama, announced changes in the candidate’s traveling schedule to salvage his slight lead in the pivotal state of Alaska.

“With John McCain’s choice of Governor Sarah Palin for the Vice Presidential slot,” Pierce told reporters, “It’s a whole new ball game,” adding, “As Alaska goes, so goes Washington, Oregon, Louisiana, Kentucky, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Michigan, Guam, Puerto Rico, Ohio and New Mexico.”

2008-09-02T01:17:00.000-07:00

Behind the Scenes: McCain’s VP Selection Process

Sources from within the McCain Presidential campaign have provided enough details to piece together the events surrounding McCain’s selection of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin for the Vice Presidency, who accepted McCain’s invitation, saying, in part, “It’s a heavy burden knowing that should Mr. America be unable to fulfill his duties, I, the first runner up, will have to pick up the crown and take over.”

The Arizona Senator was determined to find the best prospect, in a fair and open-minded prospects. “These are all good people,” a senior campaign official told TWAMSIAM. “the Senator wanted all potential veep choices to know, in advance, how they’d be selected.”

It was political consultant Karl Rove who came up with the idea for a pageant. “We Republicans believe in the marketplace. Why not let the finalists compete?”

Most of the campaign staff believed that former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney would win, after he captured the Poise competition.

Then attention turned to fit and firm Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, who won the swimsuit category.

What happened next was described by McCain himself:

“My friends, when I saw Governor Pelvin in the talent competition, and she came out as the Greek huntress Diana, shooting an arrow at the glass ceiling that so many women have fought, I thought of my own wife Cindy. I thought of Regis and Kelly, I thought of Donald Trump and what’s-her-name, and I thought, no one will see this coming, and doggone it, together Sandy Paulson and I are gonna win this thing.”

2008-09-02T01:11:00.000-07:00

Olbermann Okays Democratic Ticket

MSNBC Anchor, Host, and Special Commenter Keith Olbermann today affixed his signature and his golden wax seal to the official documents certifying Senators Barack Obama and Joe Biden as the Presidential and Vice Presidential nominees of the Democratic Party.

“People are going to make more out of this than it really is,” Olbermann told The New York Times, “Especially that &#%*}$-er (FoxNews host) Bill O’Reilly.”

The Times says Democratic leaders met with Olbermann in his palatial working space at MSNBC headquarters. “The Obama, the Biden, the Dean, and their minions entered the sanctum, and all I really did was, I spake unto them saying, ‘Yes, it is seemly that the Obama and the Biden go forth and make change across America. Be not like Al Smith, whose life story I know in detail, but like Franklin Roosevelt, whose life story I also know, in even greater detail.’ Yes, they backed out of the room always facing me, but no, their lips didn’t touch me or the floor or anything worth noting.”

In Mr. Olbermann’s defense, scientific double-blind studies confirm that Bill O’Reilly actually is a &#%*}$-er.

2008-08-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

Gates, Buffett Plan Energy Think Tank

Microsoft founder Bill Gates and Bershire Hathaway billionaire Warren Buffett today issued a call to “the great minds of our time,” to help reduce world energy consumption, dedicating 30 billion dollars toward scholarships, chair endowments at 24 universities, and construction, once a fuel-saving technology is developed.

Gates told reporters at a news conference in midtown Manhattan, “This task will require the kind of imagination that changes history. Imagine some sort of technology that allows writers to write, and readers to read, without using vast amounts of electricity to complete the task!!

"Or, what if there were some way for people to create and hear music without constantly recharging and downloading content, and draining our valuable power supply?”

Buffett added a note of humor to the proceedings. “I told Bill, heck, if there were some we could make faucets and toilets work without electronic beams, that alone would be worth the price of admission.”

The initiative is already gaining momentum. Richard Keitmaster, CEO of Bally Total Fitness, has pledged 10 million dollars toward an effort to learn how people can exercise without electricity.

2008-07-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

Jackson joins with Planters to Rein in Obama

The Reverend Jesse Jackson has joined Kraft Foods subsidiary Planters Nuts to restrict the consumption habits of Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama.

Jackson says, a candidate’s eating habits must be closely monitored during a long campaign. “Voters prefer a trim and fit physique. With the fat content in cashews, peanuts, almonds, and other nut and legume products, the often sedentary lifestyle of politicians makes them vulnerable to massive weight gain.”

Planters Vice President for Operations Tracy Handsler told reporters:

“We thank the Reverend Jackson for bringing our attention to this issue. As of today, Senator Obama will not be eligible to consume a filbert, a pecan, or a walnut, or for that matter any kind of nut.
“We’re in the awkward position of a neighborhood bartender who wants to make the customer happy, but at some point has to say, ‘sorry pal, we’re cutting your nuts off.’”

2008-07-09T23:15:00.000-07:00

Conservation Tips

Air condition your house after 11 pm, when a cooler outdoor temperature means fewer BTU’s required, and less strain on the power grid.

For festive holiday arrangements, use the natural plants in your area. You’ll save time and money, and you’ll save water. For example, in the southwestern United States, honor your Valentine with a lovely Barrel or Hedgehog Cactus.

Lighten your car’s load. Save up to ten miles a gallon by removing passengers from your station wagon.

Also for motorists: for summertime security, don’t seal up your car and overheat the interior. Instead, leave the windows wide open, placing a piece of used cheese on the passenger seat.

Raising cattle consumes massive amounts of energy, water, and vegetation lower on the food chain. In stead of that steak, next time, find a delicious vinagrette marinade, and, over medium heat, grill up a batch of junk mail.

Fun energy fact: Between October 17th and November 1st of 1894, the emissions from a Congressional debate fueled a steam locomotive’s entire cross country journey. The train arrived in San Francisco, just as the hot air was running out.

Gangsters Only: The bodies of your enemies make excellent compost.

Bleary-eyed from staring at your monitor? Unplug your computer every seven minutes, and do some healthy stretching exercises.

Did you know? A Hummer H2 only burns 34 ounces of gasoline an hour when the engine is off.
The entire electricity supply of Woodland Hills, California, comes from a retrofitted liposuction residue-burning energy plant.

2008-06-17T23:54:00.000-07:00

Universal Theme Park Reveals Flaming Ape Attraction

Spurred on by the free publicity and sellout crowds that followed the destruction of its landmark King Kong, Universal Studios says the Kong attraction will be replaced “Kong, the Flaming Giant Monkey!” in which the King of the Apes will constantly catch fire.

Stacy Colangelo, vice president for public relations, told reporters, it’s the next logical addition to the fun at Universal. “People come to Universal for the thrill of safely experiencing tragedies-- Earthquakes, floods, twisters, and avalanches. Every day, thousands of visitors suffer through the devastation of fire on our ‘Backdraft’ ride; think of this as ‘Backdraft 2: Smells Like Monkey.’ It’s fun, because it’s dangerous.”

2008-06-16T22:54:00.001-07:00

NBA’s Internal Memos Reveal Film Anxiety

In a surprising move, NBA Commissioner David J. Stern today released selected portions of the league office’s internal correspondence, in response to a request from lawyers for disgraced NBA referee Tim Donaghy.

The emails and memos disclose no new evidence about alleged “game-fixing,” but did reveal that league officials spent many hours in committee meetings trying to decide which upcoming movie the NBA Finals most resemble.

One sample memo reads: Clearly, Boston v Cleveland = ‘Indiana Jones and the Whatever it is This Time,’ but Lakers-San Antonio might be more like ‘Sex in the City,’ or ‘Das Boot.’

It was, in fact, 3 pm EDT on June 5, 2008, just hours before game one, when the league reached its finding the the Finals would most resemble “Hancock.”

2008-06-16T22:51:00.000-07:00

Fan’s Final Decision: Lakers

Marc Sundstrum, a 23-year-old shift manager at Lucky’s in Harborville, Illinois, has finally chosen to root for the Los Angeles Lakers, in the NBA finals, against the Boston Celtics.

“In the first coupla games, I was thinking Celtics,” Sundstrum acknowledged. “When they introduced the Lakers, there was no music behind them at all, so I didn’t know how to feel about them. Meanwhile, when Boston came out, the arena got dark, and then there was stirring, rhythmic music that made me proud of America, and excited about the action yet to come.”

When the action shifted to Los Angeles, Sundstrum, says, “All of a sudden, the Celtics looked very humdrum, kinda ordinary, without the lights and music. But once they were introduced, the Staples Center went dark, and, along with the smoke and the lights, there was stirring rhythmic music that made me proud of America, and excited about the action yet to come.”

The series returns to Boston Tuesday night.

2008-06-14T23:34:00.000-07:00

Iron Man

(126 minutes, color)

Robert Downey, Jr. (Robert Downey, Jr.) goes through rehab in the desert, including healing with magnets, then a couple more times in Malibu (Malibu, California), each time a little sweatier and a little more life-threatening.

Finally, he gets that massive drug monkey (Jeff Bridges) off his back, and finds a woman who loves him and sees right through his nonsense (Gwyneth Paltrow). And he rebuilds himself so he can never be hurt again.
Cocaine: Jon Favreau.

2008-04-29T18:55:00.000-07:00

More Campaign Headlines

"Bill Clinton: Technically, Hillary Already is President"

"Top Pro Bowlers to Debate Health Care"

"YouTube Hillary Vid Features Little Richard's 'The Girl Can't Help It' "

"Richardson: Hillary, You Destroy Party; Smirnoff: In Russia, Party Destroys You"

"Obama Disavows Wright; McCain Disavows Falwell; Chelsea Disavows Parents"

2008-04-27T23:02:00.000-07:00

Headlines From the Campaign Trail:

“Clinton Can’t Win; Obama Can’t Close”

“Obama Adviser Fired for ‘Little Blonde Troglodyte’ Remark”

“Clinton Publicist Promoted for Capitalizing on “Troglodyte” Remark”

“Barack, Hillary Debate in Philadelphia; Troglodytes March Outside in Protest”

“Obama Staffer Offended by Clinton Supporter’s Indignation Over Obama’s Criticism of Clinton’s Finger-Wagging About Obama’s Cousin’s Blog Entry”

“Disaffected Feminist Soccer Moms Refuse to Bond with Effete Dismissive Lexus Drivers”

“Candidates Sign Spouse Non-Proliferation Pact”

“McCain Visits General Store; Sips Sasparilla”
“Hillary’s Alien Baby Battles Barack’s Laser-Eyed Jackie Onassis Look Alike”

2008-03-14T00:19:00.001-07:00

Fair and Balanced, Take Two.

Also from the New Yorker, say hello to Obama's rival, Hillary Clinton.

I KNOW! I can't tell them apart either.

I just can't pick between the reflective guy in the casual clothes, or the Nazi gal on the donkey.

2008-03-13T21:20:00.001-07:00

Obama Orders Lunch

Democratic front-runner Barack Obama ordered lunch today, in front of over 60,000 supporters at Lincoln Financial Field, in Philadelphia.

Mary’s Place Restaurant and Catering, of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, was reconstructed, straddling the fifty-yard line at the official stadium of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Wendy Marder, a Mary’s Place server, asked the senator, “What would you like to have first?”

Unfazed, Obama replied, “Wendy, this is not about what I’m going to have first. It’s about people all over this country, in big towns and small-- from the purple mountains majesty, to the neighborhoods where people struggle to be heard -- it’s about all of us coming first, for the first time in a long time... How are the scallops?”

After a roar from the crowd, Marder informed Senator Obama that the scallops were “delicious.”

The senator ordered them, along with “a turkey melt, piled so high, and cooked so gently, that all Americans who are hungry will sit at this table, at a place reserved just for them, not for the old bitter Arkansas-style barbecue of the past, but for a new sandwich of consensus, where the cheese joins with the turkey, where the onions drip onto the bread. Because a sandwich divided cannot stand."

After a five minute standing ovation, Marder replied, “Oh, it’s a pretty good sandwich.”

For dessert, Obama set a new precedent, declaring, “Wendeh, surprise me.”

An aide just then appeared, reminding the senator that Pennsylvania is north of the Mason Dixon line. Obama swiftly made the adjustment.

“Wendy, surprise me. Because, whether it’s Mary’s famous Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup Pie, Pineapple Mandarin Orange Cake, or one of the many surprises you bake every day here, or even if it’s a dish of sherbet, it’s important that each one of us gets to give voice to their creative spirit.

“And so, this afternoon, four score and seven minutes since we left the tarmac, it falls upon your shoulders, Wendy, to help us create a new nation, conceived in Liberty and allowing all bakers, chefs, waitstaff, and good old law abiding citizens, to innovate and bring whatever dessert they find it in their hearts to share.”

The crowd once again erupted, this time joined by a glittering Lincoln Financial Field fireworks display, after which Obama added,

"This is my meal, but I pledge today, that this meal will last as long as I serve in the Oval Office. Because I'll be there for you.

"I'll be all around in the dark. I'll be everywhere, wherever you can look. Wherever there's a fight so hungry people can eat, I'll be there. Wherever there's a cop beating up a guy, I'll be there. I'll be there in the way kids laugh when they're hungry an' they know supper's ready. And when the people are eating the stuff they raise and living in the houses they build, I'll be there too."

2008-03-10T22:33:00.000-07:00

New York Governor Fights Consumer Fraud

New York’s Governor and Former Attorney General, Eliot Spitzer, who earlier cracked down on Wall Street corruption, tobacco company excesses, and mob connections in the trucking industry, today struck another blow against consumer fraud in the United States.

Spitzer, working undercover as Client 9, secretly contacted Emperor’s Club V.I.P., a prostitution firm overcharging clients by thousands of dollars.

In arranging a rendezvous for himself, Spitzer was charged approximately $4,800, including a down-payment for future appointments. Later documents reveal, Spitzer had been working on this investigation for some time.

Spitzer’s top aide, Richard Baum, told reporters, “For too long, the Emperor’s Club V.I.P., like Sprint, Verizon, Time Warner Cable, and other corporations, has been insisting on lengthy commitments from its customers, instead of simply charging its clients on a pay-as-you-go basis. Our research into the “best practices” clause of the call girl industry, shows that the ‘Emperor’ is overcharging his clients up to 451%, based on current market standards.

“In addition, adult services sites and advisors have been receiving kickbacks for giving favorable ratings to Emperor’s and others. Once again, America’s consumers find Governor Spitzer following this shameless profiteering, wherever it leads, even if velvet bindings are involved.”

Historians note that similar consumer investigations have been conducted by several governors of Louisiana.

2008-03-07T23:21:00.000-08:00

Is ANYONE Surprised By the “Hillary Monster” Story?

For months now, in chat rooms, e-mails, in small towns and in big cities, Obama supporters have been raving about Hillary Clinton. While Barack himself has been “above the fray” and serenading us about our Declaration of Independence, and Abraham Lincoln, his backers rip into Hillary.

And now, Obama advisor Susan Power tells a reporter that Hillary is a “monster” who will stoop to anything.

I’m glad this is finally out there in the open. Because it shows the similarities between Republicans and the Obama campaign, in their approach to Hillary Clinton. In fact, if you Google, Hillary Monster, after you scroll past the news results, you’ll get a series of alternating sites, between Obama supporters and conservatives, demonizing the Senator from New York. All we need now is for Barbara Bush to weigh in again with the “B-word”.

Here’s the Obama rationale. Any challenge Senator Clinton puts forward about Senator Obama: his resume, any flaw in his logic, any difference of opinion, any questions about his background, these are all “negative” or “dirty” politics.

The best recent example is the “3 AM phone call” commercial, that the Clinton campaign ran in Texas, Ohio, and several other states. The ad suggests that when the phone rings at three in the morning with a message about a terrorist or other enemy to America, Hillary’s experience makes her the one you want answering the phone.

In addition, out on the campaign trail, Ms. Clinton committed the heinous sin of saying that both she and Republican John McCain have far more experience than Senator Obama.

I can’t tell you how many obscenities Senator Clinton has inspired in the Obama camp with these messages.

It’s interesting, because months ago, I posted Senator Obama’s response to my open letter to all Democrats, asking them to stop bickering amongst themselves. His reply was that it was important to point out differences between them.

There’s nothing “dirty” about saying “I’m the one you want answering that phone.” And there’s nothing dirty about saying, “John McCain and I each have more experience.” Because the issue is going to be discussed, and better now than later.

Unless you’d rather discuss it in December, when someone says, “Yeah I voted for McCain instead of Obama. I just felt that McCain has more experience.”

2008-03-07T00:43:00.000-08:00

Please tell me this isn’t happening.

Democrats in Florida and Michigan decided to move up their Presidential primaries to earlier dates in the calendar, like about 20 other states this year. The Democratic National Committee said, “if you do that, we won’t count your delegates.”

I know what you’re thinking. “But hold on—they’re ALL Democrats. SURELY, they can work out a compromise.”

They didn’t.

So the states held the primaries anyway, with the knowledge that the votes wouldn’t count.

Nobody campaigned. In Michigan, most of the candidates didn’t even appear on the ballot.

Hillary Clinton got the most votes in each primary. So, of course, people from her campaign tried to make the case that the party should count the votes and award the states their delegates, a total of 367 new delegates.

There’s no way it was going to happen, but they had to try.

There’s been talk of a revote, a “do-over,” but that’s not going to happen. Because a “do-over” would cost 37 million dollars, and the Democratic Party would have to spend it, instead of using the money in the general election against John McCain.

Okay, so don’t count those primary votes.

Fine. But there’s one problem. However you do the math, the Democrats will want to win Michigan and Florida in November. It certainly helps their chances if the rank and file members of the Democratic party, and the voters of those states, get to have their say in the nominating process.

To have a convention without delegates from Michigan and Florida, states with a total of 44 electoral votes, just about a sixth of the 270 you need to win, would be a terrible strategic move.

Someone better figure out something.

But for now, two quotes come to mind. The first one is an old joke. “President Nixon is a corrupt, vicious warmonger. If he were running against anyone but the Democrats, he’d have no chance at all.”
The second one goes back to comedy great Will Rogers. “I am not a member of any organized party — I am a Democrat.”

2008-03-06T00:09:00.001-08:00

House Passes Minimum Noise Safety Act

(Washington) The United States House of Representatives today passed the Omnibus Noise Safety Standards Act, setting a mandatory minimum amount of noise a passenger car or light truck must create on America’s highways, and eventually, on its streets, roads, lanes and courts.

By a vote of 305 to 73, legislators approved the Pickering-Boehner-DeGette Bill, which will be sent to the Senate by a courier riding an American-made Harley Davidson FLSTF Fat Boy, from Harley’s Soft Tail division.

Under the laws provisions, drivers are responsible to provide enough sound to alert other motorists and pedestrians of their whereabouts. Toyota Prius owners, for instance, would be required to open their windows, and yell out “Vroom Vrrrrrooom!!”

States would be mandated to pass similar laws, to be enforced by a newly created Noise Task Force.
President Bush encourage swift passage of the bill by the Senate, saying in part, “Some people think car noise isn’t important. But for those of us who know a little something about driving around, we know that cars’ noises are verrry important, for all Americans, and in other countries as well.”

2008-03-05T14:03:00.000-08:00

Rebuttal

Three of the arguments for Obama that I’ve heard a lot of recently:

1. Stop tearing the party apart. Hillary should quit, because Obama is a lock.

2. Hillary is inconsistent. One moment she’s “proud to be on the same stage as Obama,” the next she’s saying “shame on you.”

3. The “Clinton machine” is up to the same old “dirty tricks.”

Responses:

1. a. This argument is, “people are voting for us, so vote for us.” It’s got nothing to do with democracy. It’s a wise strategy for Obama to follow, arguing that your victory is inevitable. It’s got nothing to do with the freedoms we have in this country, that Senator Obama is so quick to claim as his own true love.

b. Also, from people who voted for Bush twice, or from people who haven’t previously supported the Democratic party, or from people who’ve already made clear that if their candidate doesn’t win, they’ll either not vote, or support McCain, this argument about “party unity” is simply a bald-faced lie. Party unity doesn’t mean, “I win, or I take my ball and go home.”

2. Good parents, or people raised by good parents, probably understand this point the best. It’s “we love you, but you still need a time out, and we’re going to have to talk about this.”

Saying you’re proud of Barack Obama, doesn’t provide some sort of “immunity” from challenges, about misquoting Hillary’s record, about concerns about religious doctrines at one’s house of worship, about “the first day in your adult life that I’ve been proud to be an American,” or about meetings with Canadian officials that may have been innocent or not.

It’s perfectly valid to say, “I too, think Barack Obama’s “story” is remarkable, and is a wonderful validation of America. And now, here are some issues I need to confront him with as a candidate.” In other words, “you’re special, and you deserve recognition, but you don’t get some sort of royal dispensation for everything you do or have done.”

My greater concern about this is the notion that’s been spreading, that disagreement, conflict, and battling, are signs of evil. Positive support, affirmation and consensus are powerful forces for the good in this country. That doesn’t mean that you can’t point out your candidate’s shortcomings, which the Obama campaign has also been swift and constant in doing.

3. Every time any bad news appears about the Senator Obama, his supporters are quick to assume that Hillary Clinton is somehow George W. Bush or Richard Nixon. In other words, rumors, negative gossip, the “low road,” is all about Hillary. There’s not much evidence to support that. There is however, a long record of Republican faithful trying to manipulate Democratic politics.

For instance, Nixon’s campaign feared running against popular Maine senator, Edmund Muskie. So they sabotaged his campaign, and ended up running against the target they felt more comfortable with, Senator George McGovern.

George W. Bush didn’t want to run against Howard Dean. His supporters were passionate, and his level of support continued to rise. Somehow, his frenzied speech to supporters became some sort of mad scientist rant, after a couple of days of maneuvering and manipulation.

When Jimmy Carter ran against Ronald Reagan, Reagan supporters had already negotiated the release of the hostages from Iran, as soon as Carter was defeated. Since that issue was the top issue of the day, Reagan defeated Carter.

We’ve heard repeatedly that Obama’s a far tougher challenge for John McCain than Clinton is. Which also argues, persuasively, that some of the baloney being tossed Obama's way is coming from another, Rove-ish, Viguerie-ish, Cheney-ish place.

I’m only saying this to unite the party.

2008-03-04T18:22:00.000-08:00

I Don’t Know Me Anymore

A confession:

Tonight, I was shopping at Trader Joe’s.

Looking in the deli section, I had this thought, “Oh gee. They don’t have any of the honey roasted sliced turkey left. And last time, I bought it by mistake, and I loved it. Sure they have the reduced sodium sliced turkey that I normally buy, and they have the maple smoked sliced turkey, and the regular roasted sliced turkey and the peppered roast turkey, but aw damn, they don’t have the honey roasted sliced turkey.”

About a second later, I said this out loud, “Who AM I?”

Sadly, this is who I’ve become.

2008-02-29T22:56:00.000-08:00

Who are we, the Hillary Democrats?

We are an alliance, of people of all ages and backgrounds, who have fought, are fighting and will fight, against racism, sexism, and any “ism” that limits opportunities for any American.

To be honest, we’re a little confused, that after our digging in and battling against those evils, someone lectures us by saying, “My God, you’re divisive. My goodness gracious, you must be from the ‘old politics’” -- of standing up for what is right, instead of making sure we’re in a group hug with these right wing demagogues. These are the same people who wanted to get rid of social security, and lied about it, claiming that Franklin Delano Roosevelt wanted to do the exact same thing. And now, they’re going to surrender and join together.

We Clinton supporters believe in working with our adversaries to create positive change, wherever that’s possible. But we also believe in confronting those adversaries, when they want to slash important programs even as they run up huge deficits, sending us back to before Franklin Roosevelt to the 1920s, a time of starving children, nonexistent health care, 16 hour workdays, and abandoned senior citizens in poor houses.

We understand that changes may take a while. The first time national health care was proposed, the idea was dismissed as crazy radical politics, just like social security, eight hour workdays, child labor laws, even the idea of spending federal money on some nonsensical idea called the Internet.

All of these dreams have come true. And every time we work for complete health coverage in this country, more and more people from every background realize that we must do it. Now, thanks to efforts like Senator Clinton’s, people are gradually coming around. Businesses are begging for some system that provides insurance, but doesn’t bleed their companies dry.

Our families, all across this country, cry out for health coverage, because they want do whatever they can to take care of Grandma and Grandpa, but not at the expense of cancelling their children’s future.

And by the way, we’re proud of any wear and tear you might see on our faces. We earned those marks, fighting for a better America.

We won’t be lectured about “bringing people together,” because we’ve tried that route already. When a new President, in the wake of the most vicious attacks on America, told us our country was about to be attacked again, we could have been divisive. Say, make a speech in a state legislature somewhere.

But Senator Clinton actually chose the route that Senator Obama is advocating now. In the spirit of unity, she decided, maybe we should all join together, instead of making political points. Maybe we should reach out across the aisle in the spirit of unity. Any President, in time of crisis, should be able to depend on our support.

The fact is, we didn’t know that the Administration we were trusting had invented the crisis, that this President planned to attack Iraq before he ever took office, and that the top secret briefings we got, had been prepared by Dr. Seuss.

You can’t have it both ways. Tell us to unite, and then attack us for doing so.

A large majority of Americans supported this President when the Iraq wore began, because they too believed in reaching out in unity, and they believed that our President wouldn't go to war without good reason. Hundreds of thousands of men and women are in harm’s way right now because after a divisive election, and the murderous crimes of 9/11, we took our President seriously.

That’s unity. That’s coming together. And we’re all paying the price.

Senator Obama says the difference is, he’ll be “right from day one.” He’ll have “good ideas” instead of the previous “bad ideas.” That’s just not true. Because I checked the Constitution. It still says, to qualify to run for president, you have to be a “human being.”

That means, every president will make mistakes. But with the wisdom of experience, domestically and internationally, Senator Hillary Clinton will steer this great country to peace, prosperity, and greater opportunity for all Americans. How do we know she can do this? Because someone named Clinton accomplished the very same things in the 1990’s, and Hillary helped make it happen.

That’s who we are. We're the people who believe in results. We believe in Democratic principles. And we know that Senator Hillary Clinton will deliver those results for every American.

2008-02-28T22:30:00.000-08:00

Barack is the BOmb!!!

Hi there, Obama fans!

So nice to see so many of you here!

Just a few messages before you go back to your chat rooms.

Just for the teens and twenty somethings, hey, we’re all really flattered that you’ve decided to pay attention to what’s going on outside your laptop. What a relief that politics are cool! Please enjoy the whole ride. If for some reason, you don’t lock up the nomination, thanks for visiting the Democratic Party!

If, as expected Barack (Oooh! He’s so dreeeeamy!) captures the nomination, don’t forget to take a moment to stop calling Hillary every #@$!%-ed up name you can think of. First off, you really have no idea who she is! Just that she’s not Barack!! And second, guess whose help you’re gonna need to win the general campaign? No, not Lily Allen…nope, Hillary supporters! How f-ed up is that! OMG!!

Also, kids, if you do win the general election (fingers crossed!), thanks for visiting the political arena. Drive home safely. Now that you’ve elected a cool President, you can go back to ignoring matters that might involve conflict, and avoiding or ignoring people who disagree with you. ‘Cause they’re sooo negative!

If you’re a Governor of a State, or a Senator or Representative, who decided to go with Obama because your daughter or son told you to, that is just so sweet I don’t know where to begin. Thanks!

Listen, while we have a moment, could you give us your child’s opinion on health care, our relationship with China, our fiscal policy, how to deal with the two Koreas, how to extricate ourselves from Iraq and do the least possible damage, and a short list of Supreme Court nominees? Thanks! And good luck on that Trig quiz! Those are tough.

And finally, if you’re one of those supercool folks who’s joined the Obama campaign, because all of us are going to come together and solve all our problems, could you tell me, when we unite together, including people who didn’t vote for Obama (right…losers!), what are we going to do together?

Since it’s not about race, and it’s not about age, and it’s not about red states and blue states, and it's not about Barack, who is it about? And when he says, “Our time has come,” whose time is it?

That’d be awesome to know. Also, just for my own information—I hate missing the big news stories—when did the Republican Party announce their surrender?

Anyway, no worries. I’m sure everything’ll be just fine from now on.

2008-02-28T22:25:00.000-08:00

America's Fantastic Health Care System!!

I don’t see why people complain about our health care system. In fact, I visited my doctor when I had a cold last month. Excellent doctor. Looked down my throat, wrote me a prescription. 3 minutes! And the insurance company contacted me within a few weeks. Here's their note:

Loveycare Patronize Plan

Statement:

Proglotid transfarcial hemolic procedure 4,894,316.76

Ancillary services 31,558.16

Total 4,925,874.92

Provider discount 4,107,084.07

Loveycare payment 818,741.00

Amount due provider 49.95

YAAAAAY!!!!

2008-02-23T22:42:00.000-08:00

My Personal Obama Drama

I’ve noticed that, this year more than ever, when we discuss politics, nobody is listening. Or, at least, we’re not hearing each other. I’ve argued, debated and discussed; I’ve overheard conversations in offices, the locker room and in restaurants.

In all that time, I’ve never heard anyone say, “Really? I didn’t know that?” or “Where can I find out more about that?” or, “Gee, well, I was planning to vote this way, but now I might vote that way.”

We seem to make up our minds, and we’re done thinking. We may want to convince others, but there’s very little persuasion going on.

When John Edwards left the race, I found myself supporting Hillary Clinton. The more I’ve mentioned that to people, the more they’ve tried to help me see the error of my ways, so that I might support Barack Obama.

But that’s not going to happen.

And now I know why. Not because of the policy positions or talents of these candidates. It’s for personal reasons.

So far in my life, I haven’t been married. I don’t have any children. Which means, I don’t have any daughters.

So, even though I have the reflex to, at this age in my life, say to my teen-age daughter, “Hold on here! Who is this ‘Ralph’ person you’re going out with? What do we know about his guy?”, I’ve never had the opportunity to actually give that speech.

Barack Obama’s candidacy gives me that opportunity. I let my glasses slide down the bridge of my nose, look over my newspaper and say, “Barack Obama? Already you’re going to the prom with this guy? How do you know him? What does he want from you? Do we know the chaperones? And what time will you be home?”

However, I can read tea leaves about as well as anyone. I figure Senator Obama’s going to win. And somehow, I’ll resume my normal life during his administration, rather than sitting and waiting in my rocking chair on the front porch, waiting to give someone a good talking-to.

2008-02-23T22:38:00.000-08:00

What I learned about the Oscars from the writers strike.

Five short blocks from my home, the biggest stars in the world are staying at the Four Seasons Hotel, getting ready for Oscar night. You can tell because Doheny Drive, a nice little street that runs north-south through Beverly Hills and West Hollywood, comes to a stop-dead crawl, passing through that one block between Third Street and Burton way.

If it’s not foreign filmmakers creeping gingerly from the safety of the driveway, trying to remember to drive on the right, it’s two block long SUV limos, swinging their backsides all the way past the other direction of traffic to the left curb, hoping to angle their whales to squeeze past the parked cars on the right corner of the street, and have the tugboat cars guide them to the open sea.

So, I’ve got the Academy Awards on the brain.

In Friday’s Los Angeles Times, we learned that Gilbert Cates, the Oscar telecast’s producer, had planned a different kind of show, in case the WGA strike continued:

“At one point, it looked as if the writers strike -- and the high-profile actors who would refuse to cross picket lines -- would force Cates and his team to go with his "Plan B" for the ceremony. Instead of swanning starlets and a tuxedoed George Clooney, viewers would have seen three-plus hours of film montages of old opening monologues and award-winning foreign films, among other subjects. Now only a fraction of that work will make this year's broadcast. The rest goes into the film academy's vaults for future shows.”

That’s right. You’d be watching film montages from old telecasts of the Academy Awards.

Fortunately, the Writers Guild signed a deal, and Jon Stewart and all the movie stars will be on hand for the most important day of the year for people who like to watch other people walk on carpeting.

But, the “Plan B” idea got me thinking.

First of all, if this wonderful archive exists, why not put together the great Oscar moments into a show? Not another documentary explaining a million details about how they made produced those shows, but pieces of all the monologues that Johnny Carson, Bob Hope and other great hosts have done, interspersed with the great acceptance speeches.

How many millions of us would watch that? If anyone doesn’t want to see it, I’ll watch twice to make up for your absence.

The other thing that occurred to me was, if you really wanted a “Plan B” for this year, why not get permission from the Producers, and show, say, twenty minute clips from each of the Best Picture nominees, ten minutes from each Best Actor and Best Actress nominees, and five from each nominated Supporting Actor and Actress?

Which is when I realized—that’s the last thing “the Industry” wants. On most Oscar telecasts, which run about 41 hours, you see a total of about 15-20 minutes of actual movie footage, including those farewells to stars who’ve died over the last year.

Here’s the establishment of Hollywood-- the studios, the producers, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, joining together to honor the work they’ve chosen as the best of the year, and the last thing they want is for anyone to see it.

In fact, to keep the huge audiences they want, they’ll show us costumes and jewelry, shoes and limos, action stars and willowy starlets, anything to avoid telling us that these artistic achievements are sometimes painful to watch, and require our complete attention.

After all, the people gathered together Sunday night are the same people who produce film after film about men with a couple days beard growth, racing against somebody evil (is it Russians, Arabs, drug dealers or computer whizzes this year?) and blowing up stuff while grabbing freakishly proportioned women, who happened to forget to finish getting dressed today. Those are the movies they trust us to show up for. Not the nominees.

I suppose that’s what frustrates me most about the fact that there’ll be at least 24 hours of air time, between E! and Monday’s talk shows, and the ABC pre-game show all devoted to the red carpet, plenty of applauding and smiling, but precious little time involving the content and meaning of movies.

Let me just conclude by mentioning, for the umpteenth time… folks, don’t try to shorten the show by shortening the speeches. Shorten the show by eliminating the walking. Come back from commercial with Tom Hanks or Jessica Alba, or whoever’s presenting the next award, at the podium. We know who they are. You don’t have to announce that they’re in movies and then show us that they can walk. If that’s the issue, just set up a website featuring overdressed movie stars on treadmills. Folks will see the fashions, we’ll see that the stars can walk, but in the meantime, the Oscars will have saved hours of time.

We’d rather have the winners go ahead and give their speeches, the one chance in their lives to talk to the whole planet, telling us about the rarest of all things—how they came to be a part of a movie that will outlive all of us.

2008-02-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

It's Hillary

When John Edwards dropped out of the 2008 Presidential race, I was left with a choice to make, and misgivings about either choice.

Like friends who’ve just found religion, my Obama friends have chatted me up, e-mailed me, phoned me and tried to help me see the light.

If I say his resumé’s thin, I’m being a racist. If I suggest he voted “present” a lot of times, and in an attempt to insulate himself from attacks, he hasn’t taken a specific position on much at all, I’m a bitter throwback to the negative politics of the past.

If I point out that he opposed the Iraq war from the relative comfort of the Illinois State Legislature, I’m a cynic.

If I suggest that he looks perfect because he hasn’t brokered deals to pass national legislation, or taken stands that could jeopardize his Senate seat, I’m ignoring how electable he is.

And in general, if I’m thinking of voting for Hillary, I’m ignoring her flaws, and apparently, even more importantly, her husband’s flaws, the flaws of the past eight years. In short, I’m forgetting about all the baggage Hillary brings to the table.

If I want Hillary, I'm simply not listening to what they're telling me.

These friends of mine are not faddists; these are people, some of whom read, research, think, participate in, and care about, the politics of this country. And the others believe they have happened upon something hopeful and exciting for our country. So I consider their input valuable.

And I’m voting for Hillary Clinton.

No President gets to deliver on every promise, but I believe that from her battles scars and trials Hillary has emerged with a valuable pragmatism. When she takes office, she’ll know which goals to tackle first, and how to twist arms and strike bargains to move programs forward.

On policy, I believe her health care approach is distilled from experience, including the formidable task of confronting a “no way, no day” attitude from Republican legislators. Her work on behalf of children goes back to before Bill’s entry into politics.

And on Iraq, I understand the complexities of making a decision while America is commemorating the first anniversary of 9/11, while examining classified intelligence documents that later turn out to be some neocon’s fantasy, and while a President is pushing for a vote before a mid-term election, instead of letting this important decision be made outside of politics.

There you are—and certainly, if you want to, you can announce that you believe the President, Vice President, Departments of State, Defense, FBI, CIA and National Security Agency are all wrong and you are right. Years later, you’d be vindicated, but for now, you’d be undermining yourself and your party. Or you can push to amend the bill, and get reassurances that this bill will help push talks for greater inspections. But in the final analysis you can take a look around, realize that you are in the minority, the bill’s going to pass with or without you, bite the bullet and decide to support your country in spite of your reservations.

I didn’t believe in the Iraq war from day one. But I was watching on television, far away from the action, like Senator Obama. It’s a little different making the call, as Senator Clinton did, when so many departments and agencies are showing you “clear evidence”, because objections have been hidden from you, and the train’s leaving the station with or without you.

By the way, Senator Obama’s rhetoric may cost him if he’s the nominee.

After repeatedly telling us that “Senator Clinton was for the war before she was against it,” he’ll be trying to secure the votes of millions of his countrymen who were also for the war before they were against it. That includes tens of millions who now regret the war but oppose abandoning the mission.

Actually, when it comes to experience, in my judgment, Ms. Clinton is barely experienced enough. Mr. Obama might very well represent the future of leadership in this country. He’s already inspiring and mobilizing millions of people. But as of today, I’m not ready to let him run the show.

I appreciate that you’ve seen the light, and I respect that.

For my friends who are new to politics, welcome. Just so you understand, I AM listening to you. I'm just disagreeing.

2008-01-23T20:59:00.000-08:00

IT'S OFFICIAL

Y'know, it's nice to have a law proclaiming a holiday. Nice to have banks and post offices closed and having a proclamation. Nice for people to hold commemorative services and parades. But in America, you're not really a holiday until you have a sale.

2008-01-13T10:37:00.001-08:00

Here's page 2 of Obama's letter to TWAMSIAM.

2008-01-13T10:29:00.000-08:00

Obama Responds to Us

Below, you can read our letter to all the Democrats campaigning for the nomination. Barack Obama is the only candidate who has responded. The simple fact that he's responded tells me that:

a) he has an excellent organization, capable of responding to smaller groups in the midst of the campaign frenzy;

b) he's serious about having civilized discourse with those who disagree with him.

2008-01-10T15:19:00.000-08:00

OVERDOSE

Watching the candidates in New Hampshire, I forgot I was recording as I flipped from channel to channel. Here’s a transcript:

Kucinich: One by one, americans are realizing, “My goodness, the elf is right!” And that trend is going to grow and build, as we become less shallow in our interests, and stop worrying about appearances. People will ignore my plastered hair, and hear my concrete ways to solve our problems. Ralph Nader was another nerd who knew what he was talking about and got treated like a smallpox blanket. But this year, things are going to be different.

--click--

Giuliani: You here in Florida are people, just like New Yorkers are people. Or so your lovely police chief, Arlene Gottshalk, I mean Captain Gottshalk, no, of course I mean Chief Gottshalk, was telling me before, earlier, at one of your lovely Florida coastal cafes, where surprisingly you feature a less Caribbean and more Indonesian kind of coffee bean. But I didn’t have any alcohol in mine. Because, of course, I have to be sharp. You never know when the terrorists will strike.

--click--

McCain: My friends, for over five years, I was bound and tortured in a Vietnamese prison. So, until this campaign began, I thought I knew something about misery…

--click--

Clinton: Y’know, I tilt head down shake it back and forth with rueful smile am so proud of the progress we’ve achieved since we entered public life back in Arkansas, and then in the White House, that I’m ready raise head look into the middle distance to go to work for America.

--click--

Obama: Some people… don’t realize… how loonnnng it’s taken… and how far we’ve come… How long it’s taken for us to get here, and how far we had to come to get here… How long it’s taken to get away… from the old battles that those shaggy combative boomers fought, and how far we had to come to forget the benefits they fought for…

--click--

Edwards: I am fighting for the working people of this country and I am fighting all the way to the end. It may take a while for people to join us. Because the moneyed, entrenched corporate interests of this country have our media in a deadly chokehold, and because I am so handsome and rich that you can’t believe I’m doing this. But I am. Deal with it: I’m cute, but I’m also fighting.

--click--

Huckabee: I can remember the gentle kindness of small town folks as we warmly encouraged the pleasant heathens to embrace our Savior. Then there was a soothing sing-a-long… nothing zealously threatening, but just encouraging to the faithful, in an Easy Listening Crusade kind of way.

--click--

Giuliani: I know--how about not doing as the Democrats suggest and surrendering to Al Qaeda and shooting our friends? Why not kick the dog, for people with dogs or a cat? No. I say, how about just winning in Iraq? How about that? How about we just go in there and stay there and clean it up, rinse it off, and reopen the place, like I did in New York? How about nine-elevening the nine-eleven? Some people say, nine-ten nine-ten, but I have the courage and the level of success to say nine eleven.

--click--

Kucinich: You’d expect their suits to be close-fitting and shiny. I guess from science fiction movies or Star Trek. But they just had loose clothing. They did a mind probe, but nothing violent, although they made a big deal about stealing about 20 boxes of herb tea.

--click--

Thompson: So Bruce Willis is saying, don’t make me say yippee kay yay again, and I’m saying, if this green beret dude is screwing up the radar system, why the h**l do we need the snow? But seriously, I’ll be a great leader of the whatever in this country. President.

--click--

Romney: When I ran Massachusetts, I made it a well groomed, efficient sales machine that learned the value of traditional values, while lowering taxes, improving peoples’ lives, inspiring innovation and cherishing, throughout the Commonwealth, our minty fresh breath.

--click--

Obama: But change… never did come easy… and weee… don’t expect it to be easy… The other day, I met with some old, gray, pugnacious, adversarial liberals… and they told me, we can’t make it to the promised land…no, we can’t make it to the promised land…they said, Mr. Obama, you need to talk about what you’re going to do when you’re President. Go talk about what you’re going to do! And I thought about all the people…we’ve brought into this campaign… all you good people who support us… And so, for your sake, I didn’t lose my head. No, I didn’t lose…my patience. No I didn’t. I said, I’ve seen what happens to candidates from the old politics of the past before the new politics of change… I’ve seen what happens to them when they talk about what they’re going to do… we’re not going to be going down that road. We’re headed for a new road, a high road… we’ve found a new path to the promised land.

--click--

Giuliani: ...and, as I understand it, and I don’t want to spend too much time on this, because it’s not something I have time to think about, but as I understand it, the point isn’t whether the cowboys are actually gay…

--click--

Clinton: …says to me Hillary, people think you’re on automatic pilot, that you never worry about yourself pause stare down in front and I realized in that moment head back up clench fists that we need to make the change we’ve been working on for some time. We’ve been working for change. We didn’t just figure it out on the way to some fancy Illinois tailor’s shop but make it clear you’re not referring to any one person and smile…

--click--

Edwards: ...at a six percent rate. And then, we can end corporate welfare as we know it, save 70 billion dollars and actually leave no child behind, instead of adopting an empty slogan and sir, in the sixth row, enough of the sour puss. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

--click--

Thompson: So I said, if you light me that way, I’m gonna look like a parade balloon, and Clint said, don’t worry. He had seen me in Curly Sue, and apparently was a big fan. But he’s a liberal and I’m not. But Clint, and Arnold, and Troy McClure would all tell you from first-hand knowledge, that I have the goodhearted persistence, and the warm relentlessness of another actor I’ve always admired, who seemed to do all right in the White House, and I’m sure you agree, although I have to admit that I still envy that head o’ hair he had.

--click--

Richardson: … the 5 percent who have truly understood that you can be a sweaty guy and still be the most knowledgeable, the best qualified, both in foreign affairs and as a governor, that not every sweaty politician is Richard Nixon or Huey Long; that I’m the nice sweaty guy, that I sweat because I don’t like the way this country is going.

--click--

McCain: My friends, it’s time for America to realize, in 2000, I got kicked in the guts by the Karl Rove hate machine, just because I stood in his way. And I made a decision that day to say whatever I had to say, and drink whatever Kool Aid I had to drink, in the hopes that we can one day serve a purpose larger than ourselves.

--click--

Huckabee: Of course, in losing all that weight, I was humbled by how far I’d fallen, what I’d done to myself, and frankly, by how much I resembled Humpty Dumpty. So I called Kirstie Alley, and I said, honey, whatever it takes. And she took the name of the Lord in vain, and used some hyphenated words that I hadn’t heard since my uncle Fred injured himself trying to build a porch with a nail gun. But I stayed with it.

--click--

Romney: ...then, I left Boston, and the fog left my eyes, and I realized, I really am a right-winged son of a gun. So, I created the Olympics. The tallest, proudest, most monogamous Olympics in the history of this great planet.

--click--

Kucinich: ...The point is, people in this country are suffering. I have a well-reasoned, logical plan to help our people and improve our standing in the world, and… what? What's the-- this is about the aliens. Let's see if we can get past...

--click--

Richardson: I’m not angry at the citizens of New Hampshire or Iowa. I treasure our freedoms, especially the secret ballot. It just frustrates me that I’m the only one actually qualified to do this, and now I have to go back home, which is bad enough, but then I’m going to spend twelve hours hearing Wolf Blitzer yak about what I did wrong. Or listen to Mathews and Olbermann talk to Pat Buchanan. Pat Buchanan? Are you freakin’ kidding me?

--click--

Obama: We welcome all people to our new politics of new change. And especially, look at all these young people. They aren’t the people of the past. They are new people, whose lives are changing at the speed of hope. We welcome them all. I said, we welcome them all! Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks…

--click--

Edwards: …finish second in Iowa, a real surprise showing, so we’re delighted and we talk about what this means to the working uninsured and how our voice can help every family that’s suffering in this vicious economic cycle…. and everyone’s still talking about Hillary and Obama, and the one reporter has a question for me, she’s from teen beat, and she wants to know why I’m so McDreamy.

--click--

McCain: My friends, I’ve worked with people on both sides of every aisle, in the Senate, at the movies, even at football games. Let’s continue what President Bush has started, and at the same time, get rid of it and at the same time maintain things as they are, except do better in many general ways. I ask you to reach out, as I reach out to our great land, to elect me so that I can stop talking, because if you think you’re bored, you should take a five minute walk inside my head. I’m used to doing things, taking action. I don’t even like wearing this suit.

--click--

Clinton: Sometimes, I just think this battle is too hard stare directly down at podium and wait for yells of no no, but then I realize… you are with me wherever I go. You know, it’s easy to say “change,” and it’s easy to say “new.” It’s even easy to say “improved,” or “luxury sedan”.. the question is…

--click--

Giuliani: ...where they serve a kind of, I don’t think it’s a guava, maybe a persimmon. Sometimes people are reluctant about all the seeds in a mango, but my grandmother used to say, Rudy, a mango is like a marriage. Okay maybe that’s not the best reference, with my history, heh heh heh, although some people think the nine eleven terrorists should decide our references, and I’d like to kick their anti-American a****s, in a uniquely heroic nine-eleven way.

--click--

Clinton: You don’t know what it’s like searching to the ceiling as though for an answer there you are with the whole world knowing that your husband, the leader of the free world, a man who has never even mentioned cigars in our entire…

--click--

Obama: But in a small humble way, I am Doctor King, and Mahatma Gandhi. I am Walt Whitman and Bishop Tutu. I’m every woman. I’m every river, brook and stream. I’m the way you feel when dinner’s going to be the best it’s ever tasted. I’m the way Teddy Roosevelt felt when he charged up that hill. I’m the tang of the first crisp apple of the fall, or the way that new hat looks when you finally break it in. I’m the hope of the hopeless.

--click--

Clinton: I’m tired of being lectured about set your chin about sacrificing for your country. I believe you can mark my account paid leaning forward to emphasize in that category.

--click--

Obama: Work with me, stay with me, live with me, sleep over my garage, and together we will bring about not only a new kind of politics, but a fundamental change in the way we do politics, a new way, that’s inclusive, unintrusive, respectful and engaging, gentle to the environment, but bold to those who say this is not our time. I shall not tire, I shall not tarry, I shall not bow down to our critics and say what I’ll do in office. This is our time. This is a time for leaders. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the me.

2008-01-09T20:46:00.000-08:00

An Open Letter Snail-Mailed to All Democratic Party Candidates

From: Democrats for Regime Change

TO: The Honorable Senator ___

December 23, 2007
Dear Senator,

Ronald Reagan, God bless him, did have one good idea. (Actually someone else originally proposed it, but he championed it.) That idea was his “Eleventh Commandment”: "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican."

To win the Presidency in 2008, Democrats must adopt that approach; “thou shalt attack no other Democrat.”

We Americans aren’t looking for someone to assert the argument that they will be a good President; we’re looking for someone who is already demonstrating the way they’ll conduct business as President. We need to see the leadership qualities NOW. As a voter, I don’t need to see you fighting for you. I need to see you fighting for me.

I propose that we Democrats embrace the following message:

“We talk about learning from experience. And this experience, of running for President, teaches you a great deal about character, passion, intelligence, and the real life challenges of the people who ARE this great nation.

“You also learn about what drives the content of our process. For example, tonight, yes, this is a forum for our candidates; but it’s also a TV show. And what makes a TV show successful? Conflict. It’s in the interest of broadcast and cable companies for us to fight with each other. It improves their ratings, and gives the talk shows more to talk about. When we fight with each other, they call it ‘great television.’

“However, OUR interest, as Democrats, and as leaders, is to help the people of this country move America forward.

“So I am not going to attack the valiant Hillary Clinton, whose advocacy for the children of this country, and service to our nation make her an important force in our party.

“I’m not going to attack the insightful Barack Obama, whose community activism, energy, and innovative spirit are vital to the renewal of our party.

“How can I attack the compassionate John Edwards, who refuses to stand by while the Bush administration short-changes working people, and starts wars without provocation.

“Christopher Dodd and Joe Biden? Their records of service to this country, and steadfast advocacy for a better America, in the United States Senate, are qualities I support, not attack. They’re the backbone of the Democratic Party.

“In any other circumstance, at any other time, Bill Richardson would be an ally of mine. Here’s a man, passionate about ending the war, who has already faced down world leaders, served in the UN, as Energy Secretary, and as a progressive Governor of New Mexico.

“Mayor and Congressman Dennis Kucinich’s greatest dream is to empower those Americans without a voice in our society. And to bring peace. No one with a conscience can attack that.

“We are Democrats. And we need each other to overcome whatever strategy the Republicans are going to use to try to convince our weary public that what we really need is four more years of incompetence, secrecy and deceit.

“I believe I’m the best choice to lead. So ask me questions. I’ll answer honestly and directly. But not by bickering with people whose work I admire.

“It is time to overhaul this tradition of beating up each other for months at a time, then coming to a convention trying to bind up the wounds we have inflicted on each other.

“My fellow Americans, and my fellow Democrats, we’re not here to see how many punches we can land.

“We’re here to restore hope in America. We’re here to restore America’s moral leadership in the world. We’re here to restore the American dream.”

Thanks for your time,

Democrats for Regime Change

2008-01-09T20:42:00.000-08:00

What I’ve Learned from Law & Order:

In New York City, eccentric senior citizens watch the street.

When a suspect discovers that the jig is up, the appropriate accompaniment is a single note sustained over several measures, followed by a second sustained note, a minor third below.

Proper Courtroom witness examination--

Incorrect: “Mr. Fishbein, you’re just a pus-filled bottom feeder who snacks on the entrails of women he’s raped and murdered.”

Correct: "You’re just a pus-filled bottom feeder who snacks on the entrails of women he’s raped and murdered. Isn’t that right, Mr. Fishbein?"

When you first interview the family of a victim, none of them can imagine why anyone would do such a thing to their spouse/child/uncle/Shetland pony.

The carpet fibers in your floor match the carpet fibers in over four million cars in the tri-state area.

If you’re planning a crime, never smoke cigars, drink alcohol, wear a fragrance, or use a wallpaper, that is only carried in one store.

The mob is vicious, but mobsters do not use foul language.

If you give a cop a muffin, he will talk about his digestive system.

Building supers have had enough already.

Psychologists think everyone’s innocent.

Some law enforcement officials enjoy the occasional aperitif.

Never screw with a rich Jewish grandmother.

If you are the cousin of a neighbor of the chiropractor of the parents of a suspect, and you don’t cooperate with the police, you can be charged with manslaughter, and spend ten years in jail, even if it means your eight year old asthmatic daughter will grow up without a mother.

Wise up. If you’re willing to tell an unsavory character where another person will be at a certain time, don’t be makin’ with the excuses later on.

If you ever get in trouble, you may safely assume that you are the most memorable character your waiter has ever met.

If a single, lone lunatic police officer lures, guns down, stabs, fellates and sets aflame an entire neighborhood of innocent New Yorkers, every other NYPD officer will need to be restrained from punching out the two detectives assigned to investigate the guy.

Try to avoid humorous meals, in case you are ever autopsied.

There’s no guarantee that you’ll get that job in the D.A.’s office, but a modeling career will help your resumé.

If a judge is acting like a horse’s hind side, find out who paid for his/her summer house.

Nobody every buys pesticide just to kill bugs anymore.

People who casually drop French words into conversation are guilty. Bien sur, but how guilty?

Easiest way to get killed? Hop onto the Internet.

Everyone knows you’re wearing a wire.

Painters, orchestra conductors, research professors, novelists, and professional athletes do these jobs as a way of channeling their constant desire to murder everyone they see.

Surgeons would think they were God, if they could live with the demotion.

Liberals are suckers. Rights activists are blowhards, and feminists live for revenge.

New Yorkers are remarkably versatile. It’s not unusual for the same person to be a Broadway usher witness one week, pop up two weeks later as an insurance executive with a file the detectives need, only to re-emerge as Bayside’s #1 pawnbroker who’d better turn over evidence or the whole store will be closed for a month, in the season finale.

2008-01-01T01:44:00.000-08:00

Now All We Need is Breakthrough Dial Technology

A bunch of my friends, people like Howard, Lindsay, JT, Nick, Paul Harris, and others, are, like millions of Americans, so far ahead of me technologically, that my only hope is this kind of Luddite marketing, that ends up with cans and a piece of string between 'em. I swear I didn't make this thing up. Or the new Kenmore washer dryer, which has the beat your clothes on a rock option. Okay, that one I did make up. But you knew that.

2007-12-18T01:44:00.000-08:00

There's an old saying, "East is east and west is west, but Steve looks incredibly typecast as a news idiot!

Another Ad for Bear Mountain Resorts.

2007-12-18T01:42:00.000-08:00

April Winchell and Mick Kuisel are geniuses, and I'm lucky to get to work with them.

Click here to see the new television spots that April and I "star" in, for Bear Mountain Ski Resorts.

I'm the one at the desk.

2007-12-18T01:31:00.000-08:00

I Never Thought I'd See It, Let Alone Say It.

"Let's all get in the holiday spirit, by digging in to the delicious Chanukah Yule Log."

One of LA's best bakeries, Viktor Benes, had this baby in the display case when I came in, and I knew I had to bring it in for my friends to enjoy, ecumenically.

It makes no sense, of course, except to suggest that whatever our differences, they can be overcome by chocolate cake wrapped around chocolate filling and covered with chocolate icing.

Eat up, or no Easter matzah for you!!!

2007-12-17T17:55:00.000-08:00

Just The Future of the Earth. No Biggie.

I don't have to say a thing about the environment.

Annie Leonard says it all, simply, kindly, and perfectly.

2007-12-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

Cynicism Requires Less Work

I don’t know if I’m onto something here, or it’s just the mood I’m in, but it seems to me that we Americans are spending a lot of time whining about the help.

I’m talking about the people who work for us, the Federal Government.

Ever since the late 60s, this same cycle has kept revolving. The Republicans get in office. They cut back on domestic programs, cut back on safety regulations for our food, our medication and our environment, and give the rich a tax cut.

Somewhere in the middle of the regime, we discover once again, that no, these folks aren’t the fiscally responsible stewards they claim to be, that in fact, they’ve been writing government checks to their buddies in business, without any tangible return on their investments.

Don’t misunderstand. There have been many corrupt Democrats as well. But when they’re caught, Democrats don’t say, “Everybody does it,” or “Politicians are all bad,” or “You’re mistaken. I just have a wide stance.”

When they’re caught, Democrats invariably say, “Yes. But look what we’ve accomplished for the people of this country.” Even a Democratic con man has voted to ease the burden on the middle class, tried to help the poor, and taken a legitimate shot at slowing the rate at which we foul our environment.

But we get tired of all the effort Democratic administrations demand of us, and get tired from thinking that we each have to work harder, and we end up voting for the Republicans again, who say, “Aren’t you tired? Well, here’s good news! Relax! It’s the government’s fault! We’re going to cut taxes and you’re all going to be rich! Rich, I tell you!!!”

And a few of their friends do get a whole lot richer.

When Republican politicians are caught, Republican theorists say, “You see? You can’t trust the government.”

And we, the people, just eat that up like ice cream. Yep, that’s it. You can’t trust the government. It’s the darn help. You can’t get any good help anymore.

The government, that’s the problem with this country. Good. That’s settled. Now, where’s the remote?

What a load of nonsense.

The way we complain, you’d think that each one of us, in our daily lives, is pure as the driven snow. That insurance sellers, lawyers, teachers, CEOs, taxi drivers, and athletes never lie procrastinate, mislead, or make errors of judgment. Sure-- only politicians do.

More to the point, we’ve been ruled, since 2001, by an administration that is uninterested in the realities of our daily lives. They’ve never faced bad news straight on. Sure, many previous administrations have tried to blame others, or tried to explain the circumstances that made them screw up, or even said that the bad news is being misinterpreted by the media.

But these clowns don’t even acknowledge the information that they’ve created a huge debt, that they’ve sold a lot of that debt overseas, that the working class is living a nightmare because of outsourcing

The Army isn’t liberal, trust me. Neither are the Marines. The CIA isn’t out on the streets begging us to vote for Dennis Kucinich. Chuck Hagel isn’t going to be joining union workers on the picket line anytime soon.

Neither are the hundreds and hundreds of other responsible and dependable officials who have risked their careers, just to let us know that this administration won’t even accept the fact that there’s a problem, even when those problems are weighing down on the working families that just want to earn an income, raise a family, and maybe do a little better than the previous generation.

The question remains, are we going to simply respond by saying “Well, what are you gonna do, politicians are ruining everything, pass the chips”? Or, are we, in the final analysis, going to shed our calloused façades, and do what Americans have always done, down through the centuries: suck it up, and again try to work together to improve this country that we love, government and all.

2007-11-30T23:37:00.000-08:00

NFL to Restrict Key Playoff Game

(New York)-- NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that this January’s NFC Championship game will only be available to residents of Saribo Creek, Montana.

The league has had tremendous success in paring back audience numbers for games between the Colts and the Falcons on Thanksgiving, and the Cowboys and the Packers on November 29th, by limiting coverage to the NFL Network, unavailable to many viewers, and sold at a premium to others.

League spokesman Harris Mackey told reporters, “Until this season, you can’t imagine the riffraff who’d sit and watch our games, many of them wearing distressingly casual clothing and drinking discount beer. By controlling access to our games, we’re increasing the allure of the brand.”
Mackey then abruptly ended the conference, hurrying out to spend the weekend as a guest of the Goodell family, at their luxury compound in Saribo Creek, Montana.

2007-11-04T19:59:00.000-08:00

A Podcast? Who's Got a Podcast? Why, I've Got A Podcast!!

Comedy, sports, politics, the whole kit and kaboodle!
Drop by sometime!

http://morrisinthemorning.mypodcast.com/index.html

2007-11-04T19:57:00.001-08:00

Un-Original Intent

America’s Founders lived in a world of abundance, a world where civilization was finally gaining ground in what had been a millenia-long struggle to tame nature, where labor was mostly accomplished by human sweat, and where having children was a dangerous undertaking.

It would never have occurred to them that we’d face an overpopulation problem, a shortage of resources or wilderness, or business atmosphere where entrepreneurs could be locked out of an industry by huge established firms, or that firms or individuals could hoard all the resources in existence. There was always more wilderness to tame, more adventure to seek, and more markets to discover, or to grow.

If you had a business, store or service with a thriving trade in 18th century America, chances are, you’d only succeeded after apprenticing at your trade or profession, and being admitted to a guild, much like your relatives and ancestors back in Europe.

I mention all this because, it’s exhausting to hear complaints that compare the United States government of the 21st Century with the “original intent” of our “Founding Fathers.”

Madison didn’t call for a Federal Trade Commission, but he’d be shocked to learn how many fraudulent, and semi-fraudulent schemes were perpetrated and how many substandard products were foisted upon the public.

Jefferson was more suspicious of Big Government than any of his colleagues, but that cuts many ways; sure, he’d be disappointed that our government is so weighted down with bureaucracy, but he’d also wonder why we give so much money to large corporations, without any process to determine if those contributions do the public any good.
Most importantly, let’s remember: for all their noble and inspirational beliefs and actions, these leaders, patriots and pioneers who cobbled together America’s beginnings never even attempted to apply our rights, laws or social theories toward everyone. They were for people of certain classes, one gender, one skin color, and in general, one similar background. We have dared to make progress to make these principles universal for all Americans.

2007-10-20T22:38:00.002-07:00

Why is the Democratic Party selling itself the way the Republican Party sells itself?

The Republican Party sells itself as the island in a storm of fear. Always has. Communists, Terrorists, Socialized Medicine, Fluoridation, Liberals, Permissive Society, Rock n’ Roll Music, Integration, Big Government, Small Government, Functioning Government, what have you, they’re all reasons to be afraid, and you can fight back by being a Republican. It’s been a successful strategy for years.

And, it works for that political party, whose motto might well be Groucho Marx’s “Horsefeathers” song, “Whatever it is, I’m against it.”

But Democrats believe that it’s our job, as NASA scientists would say, to “work the problem.” Rather than retreating from the challenges we face, the Democratic Party, sometimes powerfully, sometimes stumbling along, has always said, “let’s work together to make our government and our society better.”

So why am I getting all kinds of literature trying to make me afraid of George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and all the other numbskulls in high office? I don’t need slick advertising telling me that the Bush Administration is bad for the economy, bad for employment, bad for the environment, bad for national security, bad on foreign policy, bad for our own democracy, either ignorant or malicious on most subjects of importance, and morally, the closest we’ve ever come to having a crime syndicate run this country.

I know all that. It’s not the job of the Democratic Party to tell me that. Their job is to tell me what they’re going to do to make this country, our government, and this world, better.

And that’s why people are saying that the two parties are the same. They’re both pushing as hard as they can for avalanches of cash so they can both put out these negative arguments. This breeds cynicism, which works just fine for Republicans, who want to tell you to be afraid of innovation, imagination, and scholarship. If you think, “they’re all crooks, they’re all the same,” then the Republican party has done its job.

It doesn’t work at all for Democrats, who apparently are fighting negative with negative, and then wonder whatever happened to the spirit of hope and optimism that made Democratic candidates so successful.

2007-10-20T22:38:00.001-07:00

Surprising!

Republican Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas has dropped out of the race for the White House because he wants to spend more time with Dennis Kucinich’s family.

2007-10-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

MONEY? You’re Giving the Cashier MONEY? Well, #%^@ YOU!!!!

Am I the only one who thinks it’s bizarre that, in a time of a credit crunch, with people defaulting on loans and going bankrupt and losing their homes, that Visa is running adds that say you’re gumming up the works, shutting down our smoothly running society, if you spend money you have in hand, instead of charging a purchase on your credit card?

To me, it’s one thing to talk about the convenience or wide acceptance, or other positives about the credit card you’re hawking.

It’s another thing entirely to say, “only a moron would use cash.” The only real difference between the two is, with a cash customer, the merchant immediately has the money, and the customer is immediately paying it. Seems a lot “smoother,” and more efficient than both agreeing to have a third party pay it now, in exchange for merchant fees, so that some time in the future, the customer will or won’t pay the debt, with or without interest and late fees.

2007-09-15T23:01:00.000-07:00

Power Lines

How many times have we heard conservatives say that “government should be run like a business”? I never agreed with the premise, since government usually ends up with tasks that aren’t designed for profitability, but let’s assume that you’re a conservative and you like the idea.

In that case, what was this little hootenany about this last week?

In what private sector job do you get to do your own performance review, as General Petraeus just did? Petraeus came to Washington, told us about how terrific all the progress is, Bush says, “Okay, good,” and now we’re all supposed to bow our heads in agreement?

Besides, the general is required to give a good report. Every time a general comes back with negative news to report, Bush yanks him.

Certainly, it’s tempting for a President to simply validate what the military is saying. Here are people devoting their lives to the defense of our country, experts in the field. Even if you make a mistake in backing them, you can always say, as Bush does, “They’re the military. Naturally, I listened to what they said, not to some politicians in Washington.”

Just two minor problems with that idea. One, in this country it is the specific job of the politicians to tell the military what to do. Our Constitution is nothing more than an 18th century placemat, without the fact that our elected civilian officials have power over the military.

Second, at key moments in American history, we were saved by Presidents who refused to follow their generals’ advice. President Lincoln sacked General McClellan in the Civil war, President Truman countermanded General MacArthur in the Korean War, and if President Kennedy had listened to his generals during the Cuban Missile Crisis, much of North America would be a nuclear wasteland right now.

It’s fine and dandy to have a President who has the support of our military. It’s far more important to have someone in the job who’s willing to tell them “no.”

2007-09-14T21:29:00.000-07:00

“At this moment, experts believe I am giving a terrific speech.”

If you heard the president’s message Thursday night, perhaps you felt the same craving I did—a hunger for facts. We live in an information based society everywhere but the White House. The president went on television and praised himself and his policies with no solid facts in support, saying things like,

“…our success in meeting these objectives (basically, security) now allows us to begin bringing some of our troops home.”

The proof of that success?

“Today, a city where al-Qaeda once planted its flag is beginning to return to normal. Anbar citizens who once feared beheading for talking to an American or Iraqi soldier now come forward to tell us where the terrorists are hiding.”

So, security, that’s good, right? Later on, far after he’s done praising himself, when he’s moved on to another topic, Bush happens to mention:

“Earlier today, one of the brave tribal sheikhs who helped lead the revolt against al-Qaeda was murdered.”

Okay, so if you oppose Al Qaeda in Iraq, even if you’re successful, apparently they can still find you and kill you. So, it’s a mixed bag.

But wait, we have expert testimony:

“This week, General David Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker testified before Congress about how that strategy is progressing … they concluded that conditions in Iraq are improving, that we are seizing the initiative from the enemy and that the troop surge is working.”

Or, to rephrase, “two people who work for me think we’re doing a great job.”

Then there’s this gem,

“Throughout Iraq, too many citizens are being killed by terrorists and death squads.”

Y’know how many “too many” is? One. One is too many citizens killed by terrorists and death squads. But I’m gonna guess you have an actual number, vastly larger than one, which you won’t share. Not just because it would be embarrassing, but because it would be a fact.

The speech was filled with what people think about how they feel, and what we should feel about what they’ve done, but no facts.

Come on, Mr. President, mention a fact…ANY fact… “there are four quarts in a gallon,” “on March July, October, May, the ides fall on the fifteenth day,” “my Vice President feeds on human flesh.” ANYTHING that isn’t some posed oil painting of how you wish things were, but is a picture of what is. Just once. For variety’s sake.

2007-09-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

Priorities

It must bring real comfort to those brave men and women serving in Iraq, to know that while they’re fighting a war, serving their country, risking death, their Republican representatives and senators are ever vigilant, doing everything humanly possible to expose the gays in their party and treat them like dirt.

2007-08-26T23:03:00.001-07:00

Which One's the Newest Dodger?

You’re 44 years old. You’re bald. You’re the same height lying down as you are standing up.

Congratulations. You’re the newest savior of the Los Angeles Dodgers.

David Wells, who spent most of August assuming he was retired, earned his first Dodger paycheck today. He allowed two runs on seven hits in five innings’ work against the New York Mets, in a Dodger win, 6-2.

But here’s the fun part: As he led off the top of the fifth inning at Shea Stadium Sunday, Wells, who says he’s 6’ 3”, 250, (which sounds low, if you’ve seen him), dropped a bunt down the third base line and beat it out for a single.

It worked because Mets third baseman David Wright logically assumed that Wells was simply too massively corpulent to lumber his way to first.

But give Wells credit. The bunt was placed perfectly, he got on base. The stunt worked, and the best part—somehow the Dodgers managed to score Wells. That was entertaining as well, because the guys behind him on the basepaths, Rafael Furcal and Juan Pierre, are fleet of foot, but had to advance one base at a time with Lefty in front of them.
Great to see the one guy who looks like half the people watching, get the win on the mound AND jumpstart the offense with his corpulent hustle.

2007-07-27T19:43:00.001-07:00

TV's All New For Fall!

Hi from Hollywood, where you drive your hybrid in the daytime to the tart frozen yogurt shop (Pinkberry), then get picked up at night in a Hummer limo. Then, it’s out onto the freeways to play Glamourland’s favorite slalom competition, “Dodge the Starlet!”

The networks are letting us all get a sneak peak at their exciting new lineups, all hoping to improve their “metrics,” an exciting new way of saying “numbers.”

ABC, already ruling the nighttime soap ratings with “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Desperate Housewives,” rolls out a new one, “Correct Change”-- Passions and power-grabs jeopardize the careers of Newport Beach, California’s young, hot professional highway toll collectors.

CBS has yet another heartwarming comedy, this one called “Fresh Start”—When an industrial spill at a hand sanitizer plant destroys all life forms within a 20-mile radius, ex-con Max Cantwell, and his long suffering wife Peg, are the first couple to move into the rebuilt neighborhood, vowing to give their marriage one more try. Inspector Taylor: Jeff Foxworthy.

FOX, whose best shows are two-dimensional has a 9:30 Sunday show to follow “American Dad.” The new series, “Unprecedented,” is all about the lives of twin teenage girls, one conservative, one reactionary, who join the Supreme Court. The first rate cast includes Glenn Close, Ron Silver, John Goodman and introducing Kikki and Sasha Velasco as Justices Harmony and Julia Crystal.

FOX is revamping its reality lineup as well. Wednesday nights, “Don’t Forget the Lyrics” will have two powerful new lead-ins. Steve Harvey hosts “Million Dollar Hopscotch,” at 8, 7 central, then Denise Richards pilots the all new “Celebrity So You Think You Can Pull My Finger!”

NBC’s Law & Order franchise is the gift that keeps on giving. This fall, a new reality show: “The Next Law & Order Star.” Twenty contestants compete for one slot on the spring replacement series, “Law & Order: Logan’s Run.”
Episode 1: The ten men and ten women show their creativity with this line—
“Can you think of any reason why anyone would want to do this to your husband/ wife/ cousin/ ficus plant?”

The Peacock network also hopes to strengthen its Sunday night lineup with “Tim Russert Theater”—The “Meet the Press” host and Washington Bureau chief presents weekly hourlong dramas which begin by raising controversial topics and end by reminding us that nothing will ever change, which is all for the best.

The Sundance Channel, delighted with the results of its vodka-powered “Iconoclasts” series, has a spin-off from that show, called “Clash,” where legendary talents rumored to be at odds with each other are brought together for an exchange of views. Episode 1: Max Baer, Jr. beats the living hell out of “Cinderella Man” director Ron Howard.

Animal Planet has something out of the ordinary planned: “International Crim-animals,” a new series based on real life crimes perpetrated, sadly, with the help of the suspects’ animal friends. In Episode 1, “When the pet Persian of a suspected terrorist coughs up a furless furball, Pokriefke and Harvey drop their plans for a romantic getaway, and pull out their tweezers.”

Disney Channel’s “Happy Hillside Lane” features Mike and Jenny Kramer and their five kids, living on the same street as his parents, and around the corner from hers! In the premiere, Mike’s carry permit passes the background check.

Other cinches to be fan favorites include MSNBC’s “That’s Sooo Stone Phillips”; VH1’s “The Stuff,” a show that lists some stuff; FX’s “The Fling,” where each week, a catapult hurls contestants at an historic American brick wall; Survivors win big cash prizes and a staff job at FoxNews. Episode 1: Independence Hall, Philadelphia; and E!’s Celebrity Scavenger Hunt which kicks off with a five hour premiere episode: “Paris Hilton needs to find a stapler.”
Whether you watch on your iPhone, online, in HD, or just on a plain old television, there’s plenty of excitement coming your way this fall from Hollywood! Enjoy!

2007-07-27T19:42:00.001-07:00

McCain Campaign Solves Finance Problem

(Portsmouth NH) Presidential hopeful Senator John McCain (R-AZ) told a crowd of 500 in downtown Portsmouth today, “America’s future is secure because Americans are willing to pay the price to make it secure. My friends, we’ve always told each other the truth. And the truth is, right now, I could go for a frosty mug of Hires Root Beer.”

It’s the first of a series of product placements designed to bolster McCain’s close-to-bankrupt Presidential campaign, according to finance director Jill Bostwick. “People know that Senator McCain believes in core American values, like democracy and free enterprise. This is a way for us to demonstrate that, unlike some wily politicians, the Senator will, through the private sector, earn back the funds to conduct this historic campaign.”

Ironically, McCain, who has sponsored campaign finance reform over the years, now relies on these commercial underwriters to keep his own campaign afloat.

Sources say, Bostwick hopes to lock up deals with an insulation company, a detergent, a breakfast cereal, and an official beer, within the month. A greater challenge is an official car company. Industry leaders Toyota and Honda were ruled out, lest the public think the Japanese have Mr. McCain in their pocket. GM and Ford were also non-starters, for fear that the Arizona senator’s name be associated with a loser.

For now, the product placement plan is bringing in cash, and just hitting its stride. Later this week, at a stop in Des Moines, IA, McCain is scheduled to say, “I’ll shake everyone’s hands today…and you can rest easy, knowing I use Purell Brand Hand Sanitizer.”

2007-07-04T23:31:00.000-07:00

In America, Soldiers Don’t Get to Decide

On this Fourth of July, it’s natural to think about, and pray for, the soldiers who fight for our country all around the world.

The United States is a country founded on ideas. Courageous Americans have always put themselves in harm’s way so that this country can exist.

But the ideas behind America also transformed the relationship between a nation and its military. For thousands of years, fighters went out in search of treasure, or profit; many fought with the idea that they’d gain land or other property, and attain greater power in their own country when they returned.

Then, along comes the Declaration of Independence, and the Revolutionary War. The Declaration says, “all men are created equal.” Which not only punctures the Divine Right of Kings idea, it also means that our rights are not apportioned according to our military service. You fight to defend this country, not to rule it.

The greatest irony might be that, here you are, in 1776, going to war on behalf of a new breakthrough in freedom in the history of the world, but first, by joining the military, you are offering to relinquish the great blessing promised by that Declaration: your life, your liberty, and your pursuit of happiness.

Because war brings the tragedies of injury and death, we spend little time thinking about the other two promises—liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
But a soldier has no freedom. A soldier doesn’t even get to decide where or why we fight. And a soldier has one pursuit—the success of the mission.

America’s fighting men and women pioneered this idea—namely, that they will do battle, face the enemy, do what must be done, and then, when they return, they will return and again become, not the Baron or Dutchess of the new region they’ve conquered, not a member of the elite voting bloc that decides the country’s future, but as just another U.S. citizen.

Which makes their sacrifice even more admirable and remarkable.

2007-07-02T23:44:00.000-07:00

Which one was Nixon? What’s a “wall”? Can you really make them out of “stone”?

Maybe it’s all those 7 A.M. guest spots on the “Today Show.” Maybe he’s afraid of making the Bush enemies list. For whatever reason, a tidbit at a time, Tim Russert’s been losing his mind, or his spine, for quite a while.

The latest evidence came from this exchange during Sunday’s (7/1/07) “Meet the Press,” when Russert was talking with Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy, the Vermont Democrat:

MR. RUSSERT: Let me ask you about two words that you used on a statement you put out on Thursday. I’m “even more disappointed now by this Nixonian stonewalling.” What is Nixonian stonewalling?

SEN. LEAHY: They have taken the attitude at the, at the White House that somehow they’re above the law. They—if they make a decision that there’s something they want to do, nobody should question them on it. The vice president’s even been quoted as saying, “The courts can’t question it. The Congress can’t question it.” That’s a Nixonian attitude, and it’s wrong.

Patrick Leahy’s a better man than I am, that’s for sure. If Tim Russert had asked me the same question, it would have gone more like this:

MR. RUSSERT: “What is Nixonian stonewalling?”,

ME: “You know, Tim, he came and went so quickly that I’m not surprised that you don’t remember that there was a President named ‘Richard Nixon.’ This Nixon fellow, while he had many fine points, mind you, used to do whatever he could to prevent any flow of documents, testimony, or any kind of information to the Congress, or prosecutors, or anyone whose loyalty he questioned.

“In fact, and I know you’ll find this part particulary adorable, he had a group of people he called ‘plumbers’ because they were assigned to seal any leaks of information from the White House, by any means necessary, a strategy called ‘stonewalling.’ What can I say? It was the 70’s, the Godfather movies were all the rage, when we weren’t boogie-ing down to K.C. and the Sunshine Band. Oh, how we loved our zany organized crime family in the White House!

“But wait Tim, you were in law school at the time. Surely his name must have come up from time to time? As in ‘People v. Nixon’? ‘US v. Nixon’? A commercial break? Okay... gee, I just got here!”

2007-06-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

Is Flomax Right for YOU???

I only ask because the informative tv ads for Flomax detail the "male urinary symptoms due to BPH (Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia)," which, son of a gun, you can control with Flomax.

Near as I can remember them, these are the key symptoms:

Going often;

Feeling the sudden need to go frequently;

Going urgently;

Weak stream;

Getting up to get to go when you feel that urgent call to go;

Getting up at night to go;

Going once you get up at night;

Staying up once you've gotten up to go, then going again;

Finding that in the middle of events, you need to go;

Excessive or unrewarding going;

Driving, but finding that suddenly you have an urge to go;

Needing to go when you’re just trying to read something.;

Wanting to stay, but finding it hard to explain that your really need to go;

Staying;

If any of these sound familiar, they make the crazy suggestion that you should "talk to your doctor." Also, be sure to tell your doctor if you have a goiter, have been thinking about having a goiter, or find that thinking about goiters intensifies your need to go.

2007-06-08T18:45:00.000-07:00

I Love Paris in the Springtime

Let's review the judge's original sentencing form for Paris Hilton, and see where the misunderstanding began.

Oh, I see. Yes, very gray area there...

2007-06-05T23:38:00.000-07:00

Hello I’m Wolf Blitzer, and this is CNN, home of The Best Political Team on TV (registered trademark). Tonight, a special remix of the Democratic and Republican debates. With me are Larry King, Anderson Cooper, Candy Crowley, and John King, the Best Political Team on TV TM . We have a forty point bonus question coming; here’s the toss up… Governor Huckabee?

Huckabee: Was it the Malachites?

Blitzer: Please let me ask a question. As we meet tonight in New Hampshire… Senator Biden?

Biden: Eric, first I want to thank you and your family for your service and your sacrifice.

Blitzer: Please, everyone…hands off your buzzers. Let me ask the first question. How, if at all, would you change the direction of our nation’s efforts in Iraq? Senator McCain?

McCain: Well, I also want to thank Eric and his family for their service and their sacrifice. And I want to thank the people of New Hamsphire for welcoming us for a candid discussion of the issues. In Iraq…

Blitzer: Thank you, Senator…

McCain: I just want to say we can’t simply leave the country in its current condition, and…

Blitzer: I’m sorry Senator…

McCain: AndthatIhaveafivepartplanto…

Blitzer: Senator Dodd?

Dodd: Well, in terms of thanking, I also want to…

Blitzer: Senator Dodd, what about our Iraq, policy?

Dodd: Well, deploying an army without regard for the various concerns that should be regarded in this dangerous region is penultimate to visiting wrath upon those who would have us…

Blitzer: Congressman Kucinich?

Kucinich: First, I want to say whatever will most annoy the centrists in this country. I’m not saying I believe in surrendering in Iraq and running home crying, but if saying that is the least politically helpful thing I can say, I’d like to say that right now.

Blitzer: Senator Brownback, you had something ?

Brownback: Yes, Wolf, even if it jeopardizes the life of the mother. Because when the end times come…

Blitzer: By a show of hands, how many of you support our current course of action in Iraq? Governor Romney?

Romney: No, I believe this war has been ill-advised, but I believe in a right to life, and while I know such issues trouble Mayor Giuliani, I am not going to distance myself from my religion.

Giuliani: Wolf? Excuse me. Wolf?

Kucinich: Wouldn’t this be a horrible time to declare myself a Wiccan?

Giuliani: Wolf? Excuse me. Wolf?

Blitzer: Senator Clinton, I believe that earlier you were telling Candy Crowley, part of the Best Political Team on TV TM, about the…?

Clinton: Yes, I was just thinking back on Eric’s family and their wonderful sacrifice that has made our nation stronger. Y’know, Wolf, when I was in the White House, where the President lives, for eight years, I did some very important things, for people of all races, nationalities, colors, shapes and configuration, and I take delight…

Giuliani: Wolf…excuse me, Wolf?

Blitzer: Mayor Giuliani?

Giuliani: I believe Governor Mormon has just called me a communist. Certainly, in all the time that America was under attack, and I lobbed grenades at the oncoming threat, saving our nation, and vowing to live to fight another day, nobody questioned my orientations. We’re fighting a bizarre and misguided war in Iraq, and it’s the best thing that ever happened to us. We’re a safer nation because of it. All is well. I am here. And as far as the right to life is concerned, if 9/11 courage doesn’t prove my belief in 9/11 life, then I’m not standing here today, wearing this lovely american flag as a reminder of how grateful I am…

Blitzer: Thank you… Congressman Tancredo?

Tancredo: Here we go, down that same road, of idiots spending tons of money to stroke their own egos. As President, I’d guarantee that we’d all have the right to shoot any such idiot.

Blitzer: Thank you, Congressman Tancredo. Congressman Paul, what role would your administration have for CNN’s leading-man handsome John Roberts?

Paul: I can’t believe it. You’re actually talking to me. Well…

Blitzer: Thank you Congressman. Senator Obama?

Obama: Well, on Iraq, which I believe was the original question, Senator Edwards is forgetting my 47 point plan which addresses all the needs of everyone who’s ever been in Iraq, and anyone who’s ever played chess. Speaking of which, queen’s knight to bishops four, Congressman Paul. Check.

Blitzer: Senator Edwards, would you like to respond to that?

Edwards: Y’know, poor people don’t care that we’re all up here in our fancy suits, drinking our icewater from fancy glasses. They want help. They want help with health care, with employment…

Blitzer: And on Iraq?

Edwards: This is a misguided, ill-advised, dunderheaded, dangerous, bunglebrained,…

Brownback: Oh, the Lord just loves hearing you attack the righteous. He’s laughing at you big time, slugger.

Huckabee: See that’s where we’re misguided. We should be judgmental and narrow-minded, but in a benign and disorienting way.

Clinton: As I was telling Nelson Mandela at a screening of “The American President”…

Dodd: Insofar as policy decisions have corrosive potential within our biosphere, I’d have to say that more considerations must be made, serious considerations…

Blitzer: When we come back, WMUR’s Jennifer Vaughn will tell members of our studio audience what their names are and where they’re from. Then later, a six- hour sweat lodge with The Best Damn Political Team on TV TM. This is CNN, the Most Trusted Name in News TM, Where America Shops For Value TM.

2007-05-30T23:55:00.000-07:00

Dear God in Heaven, Whatever You Do, Please Oh Please Don’t EVER Let Me Hear That Song Again…

I swear, all I wanted was to see a movie tonight.

So I went to the Arclight Cinemas, to see a low budget movie that’s all the rage, called “Once.” And believe me, that was plenty.

My first time at the Arclight—oops—the ArcLight, Hollywood’s upscale movie theater. The one that has a card you can read called “What’s Different about ArcLight.”

I love the upscale, so why not. Besides, it’s the only place to see “Once.” I enter the theater, ask for a ticket, and the salesperson, with the shoulder length dyed-black hair isn’t printing the ticket at all. He says, “Are you a member?”
I say, “A member? You mean of the movie theater?”
He says, “Yuh.”
I say “No.”

I’d love to know what the benefits of membership are or what it costs, but before I can ask, he’s saying, “Frmsnatkabsnk!”
I say, “What?”
He says, louder and faster, “FRMSNATKABSNK!”
I look around. I say, “Look, I’m sorry, I have no idea,”
He says, “Frontcenterorback?”
I say, “Center.”

He prints a ticket with a reserved seat row and number: L 23.

I’m early. I walk into the theater. There are no letters marked anywhere on the rows, or on the seats, except for a random distribution of A’s. L being the 12th letter in the alphabet, I count back 12 rows, and sit in the twelfth, or back row of the theater.

Later, more people come. Now there are ushers seating people. I’m just going to sit here and see what happens. Finally, another audience member sits up in my row. I ask him what row number he has. He says “Y.” He says only the ushers know which row is which. Ah. Excellent idea. Let’s not spoil the surprise by letting the person who bought the ticket find their own seat.

But I’m not moving. No worries: the theater was about a quarter full.

The previews come on. The sound is terrific, the picture quality excellent. Now we’re getting somewhere.

Unfortunately the feature begins. “Once” is promoted as a sweet and simple movie about a young man and woman who meet on the streets of Dublin, and write songs together. Somewhere toward the beginning of the film, we begin to hear a slow, goopy song called, “Falling Slowly.” I found out the song title later, online, because we hear a dozen songs during the film, all of which sound similarly goopy and slow.

Like having molasses that looked lovely in the jar being poured over your head endlessly. The songs themselves are very repetitive—this writer gets a hold of a three or four word run of notes or words and marries them forever and ever. They all sound like “feeling bad is such a bad feeling I don’t want your hurtness to resound.”

Aw, gee. I really wanted to like this movie. And I especially wanted to like the theater. ArcLight gets a second chance. But I’ll sit wherever I wanna. Because I’m trouble.

2007-05-21T00:52:00.000-07:00

Brazen; Unconscionable

Brazen, adj. : bold; impudent; shameless.

Unconscionable, adj.: conscienceless: lacking a conscience; "a conscienceless villain"; "brash, unprincipled, and conscienceless"; "an unconscionable liar"

Example:

A lobbyist whose main job was to obstruct, delay, or circumvent the Consumer Product Safety Commission, Michael Baroody of the National Association of Manufacturers, has just been appointed by President Bush to run…anyone? … anyone? That’s right—the Consumer Product Safety Commission. And just so there’s no misunderstanding, when he leaves the NAM, they’re going to give him a severance check, so he’ll make the same income this year:

A senior lobbyist at the National Association of Manufacturers nominated by President Bush to lead the Consumer Product Safety Commission will receive a $150,000 departing payment from the association when he takes his new government job, which involves enforcing consumer laws against members of the association.

The lobbyist, Michael E. Baroody, wrote recently to the commission’s general counsel that the severance was an “extraordinary payment” under a federal ethics rule, requiring him to remove himself from agency matters involving the association for two years. Under the rule, a payment is “extraordinary” if an employer grants it after learning that the employee is being considered for a government position and it is not part of an established compensation or benefits program.

Mr. Baroody said in the letter that the payment would not prevent him from considering matters involving individual companies that are members of the manufacturers’ association, many of whom are defendants in agency proceedings over defective products or have other business before the commission. Nor would it preclude him from involvement with smaller trade groups like those representing makers of home appliances and children’s products that have alliances with the association.

As chairman of the commission, Mr. Baroody’s salary would be $154,600. With the severance payment and an additional lump sum of $44,571 for unused leave time, Mr. Baroody would receive $349,171 this year. That amount, which excludes Mr. Baroody’s pension and retirement payments, nearly matches the $344,607 salary that Mr. Baroody earned as the second-highest-paid executive at the association last year.

Read more about this latest Bush appointment

2007-05-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

IMUS Sides 5:

"Let’s double-lock that barn door"

When I heard about the Imus remarks and the uproar, my first reaction was, “NOW you’re upset? NOW there’s going to be a public firing?”

To be more specific, Howard Stern plays gunshots on the air to commemorate the death of Selena, DJ Star (in New York) goes on the air with jokes about the plane crash death of Aaliyah, “Bob and Madison in the Morning” in North Carolina tell listeners to throw empty bottles at bicyclists, the “Hot 97” morning show does a comedy song about tsunami deaths, the “Greaseman” goes on the air in Washington, D.C. in ’85 and says, about Martin Luther King Day, “they should shoot four more of them and give us a whole week off,” and years later comes out of a Lauryn Hill recording saying, "and they wonder why we drag them behind trucks," and NOW you’re upset?

Gwen Stefani, role model for girls everywhere, who puts out her own line of dolls, records a song calling herself a “stupid ho”, and singing, “it’s my s**t, it’s my s**t, it’s my s**t…,” movie ads on television, morning noon and night, advertise the best way to torture people—usually women, and, never mind Janet Jackson’s nipple, how about her song on over a thousand pop radio stations, with her expressing her need to “ride that package tonight” Destiny’s Child saying “you gotta be gansta if you’re looking for me” and now, NOW you find we’ve crossed the line?

This is like a Minnesotan cowboy in Tierra del Fuego complaining that they’ve crossed the Mason-Dixon line.

I believe that, no matter how inventive we are with technologies, no matter how innovative we are with our ideas, we always have the opportunity to create a country, and a world, where we meet with respect for each other. We just have to want it enough to insist on it.
But, if Imus is the straw that broke the camel’s back, that’s one strong camel. Because there was a ton of straw already in place.

2007-05-04T22:34:00.000-07:00

Imus Sides 4:

“It wasn’t funny”

Of all the opinions I’ve read and heard about the Imus incident, this one, which I’ve encountered all over the place, has to be the oddest.

Funny is subjective. If we’re gonna castigate people and fire them, let’s pick a more objective standard. If everyone gets fired for "not funny," well, for starters, it'll be a much shorter broadcast day. It's the content, not whether anyone laughs. Though, being tasteless AND unfunny is rotten, I'll grant you that.

Consider: Years ago, working as a comedian in New York and New England, there was one comedy bit I’d hear time and time again from successful comics: the one about drunk driving. “Be sure to quiver when they take your license picture, so the cop who stops you will think he’s drunk too.” “Thank God the new Hondas have the beer holders where you can reach them.” And various jokes about walking straight lines, drive through windows to get loaded, and so on.

All of these jokes absolutely killed in every club I heard them. Uproarious laughter. Comedians had to stop to wait for the laughs to finish, before adding the next drunk driving joke.

These weren’t prison audiences. These were ordinary folks, coming in for a laugh at the end of a tough workday. Ask any one of them, this stuff was wonderful. Meanwhile, at that very moment some drunk driver is plowing into someone out there.

In the workplace of years ago, racial and ethnic putdowns were often part of the daily conversation—excused because the jokers and the listeners thought the stuff was killer material. The same for the crude jokes about women.

Perhaps in some other world, “The Philadelphia Story” “Punk’d” Sara Silverman, Chris Rock, Dom Irrerra, Steve Martin, Ellen DeGeneres, Peter Schickele, Wanda Sikes, David Letterman, “Borat” and “I Love Lucy” are of equal value. They all belong to the category funny. But you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who thinks they all are.

What Imus said wasn’t funny to me. But you can bet it was funny to someone. The good news is, that way of thinking doesn’t rule our time.

2007-05-04T22:31:00.000-07:00

IMUS Sides 3:

"Welcome to the Edge"

In the showbiz world, over the past 10 years or so, you’ve heard one word, or a variation on it, oh-so many times: “edge.” (see also: “edgy”)

As in, “she’s a soccer mom, but with an edge,” or “he’s an edgy Jimmy Stewart”.

Edgy—a little dangerous, certainly not sentimental. Busy pushing toward goals, not worrying about how everyone feels about it. So there.

That gradually became,” “the bleeding edge.” Clearly, more dangerous than just the edge, because the cutting edge can just sit there and be edgy, but now we’re talking about blood, so dangerous bordering on creepy.

Even if folks were talking about toilet tissue (which is notoriously soothing) or theme music for a talk show (rarely involved in direct combat), we’d talk about getting on that edge and staying there.

How’d the culture get to the edge?

Maybe it was the half-century of “biggest nights in television history,” “number ONE car dealers,” “happiest places” in our hyperbolic ads. Or maybe it was the treacle of easy resolution to problems on our tv shows.

A new generation of media savvy kids were burned out on happy by age 7. They needed new stimulation. So, the edginess. Or maybe they were edgy already from all that sugar. No matter. Here we are at the edge.

The formula for edge goes something like this: take your content—screenplay, song, tv spot, what have you—and remove the compassion, ratchet up the selfishness, and if you can manage it, threaten your audience.

If you can actually injure others, that’d be sweet, too, but most importantly—be indifferent to the pain of others. There! Now you’re in the zone!

Which is where Mr. Imus was, or believed he was, making his living. On the edge. Quite an achievement for a guy from the Moxie generation.

For Imus, the edge came from several sources—his generations-younger alpha male staff, (including show producer Bernard McGuirk, who brought up the word “ho” in the first place,) from Imus’s own cranky (as in “why the hell did you kids wake me up for this”) demeanor, but most valuably, from Imus’s deep well of skepticism about the powerful.

Imus’s regular audience loved his raucousness, but they also loved his conversations with politicians, journalists, and other opinionators, because he had zero tolerance for windbags. The famous and powerful, accustomed to having their behinds smooched, understood that in this one interview, there’d be someone slicing through their boiler plate baloney. And for a few minutes, they’d have to account for themselves in public.

Which we vitally need in an age of “mistakes were made” “we’re making real progress” and “you’re doin’ a great job, Brownie.” That part of the cynicism—the impatience with bloviators, that’s the part of the show that has real nutritional value. The rest is just

Maybe, on Implosion Day, April 4, 2007, Imus, edgy cantankerous Imus, heard the word “ho”, and responded with the meanest crankiest thing he could think of.

Because it’s 2007. He’s getting older every day. And he can’t afford to lose his edge.

2007-05-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

IMUS Sides 2:

"I think I get it, but how can I?"

You are a compassionate person. You believe that the injustices of racism continue to this day. Where there is a call to action, you give money; you march.

You understand that, for many people of color, as in any gymnastics or skating events, many achievements merit an even higher total score, because of the degree of difficulty created by our society. It’s not just how much you achieve—it’s what you had to go through to achieve it.

So, when Don Imus says those three words, being a person of compassion, you feel qualified to gauge their impact, to think of what a measured and proportional response to those words might be.

But, like me, you are wrong. “Nappy-headed” is a loaded term, a term that reaches back before rap, before “gangsta,” to the days of humans owning other humans, and appraising their value on the auction block, the way you’d judge livestock.

So, in trying to understand, there’s always this cultural/historical chasm that’s impossible to traverse.

It’s amazing that, with such an economy of words, Imus has put so many of us in a position where we feel unqualified to grasp or measure the impact on our brothers and sisters of color.

2007-05-04T22:24:00.000-07:00

IMUS Sides 1:

"There-- Problem Solved"

A Brief History:

In 1640, in Bournemouth England, the Most Reverend Archibald Imus approached the Queen Mary Virginia Trading Company, Ltd, with an intriguing proposal—that the “vessels currently transporting rum to our shoures (sic) might be used to transport African slave labour to the new world.” -- Historical Archives

Over a century later, "...the framers of the Constitution were, as a group, fed up. For months now, through bitter cold, and now, worse, sweltering malarial humidity of a Philadelphia summer, they had wrangled over this document, which settled most controversies by refusing to address them. Now, a town crier from Tennessee, Dennis Imus, was proposing that slaves be included in the constitution as property.”

Less than forty years after the Constitution became law, the Missouri Compromise Bill, which insulted all parties on the issue of slavery while resolving nothing, seemed doomed from the outset. The call for the admission of both free states and slave states wouldn’t change the long-running battle over abolition; it would just make both sides louder. The coalition for passage was a fragile one; Northern and Southern leaders recognized it as a feeble measure—an all but certain precursor to war. Allegiances proved fickle; senators went to bed advocating one side, and woke up the next morning on the other.

Just then, a pamphlet circulated, entitled “Sanity,” urging passage “to display our willingness to unify despite our differences.” That message carried the day. The bill was passed. The author of this notorious argument wisely chose anonymity, signing his work with in Latin, “Donaldimus.”

Now, after nearly 400 years of oppression, America has exiled broadcaster Don Imus, who, in this past century, segregated our schools, buses, restrooms and lunch counters, and launched the meteorological forces that resulted in hurricanes Katrina and Rita. Huzzah, America! We are healed at last.

2007-05-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

I come from radio. Since the day Imus imploded, different ideas have been arguing inside my head. I started jotting notes.

So I'm just going to put it all down in ones and zeroes, and see if any of this adds up for anyone else.

Welcome to "Imus Sides."

Enjoy. Or print one up and read it when you can't sleep.

Either way, enough with the yelling in my head.

2007-03-21T23:07:00.000-07:00

U.S. Attorney Firings: Oh No! Confrontation! Klieg Lights!

In the 1947 movie “Copacabana,” in the song “Go West, Young Man,” Groucho Marx explains why you need to head for the frontier,

“You can ride a bucking bronco or a pony; You can cut a calf in half and make baloney.”

This White House doesn’t need to travel. It doesn’t even need a calf. It generates its own baloney.

The U.S. Attorney firings are a particularly clear example of fascinating gibberish.

Here’s the story in one sentence: The White House and the Justice Department in coordination with Republican legislators, targeted U.S. Attorneys to be fired, either because they didn’t agree to immediately harass and prosecute Democratic candidates, or because they did prosecute and convict Republican office-holders.

Is that illegal? No. Is it nakedly political? You bet. Can the Democrats do anything about it? Not really. All they can do is expose it for the record, so it won’t disappear into the fog of time.

In reaction to the Democratic push for accountability, the President and his staff are maneuvering and contorting enough to put the “Cirque de Soleil” acrobats to shame.

On Tuesday, the President said that “Democrats now have to choose whether they will waste time and provoke an unnecessary confrontation, or whether they will join us in working to do the people’s business.”

--Oops. Minor problem: It’s Congress’s job to decide when and whether it’s necessary to confront the executive branch. Checks and balances. The Republicans were gleeful at dragging Clinton White House officials in to testify. Remember?

Bush said he wouldn’t stand by while Congress was “dragging White House members up there to score political points, or put the klieg lights on.”

--Your folks fired these attorneys exactly because of politics, Mr. President. And if you’re afraid of a little light thrown on the subject, that speaks for itself.

Counselor to the President Dan Bartlett told NPR’s Robert Siegel, “Well, Robert, we sure hope there doesn't have to be a confrontation with another branch of government, the legislative body here.”

--The word “confrontation” comes up a lot. Must be a Republican Talking Point, one of those words or phrases they’ve all been encouraged to use whenever discussing this issue.

Bartlett added,

“What I fear, Robert, is that what members of the Democratic Party who are in charge of this investigation may really be aimed at is not really, 'let's learn the facts,' but, 'hey, we have a huge political opportunity here. Let's bring up the villain himself, Karl Rove, and put him before the klieg lights here and have a big trial in which we can throw any question we want at him.'”

--There are those damned “klieg lights” again. Apparently, America’s two greatest dangers are “confrontation” and “klieg lights.”

Fine. Let’s cut to the chase. Rove and his minions are willing to do “private interviews” with Congressional leaders, where they can lie, then lie about what their lies, and avoid prosecution for perjury, if any remaining U.S Attorney has the guts to even charge them. Rove and company don’t want the public to know how they operate, or for there to be an agreed upon transcript of what they’ve said, or to be legally liable if they don’t tell the truth.

And once again, all the coverage on this story ignores or obscures the most important feature of it. Which is: time and again, this administration obliterates the “gray areas” where government worked well without excessive refereeing.

For years, new Presidents have come in, fired a bunch of U.S. Attorneys at the start of their new administrations, though the firings were often entirely political, it was an accepted practice. Now that this gang has fired individual attorneys for failing to accommodate specific political aims, Congress is going to have to make a bunch of stupid regulations to make sure that nobody is this cravenly petty again.

If you hate regulations, please let’s remember, they’re usually prompted by somebody else’s previous bad behavior. You and I aren’t going to fly planes into buildings; but because people did that, we all have to start every trip by attesting that we won’t. You and I wouldn’t have a factory with no exits, so one spark can turn the building into a tomb. But some companies did, and now there are regulations. You and I aren’t going to take stockholders’ money and build solid gold statues of ourselves; but somebody else did, and now, there’s a new set of regulations.

And now, every time you hire or fire a U.S. Attorney, even for a routine reason, there are going to be 50 hearings and a luau before we can just move on to the next order of business.

2007-03-14T23:08:00.000-07:00

Sit Down Comedy with David Steinberg

Tonight on TVLand, Steinberg interviewed Jon Stewart. See it online.

Stewart, whether talking about politics, his kids, or what drives him as a comedian, is brilliant. And Steinberg recalls being put on Richard Nixon's "enemies list," where he was harassed, followed, the FBI contacted his friends, etc. I didn't know about that, but I did remember the joke that apparently triggered Nixon's anger. Actually, I remember Steinberg originally telling the joke, years ago, and I remember rolling on the linoleum floor of our den, gagging with laughter.

Odd to find myself lip-synching the punchline with one of the great comedians of my childhood. It was an observation:

"I'm about to tell you something about President Nixon that will change forever the way you think about him. Once you know this, you will always remember it: Richard Nixon's face... ...looks like a foot."

2007-03-05T22:27:00.000-08:00

News Headlines

Gracious Acting Veteran Alan Arkin Nabs Oscar, Saying, "Thank you, Norbit!!"

Obama, Clinton March "Together and Apart" in Selma, as Legendary Civil Rights Figures Form Protective Buffer Zone

In Jerusalem, Director James Cameron Untombs Massive Ego

Deer Rescued From Highway; Driver Said, "It had that George Bush in Headlights Look"

Stefani Tops Charts With Latest, "I've Got a Pwobwem With My Tic Toc Bing Bang"

Gang of Astronomy Street Toughs, Having Rubbed Out Pluto, Seen Bothering Neptune at Recess

2007-02-24T19:27:00.000-08:00

News Headlines:

Mac Dweebs Identify With Cool "Mac Guy," on “Mac-PC” Ads

Iran Says No Violation; “That Depends on What Your Definition of ‘Exploding Thermonuclear Device’ Is”

New “Air Passenger’s Bill of Rights” to Include “No Seatback in Front of You Crushing Your Sternum”

Emphatic Denial: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Anna Nicole Smith Not Mentioned in Headline Just to Drive Traffic to This Website

Hollywood Starlets Announce Oscar Party Standard for Hook Up: Best Supporting Nomination or Better

2007-02-21T23:45:00.000-08:00

News Headlines

Microsoft Promotion Bundles VISTA With Midol, Sledgehammer

"Saw" Director Hosts PETA Benefit

Worldwide "Live Earth" Day, 7/7/07, To Surpass '05 Compost-Apalooza

Knicks Kiss Playoff Hopes, Pistons, Goodbye

2007-02-18T22:44:00.000-08:00

News Headlines, 2/19/07:

Tribe in Borneo Shockingly Resembles Show People; Smile When They Are Low

Being, Nothingness, Tied at 3, After Rousing Game Twelve

Music Industry Abuzz About Upcoming "Britney Sings Yul" Album, "Et Cetera"

Faberge Egg Incredible, Inedible

Kim Jong Il-- I'd Totally Disarm, For One Dance With C J Cregg

2007-02-16T22:03:00.000-08:00

Today's Headlines

Hackers Seize GPS Control; 40 Million Converge on Boise

Larry King Threatens: “Bounce the Gossip, Book Shecky Greene, or I’m Outa Here”

Triple Threat Timberlake Scores Emmy, Grammy, and Aunt Margaret

Police Reunite; Krupke Nabs Jets, Sharks, on Loitering Beef

Entry From Newly Discovered Lincoln Diary: “I Shall Save the Union, In Hope That Someday, Americans Might Save Up to 70% on High-Thread-Count Linens”

Mishap, as Giants Re-Sign Bonds: His Laser Eyes Singe Contract

2007-02-15T18:31:00.000-08:00

Today's Headlines:

Judge in Anna Nicole Smith Case: Bury the Attorneys

NBA’s Allen Iverson: I’m Not Gay, But I Once Took a Six-Foot Jumper in San Antonio That Looked Kinda Gay

President Bush Announces Plan to Send “Real” Surge of 50,000 Troops; Insists Congress Must Supply, Protect and Fully Arm Security Force Deployed in Iraq to Support Supplies for Surge Force, and Fully Arm and Supply New “Real” Surge Forces in Addition to Original Surge Forces and Troops There Before Either Surge

With Forehead Botox Treatment, CBS’s Couric Resembles Either Fierce Tiger, or Front End of Sports Car

Playoffs: Howard K. Stern Advances; Will Face Family of Ted Williams in Semis

2007-02-01T00:05:00.000-08:00

Pedestrian Injuries at 17, As Biden Implodes on Launch; Vilsack Gains Ground

(Washington, D.C. Exclusive to TWAMSIAM)—Seventeen Washington, D.C. – area pedestrians were treated and released, after sustaining minor injuries caused by the implosion of Senator Joseph Biden (D-Delaware).

The implosion occurred three minutes and seventeen seconds after Biden’s website announced his candidacy for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination. The old record was twenty-seven hours, thirty-one minutes and forty-four seconds, held by

Biden began his race for the presidency by inviting accusations of racism, plagiarism, gay-bashing, and sexism. First, he told the New York Observer that “unlike other African-American politicians, (Illinois senator) Barack Obama is ‘leading man-handsome, aristocratic of bearing, smart as a whip, and pretty as a flower. He’s a crisp, clean, articulate and peppy guy. He’s terrific. He’s effervescent as a sasparilla, just what we Democrats need.’”

Senator Obama, a contender for the Democratic nomination himself, said he didn’t take the comments personally, but added “Joe is probably compensating for the tiny-ness of his state.”

The plagiarism charges were leveled by attorneys for the Cadbury Schweppes Bottling Group, the company that bottles Seven-Up. CSBG’s counsel is considering a copyright infringement lawsuit against the Delaware senator, claiming that his description of Obama as “crisp, clean and effervescent” too closely resembles Seven-Up’s 1970’s UnCola campaign, when actor Geoffrey Holder told America “It’s crisp and clean with no caffeine. Ha ha ha.”

The Out Alliance, a gay and lesbian advocacy group, claims that by calling Obama “pretty,” Senator Biden is mocking the gay lifestyle, while, in another dramatic development, New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s campaign staff has leaked an 8 millimeter film of Biden referring to Senator Clinton as “a wonderfully kooky chick.”

As D.C. sanitation workers put in overtime to clean up the debris from Biden’s implosion, a CNN/Paramount Pictures/Weekly Reader survey says the Biden miscue is a boon for former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack. Vilsack, whose national name recognition factor is four point behind that of Kresge, Montana sheriff Preston Imelmahaye, has now passed Biden in the polls. As of this morning, Vilsack is only 14 points both Sasparilla and Kooky Chick.

2007-01-28T22:03:00.000-08:00

Mark O'Connell Remembered

If you were in Minnesota at some point in the last fifteen or so years, or in Tulsa, Oklahoma before that, I hope you got a chance to hear Mark O’Connell, one of the best broadcasters I ever knew. Mark and I worked together in the early nineties, doing a morning show at the Twin Cities’ KQQL-FM, “KOOL 108.” Later, and for many more years, Mark teamed up with Ron Rosenbaum to do their popular morning talk show for KSTP-AM.

Sadly and suddenly, Mark passed away on January 20th of this year. You can read more about him here

including my remarks:

… it was an enduring delight to be on the air with him. He held himself to very high standards, was a gifted and insightful journalist, and then, on a dime, could pivot and be the funniest guy in the room.

He was the most generous of partners, quick to take a back seat if everything was running smoothly, quick to take the wheel if we were headed for a ditch, without ever taking a victory lap for his efforts.
I loved watching football with him, or listening to him talk about his pride and joy, Gloria and their children, who turn out to be wonderful adults to be around.
There was an element to Mark's character that goes beyond what I can express here. In spite of his no nonsense manner, and his determination to create excellence, which he did, but never admitted doing, Mark was an incredibly compassionate man. What separated him from other also talented broadcasters was an old-fashioned sense of compassion for the human race, for each of us as individuals, and the determination that like George Bailey, he would constantly pay attention to the little ways that he could make everyone else's life a far richer experience.

2007-01-23T20:23:00.000-08:00

The Challenge of Borat

If you Google “Borat ethics” or “Borat moral” you’ll get about 1.5 million choices. But so far, I’ve been unable to find anyone discussing the real moral question this movie asks, so let's address it here.

Putting aside the men wrestling naked, the attempt to force Pamela Anderson into the “engagement sack,” and the other wacky physical gags, most of the discussion has centered on the behavior, typically by Texans and other southerners, that revealed a kind of bigotry that we might have thought outdated.

People who knew that they were on camera still went ahead and told “Borat” which caliber gun is the best to stop an oncoming Jew, agreed that women should be treated as property, and made other outrageous comments. Anyone who thinks these people were “tricked” or “trapped,” probably hasn’t seen the movie.

However, it is true that none of these participants were in the middle of bigoted behavior when Borat joined them.

So, the question is not, “are you a bigot?”, but rather, “are you willing to stand up against bigotry?”

The “suckers” who betrayed themselves on camera, were mostly following Borat’s lead. Yes, there are still some people who want to spread hate. But the Borat film reveals a much bigger problem—in social interactions, especially with strangers, a great many more people went along with these bigoted ideas, rather than opposing the bigotry and making waves.

Maybe I’m the only person who’s gone into the break room at work, the locker room at the gym, or just chatted with a stranger out in public, and had to make the choice whether to listen quietly and stay out of trouble, or open my mouth and say, “No, that’s not what it’s like at all, that’s not what ‘they’re’ like at all. I find that joke/idea/opinion insulting.”

If your income, your safety, or even just your popularity is at stake, many of us will look out for ourselves and keep silent, instead of stepping in and saying what our consciences are telling us to do.

2007-01-11T01:08:00.000-08:00

Our Iraq Strategy and Antidepressants

Listening to the President talk about Iraq last night, I was suddenly seized by the sensation of déjà vu.

"Losing in Iraq would be a disaster for America. We’ve been sending over troops and bombs and planes. It isn’t working… let’s send more!!!"

Where have I heard that??? It’s so hauntingly familiar… I know—that’s what psychiatrists say!!!

If you, or someone you know has ever suffered from depression, of course it’s no joke—it can be physically exhausting and debilitating, ruin your immune system and make life so painful—but what is comical about it is, the way antidepressants are diagnosed.

Your doctor prescribes Zoloft or Wellbutrin or Prozac. Two weeks or a month go by, and your symptoms are the same. Maybe even worse. Here’s what your doctor tells you: one, you’re hardly taking enough for it to be a therapeutic dose, two, if it is a therapeutic dose, this isn’t long enough for it to take effect, and three, the side effects will probably go away. So….? Let’s prescribe MORE!!!

And so it continues, in this bizarre trial and error way, until, God willing, you’re lucky enough to find something that is consistently helpful, and you no longer have muscle aches, exhaustion and pain, just from walking from your bedroom to the kitchen in the morning.

The key difference here is, with proper therapy and treatment, nobody dies from trying an anti-depressant that doesn’t work. It just requires tremendous patience.
In Iraq, raising the dosage, the troop levels, while it might give Mr. Bush a temporary lift, shows little promise of relieving the problem. This is more like offering a drowning man a bucket of water.

2007-01-11T00:27:00.000-08:00

It's a disaster! Let's keep it up! --Huh?

If you’re keeping score at home, and the Constitution says we’re supposed to, we were just treated with a nifty piece of rhetorical ju-jitsu by President Bush.

Every argument against starting a war in Iraq is now being used as an argument for adding troops. Opponents originally said, “Evil as he is, Saddam Hussein is keeping factions from fighting each other, and counterbalancing Iran. Once you remove Saddam, the country will be ungovernable. There’ll be competing factions, including radical Islamists.”

Tonight, Bush said, “The consequences of failure are clear: Radical Islamic extremists would grow in strength and gain new recruits. They would be in a better position to topple moderate governments, create chaos in the region and use oil revenues to fund their ambitions. Iran would be emboldened in its pursuit of nuclear weapons.”

Another statement confused me. The President said that “my national security team, military commanders and diplomats conducted a comprehensive review.” Didn’t the President just relieve from command those military leaders who disagree with this new strategy?

Then he said, “We benefited from the thoughtful recommendations of the Iraq Study Group — a bipartisan panel led by former Secretary of State James Baker and former Congressman Lee Hamilton.” Hard to understand exactly how they benefited, other than disregarding their recommendations.

The one theory that did make sense in the President’s speech tonight was his explanation that soldiers will clear an area of terrorists, but once the soldiers leave that area, the terrorists return. America’s military leaders have been complaining about this for a while, although it’s hard to imagine that 20,000 troops is some sort of magic number that will dramatically improve the situation.
Democracy wouldn’t be worth the bother if we didn’t accept the idea that someone else’s idea might work better than our own. With all the loss of life and limb in Iraq, in a war we’re paying for, I find myself, once again, praying that there’s a greater wisdom at work here than is manifest to me.

2007-01-05T22:47:00.000-08:00

Office Siberia

There are many subtle ways to find out how you're going over with your boss.

Say, for instance, you work for the White House, you're a weapons inspector, and you conclude that there aren't any Weapons of Mass Destruction in some country where other folks in the building say there are Weapons of Mass Destruction.

How will your boss's displeasure be communicated? Will you be excluded from the monthly birthday party for everyone born that month? Not receive memos? Forced to park in Bethesda?

All possibilities. But tonight, I saw PBS's excellent "Frontline" show, a rerun of one I'd missed, called "The Dark Side," about Vice President Cheney's power struggle with CIA Director George Tenet, over control of intelligence, and specifically over information or disinformation surrounding the war in Iraq.

The "employee" we're talking about, in the picture, is weapons inspector David Kay. He testified that they couldn't find any weapons of mass destruction, and told the world that he couldn't prove there'd ever been any.

Kay said he got the hint that he wasn't welcome back at the White House when he came back to work and discovered he'd been assigned to an office in the basement, without a phone, surrounded by storage crates.

That's right, just because he gave the most accurate information he could, the folks running the White House decided to change him into Milton from "Office Space" .

2007-01-02T02:07:00.000-08:00

"Hi There!!! The Fun Ends...on YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!"

I've always felt that my birthday was a bummer. Nobody wants to party on January 2nd. Even I am glad to get back to a routine after the holidays. Many years, I've celebrated on other days.

Of course, every year, advertisers, starting in September, begin their Christmas campaigns, reminding you, "the fun ends January 2nd," or "you better get in now, because it's all over January 2nd."

I wasn't all that excited about another birthday this year, but now, the "Charlie Brown" nature of the date has been bumped up a notch: President Bush has declared January 2nd a national day of mourning, to remember President Ford.

It's certainly appropriate to declare such a day, out of respect to Mr. Ford and his family. But President Ford died on December 27th. That's a week ago.

Certainly, I'll be thinking of Mr. Ford today, and wishing his family well. Betty Ford, particularly, is one of the great and courageous women of our lifetime.

But I can't help thinking they picked the date by saying, "Gee, it's the holiday season. Let's scan the calendar for a nothing day when everybody...there you go...January 2nd."

So, for me, prayers for the Fords. But then, cake.

2007-01-02T01:53:00.000-08:00

Rest in Peace, Mr. President

In 1980, I was broadcasting in Hartford, CT. Our radio station was going live from the Sammy Davis Jr. Greater Hartford Open. It was a hot and muggy day in the suburb of Wethersfield. And because it was, I interviewed the 37th President of the United States, Gerald R. Ford, in WTIC’s air conditioned motor home studio.

As I remember it, there was more than air-conditioning. One of our account executives had been a Michigan alumnus, so Ford agreed to stop in, on his way to playing in the “Pro-Am” event.

It happened quite suddenly, and I quickly realized that I would have to simply blank out my stand-comedy act from my head. I worked on stage a lot, and did impressions of whoever was in office.

The other thing I thought about was, be patient. We’d all seen President Ford on TV many times, and you always got the sense that he simply wanted to say whatever the necessary words were, at whatever pace they entered his mind, and that, above all, throughout this torturous process, no matter how lost he was, he was going to be a good sport about the whole thing.

And while some people today call it media bias, the truth was, he did fall down a lot, boarding airplanes, or climbing other flights of steps.

Then the ex-President came toward our studio, and I got the shock of my life. First of all, this fellow, whoever he was, was moving at a good clip, and at the same time, removing his golf gloves, and climbing into our mobile home, while insisting, “Just for a minute, okay? Just for a minute.” The slowpoke I’d seen on the tube was nowhere in sight.

This was right at the time that people were speculating about a Reagan-Ford ticket, and after a few niceties, I asked Ford about it. There’s a tape in an attic somewhere that has the answer, but I do remember that whatever he said moved that front page story another eighth of an inch forward, and I was delighted.

He was pretty quick to respond to questions, stayed longer than expected, and then got out of there to hit the links. The Gerald Ford I met was confident, responsive, positively charming, and entirely unidentifiable as the robotic dweeb I’d seen pushing those WIN (“Whip Inflation Now”) buttons on TV.

It's a good thing Chevy Chase didn't hang out with Mr. Ford before playing him on SNL. There's no way he could have done the bumbling buffoon routine, if he'd seen the man I saw that day.

2006-12-09T20:32:00.000-08:00

Hide the Old Guy

I just can’t believe it, but I saw it with my own eyes. There, on my television set, at New York’s Downtown Athletic Club, was the moment they’d been waiting for—time to award the 2006 Heisman Trophy to the best college football player of the year. I hadn’t watched much, because it’s generally a boring show, except for the end when the classic trophy is awarded. The three “finalists,” Darren McFadden, the Arkansas running back, Brady Quinn of Notre Dame, and Troy Smith of Ohio State, were sitting there, in their form-fitting suits, waiting for the word.

Then ESPN’s host for the event, Chris Fowler, said, “and now, to present the award,--“ and he mentioned the name of the trustee from the Club, who was there to announce the winner. The gentleman was, I’d say, in his seventies, and confined to a wheelchair. He wore glasses, and, let’s say he’s a man who isn’t the snappiest dresser.

This man began talking about all the people who’d put the evening together and the great candidates. And then, after about 5-10 seconds,…he disappeared. For the rest of the entire speech, which went on for a while, ESPN’s cameras showed everything except the man talking. They panned the audience, they showed longshot after longshot of the stage, they panned the candidates, then cut back to the wide shot of the entire room, but even at the end, when he announced the name of the winner, the camera never returned to this man.

I know that sports is a youth culture, and that television is hellbent on getting the young male viewers. But have we really reached a point where the guy presenting the Heisman Trophy can’t be shown if the show’s producers don’t think he’s pretty enough to look at?

The irony is, ESPN is more than ready to declare itself as the chronicler of sports history. All those honey glazed, or “sepia-toned” biographies of past sports legends seemed to suggest that the network cared about the heritage and traditions of sport, as well as its youth culture. Maybe they’d have left this guy on if he’d had better lighting.

In the meantime, I simply hope I’m mistaken. I hope there’s some reasonable explanation for cutting away from this speaker, the way they take that wide shot at the Oscars, when he was performing the only real function of the evening.

2006-11-08T20:52:00.001-08:00

President "Congratifies" Pelosi; Rumsfeld Packs for Elba; Neo-Cons Build Mattress Fort

After Democratic gains in both the House and Senate, President Bush struck a conciliatory tone at a White House news conference.

The President agreed to bow to the will of the people. “You have to understand,” Mr. Bush said, “the enemies of freedom have triumphed. Sometimes that’s gonna happen.”

President Bush went on to announce that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld would be leaving office, “one minute and thirty seconds after I finish this sentence,” adding, “but that doesn’t mean a change of policy in Iraq. We’re not saying ‘stay the course.’ We’re not saying, ‘cut and run.’ We’ll meet, I’ll have options that I can decide from, and then we’ll continue promoting democracy in the region, indefinitely, or until we leave. Whichever comes first.”

A Washington Times reporter asked how the President took the news of this election. “Hey, there are gonna be some days that make the terrorists happy. It’s like married gays raising taxes during abortions. You don’t want it to happen. Your job is to make sure it doesn’t happen—which I did. And it never will. But when it does happen, you take your hat off, kick the mud off your boots, and congratify—which I did, I called Mrs. Pelosi, and Eddie Haskell—that’s what I call Clair McCaskill, out in Saint Louis and the greater Missouri tri-state area, and I congratified them. I appreciate what it is to win the voters.

“So—am I sad to see Rick Factotum get thrown out of Pennsylvania. Of course. He’s a patriot—like Sec’tary Rumsfeld. Do you want more good things to happen than things that are bad? Well, that’s just common sense.

“People claim that Congress is gonna start interfering with the policies of the United States government, start poking around in some classified areas, like oil. They’re gonna hear some hearings, because ‘sunshine is the best disinfectant.’ Well, it’s a free country to say that, but Lysol kills over 99% of germs on contact. So again, you’re all disinfected. But then you have a government that smells like bowling shoes.”

2006-11-08T20:52:00.000-08:00

2006-11-08T20:51:00.000-08:00

Lieberman to Join Cast of “Heroes”

Newly re-elected Connecticut Senator Joseph I. Lieberman has signed a six-episode deal to appear on NBC’s new series “Heroes.” “I think it’s important to emphasize,” Lieberman noted, “the producers came to me.”

Specifically, “Heroes” creator Tim Kring called the soon-to-be-four term senator, after Lieberman’s victory speech on Tuesday night in Hartford.

On that night, Lieberman noted, “I have now won re-election to the United States Senate as an independent candidate. I thank the great people of Connecticut for your support.

“Now that we have these results—you can see my superhuman powers revealed in the open. I am beyond any party or political idea. I am this planet, loving all the creatures in it, and drawing my massive strength from all living beings. Beneath my whiny, exhausted exterior, throbs the spirit and body of sleek leopard.

“I can hide my magnificence no longer. And now, I can confide in you, the adorable little citizens of this Nutmeg State, why I undertook my secret mission: I had to destroy the Connecticut Democratic Party in order to save it.

“In return for this I ask nothing. It is thanks enough to know that you’ll send me back for a fourth term in the U.S. Senate, where I shall reign as chairman of any and all committees I choose. For now, return to your towns and hamlets; enjoy the blessings of our victory, and know that I, Senator Joseph I. Lieberman, the only name you shall know me by, am ever standing, watching the sky, monitoring the great bodies of water, and doing your bidding in Washington.”

2006-11-08T20:50:00.000-08:00

Friends of Chris Matthews

Here are some excerpted comments from “Hardball” host Chris Matthews, who co-anchored MSNBC’s election night coverage:

“It’s just a sad night to see so many wonderful people lose their jobs this year. I mean, a lot of these Republicans are terrific people.”

“I mean, come on—Ann Northrup of Kentucky, a really classy lady. A shame she got swept up in this anti-Bush vote. She’s been on “Hardball” many times, always friendly, always sweet, always nice. Very snappy dresser.”

“Don Sherwood from Pennsylvania. Hey Don, sorry you lost tonight, but you still owe me 60 bucks for that four-flush. Our Dads used to go fishing together.”

“Conrad Burns of Montana. My gosh, when I was knee high to a tadpole, Senator Burns gave me my first Sears catalog. “

“Jim Leach with his great sweater vests. He’s a real regular guy. If you ever want to know the best place to get cheap gas in Iowa, Jim Leach always knows.”

“Rick Santorum. People think of him as a bit conservative, but let me tell you, I was on a think tank camping retreat, and I had a thorn in my foot, and not only did he remove it and disinfect it, but he has never asked a favor in return. Hang in there Ricky.”
“Clay Shaw in Florida. My goodness, when I first met my wife, it was Clay Shaw who told me there are ‘plenty more fish in the sea.’ Ha ha ha. Take care of yourself, you old dog.”

2006-11-03T22:44:00.000-08:00

Kerry Aides Hide Comedy Club Flyers

Two of Senator John Kerry’s senior staffers, Kara Plummer and Jake Dennis, spent much of Friday in a shredding session, destroying flyers received from comedy clubs around the country.

Kerry’s botched joke from earlier in the week drew attacks from the Bush administration, and last minute cancellations of Kerry’s appearances with Democratic candidates nationwide.

According to staffers for other Democratic legislators, the Senator Kerry (D-MA) has begun referring to himself as “Punchline” Kerry. The aides didn't want the senator to see the flyers for open mike nights just yet, though he has been trying out new material in front of staffers:

Kerry: Stop me if you’ve heard this one. It seems these two traveling salesman were discussing supply side economics with a Keynesian farmer's daughter.

Staffer: Ha ha. That’s terrific sir. Very funny. Very topical.

Kerry: Here’s a wordplay on the joke I messed up—“you’d better agree with this administration’s policies, or you end up on the rack.” Y’get it?

Staffer: “On the rack,” instead of “in Iraq.”

Kerry: No, the whole point is…well, yes, that’s exactly right.

Staffer: You’re a funny funny man, sir.

Kerry: Thanks. Hi, I just got into town after meeting with top senate Democrats about ways to help the terrorists and raise your taxes.

Staffer: Oh, stop, you’re killing me, Senator.

Kerry: Well, let’s see what’s new in Baghdad, or, as I like to call it, “Georgetown.”

Staffer: No, really. Stop.

Kerry: Gee, when can I use all this killer material?

Staffer: How about that civil rights dinner you’re doing with McCaskill, and Schumer and Obama?

Kerry: Well…but that’s in January!

Staffer: Yes it is, sir. Yes it is.

2006-10-31T19:56:00.000-08:00

"We Live For This Stuff" --Democrats

Jimmy is a pilot. When he was a little boy, he dreamed of flying. He built model airplanes, he went to air shows, and he knows the workings of every single part of an aircraft,

Linda is a veterinarian. She always loved animals. What began as looking after the family dog became a lifelong study of different species, and as a result, she has a thriving practice.

Mike is a Neo-Conservative. Ever since he was little, he dreamed of having piles of money.

For the past six years, whenever Democrats have run for office, they've ignored their strongest argument:

We’re obsessed with how government works.

Democrats grow up dreaming of running departments, cities, states, or even the country—addressing our needs, solving our problems, anticipating how to use government in a positive way.

They have posters, not just of FDR and Martin Luther King, but of Donna Shalala and Leon Panetta.

But Democrats never mention this, tacitly accepting the Neo-con premise: “Government is a negative force, so at least, hire people who hate it to run it.”

This instantly gives the Neo-conservatives the home field advantage. They put the Dems on the defensive: “Prove you won’t give in to terrorists.” “Prove you won’t raise our taxes.”

Democrats need to adopt that saying: “We live for this stuff.”

As in, we love tracking GNP and every other damned statistic in the known universe, fact finding missions that disturb the complacent, finding programs that dissuade youngsters from crime, finding was to seduce hostile foreign governments into backing down, or standing pat; acting as lifeguards or class monitors in some parts of American life.

Make the argument that most of our current problems happened on Bush’s watch, and without the government geeks running things.

The war in Iraq, 9/11 itself, the deficits, the crumbling of our infrastructure, the collapse of our emergency response capabilities, the harshness of our media, the corporate calamities that have decimated pension funds, skyrocketing health care costs—none of these events resulted from too much oversight.

Most of these crises are, at least in part, a result of ideologues ignoring the much maligned bureaucrats—the ones who said,
“the motives, and the numbers don’t add up in Iraq,”
“this flight school, combined with this message we intercepted from bin Laden looks urgently dangerous,”
“FEMA requires professional emergency personnel,”
“the FCC should play a hand in keeping our broadcasting civil and variegated,”
“greed helps drive our economy but you’ve gotta keep an eye on those big companies,”
“it’s ridiculous to give no-bid contracts to pharmaceutical companies,”
and so on.

The anti-government folks have been saying, like me watching “Dancing With the Stars,” “Oh come on! That’s not that hard. I could do that.”

When a Neo-con runs for office, the goal is to win. Once you win, the job is a pain in the neck—that’s why they leave town as soon as they can, for as long as they can. When a Democrat runs for office, the goal is to do the job.

That’s why they campaign differently. A neo-con is free to say, “My opponent is the head of the Osama-Soprano crime family. If you vote for my opponent, fire will rain down from the sky, and your children will explode.” Whatever sounds the scariest.

A Democrat doesn’t have that luxury, because she wants to do the job. That means, once she’s elected, she expects to represent everyone, including the people who voted for her opponent; if she loses, she wants her opponent to represent everyone, including the people who voted for her.

That’s not a concern to the Neo-con. If he wins, the important part is over; the job is torture, because now he has to be part of that awful thing called government. If he loses, he’s off to do something else—he’ll revert to thinking of the government as a big waste of resources.

Now the final point—Democrats say, “Yeah, right, but polls say people hate their government.” Of course they do. It’s inefficient; it’s improvised; it can’t sell off unsuccessful states, the way a corporation would do; it’s slow; and it’s clogged with paperwork filled with doubletalk.

THAT DOESN’T MATTER. People don’t like trash, but they bag it and barrel it, and hire the folks with the trucks and the uniforms and the gloves and hats to take care of it.

Democrats, here’s your argument: Let the people who live for this stuff do this stuff.

I don’t like air travel, but when I fly, I want Jimmy, who lives to fly, for my pilot, not George, who won Open Mike Night at “Giggles” with a bit about in-flight movies.

2006-09-26T18:41:00.000-07:00

A Really Really, Urgently Urgent Need

Dear Benevolent Friend,

These are the worst days in the history of time. As you know, for years, we’ve devoted ourselves to fighting the pain, suffering, lack of culture, destruction of our natural resources, stupid and/or evil politicians, darkness, shortness, and locusts that endanger our world, and make honorable people have nightmares.

But now, we’re crossing the threshhold.

From the time beginning when you opened this letter and ending in the next ninety days or so, we enter our darkest hour. A time when everyone will die. They will die without music, with no trees, in the dark. Just shriveled up, illiterate beings, writhing in agony, an agony you could have done something about.

And they will be the lucky ones.

We at the Society thank you for your previous generosity. Last week’s contribution of five hundred dollars was thoughtful, is portable, easy to use, and goes with everything.

And yet, in this time of critically dire emergency, can’t you find a place in your heart to help keep a tiny candle of hope flickering in the face of relentless disaster?

We’re a very efficient organization. Charity Auditor Monthly calls us “nerve-wrackingly thrifty.” Our few employees work 18 hour days, living on surplus wood chips and FlavorAde. Our refuse is sold to organic farms, helping to feed America, and in a larger sense, the world.

Former Presidents Bill Clinton, George H. W. Bush, General Colin Powell, Oprah Winfrey, Nelson Mandela, Toby Keith, Jennifer Aniston, Lance Armstrong, both England Dan and John Ford Coley, Harcourt Fenton Mudd, Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario, two of the California Raisins, Nicole Ritchie, Derek Jeter, Marshall Faulk, Johnny Petraglia, Dale Earnhardt Jr, S. Epatha Merkerson, C.K. Dexter-Haven, and the Incredible Hulk all support our good work. Won’t you join them in our time of greatest need?

Please contribute at any level. Even ten dollars can make a difference.

Those who contribute one hundred fifty (150) (CL) dollars or more to our Urgent Crisis Fund will qualify for our Making a Difference Cyberwalk of Glory. A five hundred (500) (D) dollar contribution, in addition to the lives, trees, symphonies, terns, and unbombed countries it will save, will qualify you for the Inner Circle Dinner, to be held simultaneously and exclusively at Hippodromes around the country, with people like the above-mentioned celebrities in attendance.

The time is short. The need is unprecedented. The light grows dim.

Please give now. This may be our last message, as supply lines grow longer and longer during this siege, and our childhoods begin to pass before our eyes. Idyllic childhoods savored on our beautiful Earth, filled with colors, joy and love—a fading memory. We remember sweet, sweet candy…

2006-08-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

Enough with the Hitler

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld shouldn’t take all the blame for this; he’s just the most recent person to use this annoying analogy. He told an American Legion audience that today’s anti- Iraq war people are like the crowd that appeased Hitler in World War II.

Liberals have compared the Bush civil liberties agenda to Hitler’s.

The administration keeps comparing enemies to him. Saddam Hussein? Hitler. Kim Jong Il? Hitler. That psychotic in Iran? Also Hitler. Opponents of the Iraq war? Like the people who appeased Hitler. Democrats? Like those guys who made shoes for Hitler. Nicole Ritchie? Like a skinny Hitler.

I suspect we do it for two reasons: first, it’s a quick way to draw attention to a problem; second, we want to believe our times to be as pivotally historic as the era of the Greatest Generation, who defeated the modern-day fascists of World War II.

Enough already. Every event isn’t WWII and every bastard in history isn’t Hitler.
Here’s how I feel: saying “Hitler” to make your case is like adding a dirty word to make a joke funny. It’s artificial, and only adds shock value.

2006-08-29T22:15:00.000-07:00

“Where is line for coffee, please?”

That’s a line from “Moscow on the Hudson,” in which Robin Williams plays a Russian who defects to the USA, and discovers, in America, you don’t stand in some line waiting until it’s your turn for the one available state coffee. Or, as Yakov Smirnoff might put it, “In America, coffee waits for you!” In the movie, Williams’ character ends up fainting once he sees the overwhelming assortment of coffees available to him.

I was thinking of that movie tonight, during my third hour of waiting for my prescription to be filled at my pharmacy. I had phoned in four days earlier to request a refill; a couple days later, yesterday, I had dropped by, only to wait about 2 hours to be told they were out of the medication but would have more today.

Then, I called the refill service, and was told the prescription was ready. So by the forty-five minute mark tonight, after watching the staff search for my “ready” prescription, along with those for another 7 waiting customers, I was ready to leave. I asked them to give me a call when they had something for me to pick up.

This is America, so my first thought was, competition—let’s try another pharmacy! Then, I realize, without wanting to, I already have tried most of them. I moved to my current pharmacy a few years ago, when the service at the local Rite Aid deteriorated to open shouting matches and security dragging away customers.

I moved to a Savon, which was better, and was also closer, so in a pinch I could easily go home and come back. My Savon had originally been a Thrifty Drug. Those don’t exist anymore. Neither do Savons, now in our region; they’ve been taken over by CVS, which is where my recent Wagnerian prescription adventures have been unfolding. I’ve been to Walgreen’s and waited up to an hour to buy film. It seems unlikely they’d be a faster alternative.

Two questions came to mind—what about our parents—yours and mine? What if I was in a condition where this wait comprised most of my waking day? And the other question—please, tell me the psychotics get better service.

To comfort myself, I went to a supermarket. For some reason, the gleaming aisles of food reassure me. There was no line for coffee, but there was a 15-20-minute wait for checkout. It’s up to you if you want to pay a dollar an ounce for summer raspberries—but how long should you have to wait for the privilege?

I’m not some guy advocating the “good old days.” In the “good old days,” folks would die at 55 of “natural causes.”

Make no mistake—the Soviet Union was a disaster by every measure—morally, financially, ethically—from the ethnic and political genocides of Stalin, through Chernobyl, through their “state-run media,” they managed to create the worst of both worlds—they removed the incentive that capitalism provides, and treated the working class to generations of misery at the same time.

Which makes me worry whenever our way of life starts to resemble theirs.

Whew. I got through this without even referring to FOX as “Pravda.”

2006-08-27T20:03:00.000-07:00

Newsmakers: Pluto

The other day, TWAMSIAM, (This Will All Make Sense in a Minute), had a chance to sit down with the former planet, now reclassified “dwarf planet,” Pluto.
We met at Marix Playa, a trendy Santa Monica eatery, just a short drive from his beach retreat in Malibu.

Despite his recent troubles, the Orb was all smiles.

“Heyyyy…there you are!!! Listen, you gotta try the Amarillo scramble—eggs, smoked cranberry turkey sausage, fusilli pasta tomatoes, basil and a little cilantro.”

Dapper in his ascot, smoking jacket, protective gel wrap, and classic Wayfarers, P ordered for the table.

“Gee, another writer. I wonder what you want to talk about.”

“Has it been crazy?”

“I will say this—you guys are so focused on Mars and Martians and Mars candy bars, it’s always a shock when I hear from Earth. But now the attention is overwhelming.”

“And how has that been for you? You’re not considered a very—“

“Yeah, I have a reputation for being cold.”

“And with the media hounding you..?”

“I finally caved. For years Neptune has been telling me to hire a publicist. So PMK handles most of it now.”

“Have you seen the coverage?”

“People are gonna write what they’re gonna write. Entertainment Weekly says I’m cavorting with “X-71v3k,” which isn’t even an asteroid. X-71v3k couldn’t climb its way out of one of my craters, but supposedly we’re a couple. Right. Meanwhile, US Weekly says I’m too small because I’m anorexic."

“But, in fact, you have been removed from the list of planets in our solar system.”

“And why? Because of my physical size? Ridiculous! How about other criteria? I know—why not pick the planets with the largest orbits, huh? See how Mercury likes that one!
“Look—this isn’t the kind of thing you debate. You spend a few million years going around with eight other planets, you build a relationship. Sure, I’ve always been a loner. But in my secret heart, it felt good to be in a family.

“We were a great solar system. I know I didn’t make every meeting, and I’d go off in my own direction—a middle school teacher in Dayton, OH, a Mr. Gritzinger, talks about “Pluto’s wacky orbit.” That’s fine. The kids love me. But you have to understand—that Yellow Fireball is so far away, sends me very little light or warmth, and still controls every move I make.”

“So, you have issues.”

“It’s hard. Especially since the weigh-in was unfair. Five, ten orbits ago, I was much bigger. But you know how it is—you miss a few meals, you take off your overcoat, play some ball, go for a shvitz, and all of a sudden, they’re measuring you when you’re down a few tons. And they’re measuring you all the time. No advance warning. Geez-- I’m not a cyclist, y’know.”

“Okay, Plu, so what do you do now?”

“Relax, pal. I’m gonna do what I do. You think because some peanut-sized guys on some fat sloshy planet—no offense—change your rank, you think that changes anything? I’m Pluto, man. I’ll do my thing—rotate, orbit, or I’ll just chill. And you know what? Those astronomers are still gonna want me; they’re still taking my picture every chance they get. I don’t need a little dog in my lap or a music video to make that happen. People still love the Pluto.”

2006-08-22T23:33:00.000-07:00

Does This Mean Mike Cuellar Wore Lingerie?

The guest on tonight’s Angels Pregame show on 710, KSPN (ESPN Radio for Southern California), was longtime Angel and Oriole infielder Bobby Grich. I may have missed a word or two; I was driving. But Grich told a great story about his minor league days in Rochester, New York, with the Rochester Redwings, Baltimore’s AAA team.

He said that one day, after the team had played 21 games in 21 days, they were desperate for a break from the bus trips and the wear and tear, so they snuck into Richmond’s ballpark, where they were scheduled to play that night, and got the sprinklers to soak the field, turning it into a swamp.

The game that night was cancelled.

Sound familiar? It should. That exact scenario is featured in the 1988 hit movie “Bull Durham,” starring Kevin Costner, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.

By the way, on that Rochester Redwings team, Grich played shortstop. His double play partner, the second baseman…was Ron Shelton—the writer and director of “Bull Durham.”

Only now you know… the rest of the story.

Grich said this is the first time he’s publicly mentioned that his teammates pulled the prank—Richmond officials never tracked them down.