McCain Campaign Solves Finance Problem

(Portsmouth NH) Presidential hopeful Senator John McCain (R-AZ) told a crowd of 500 in downtown Portsmouth today, “America’s future is secure because Americans are willing to pay the price to make it secure. My friends, we’ve always told each other the truth. And the truth is, right now, I could go for a frosty mug of Hires Root Beer.”

It’s the first of a series of product placements designed to bolster McCain’s close-to-bankrupt Presidential campaign, according to finance director Jill Bostwick. “People know that Senator McCain believes in core American values, like democracy and free enterprise. This is a way for us to demonstrate that, unlike some wily politicians, the Senator will, through the private sector, earn back the funds to conduct this historic campaign.”

Ironically, McCain, who has sponsored campaign finance reform over the years, now relies on these commercial underwriters to keep his own campaign afloat.

Sources say, Bostwick hopes to lock up deals with an insulation company, a detergent, a breakfast cereal, and an official beer, within the month. A greater challenge is an official car company. Industry leaders Toyota and Honda were ruled out, lest the public think the Japanese have Mr. McCain in their pocket. GM and Ford were also non-starters, for fear that the Arizona senator’s name be associated with a loser.

For now, the product placement plan is bringing in cash, and just hitting its stride. Later this week, at a stop in Des Moines, IA, McCain is scheduled to say, “I’ll shake everyone’s hands today…and you can rest easy, knowing I use Purell Brand Hand Sanitizer.”