Jackson joins with Planters to Rein in Obama

The Reverend Jesse Jackson has joined Kraft Foods subsidiary Planters Nuts to restrict the consumption habits of Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama.

Jackson says, a candidate’s eating habits must be closely monitored during a long campaign. “Voters prefer a trim and fit physique. With the fat content in cashews, peanuts, almonds, and other nut and legume products, the often sedentary lifestyle of politicians makes them vulnerable to massive weight gain.”

Planters Vice President for Operations Tracy Handsler told reporters:

“We thank the Reverend Jackson for bringing our attention to this issue. As of today, Senator Obama will not be eligible to consume a filbert, a pecan, or a walnut, or for that matter any kind of nut.
“We’re in the awkward position of a neighborhood bartender who wants to make the customer happy, but at some point has to say, ‘sorry pal, we’re cutting your nuts off.’”

Conservation Tips

Air condition your house after 11 pm, when a cooler outdoor temperature means fewer BTU’s required, and less strain on the power grid.

For festive holiday arrangements, use the natural plants in your area. You’ll save time and money, and you’ll save water. For example, in the southwestern United States, honor your Valentine with a lovely Barrel or Hedgehog Cactus.

Lighten your car’s load. Save up to ten miles a gallon by removing passengers from your station wagon.

Also for motorists: for summertime security, don’t seal up your car and overheat the interior. Instead, leave the windows wide open, placing a piece of used cheese on the passenger seat.

Raising cattle consumes massive amounts of energy, water, and vegetation lower on the food chain. In stead of that steak, next time, find a delicious vinagrette marinade, and, over medium heat, grill up a batch of junk mail.

Fun energy fact: Between October 17th and November 1st of 1894, the emissions from a Congressional debate fueled a steam locomotive’s entire cross country journey. The train arrived in San Francisco, just as the hot air was running out.

Gangsters Only: The bodies of your enemies make excellent compost.

Bleary-eyed from staring at your monitor? Unplug your computer every seven minutes, and do some healthy stretching exercises.

Did you know? A Hummer H2 only burns 34 ounces of gasoline an hour when the engine is off.
The entire electricity supply of Woodland Hills, California, comes from a retrofitted liposuction residue-burning energy plant.

Universal Theme Park Reveals Flaming Ape Attraction

Spurred on by the free publicity and sellout crowds that followed the destruction of its landmark King Kong, Universal Studios says the Kong attraction will be replaced “Kong, the Flaming Giant Monkey!” in which the King of the Apes will constantly catch fire.

Stacy Colangelo, vice president for public relations, told reporters, it’s the next logical addition to the fun at Universal. “People come to Universal for the thrill of safely experiencing tragedies-- Earthquakes, floods, twisters, and avalanches. Every day, thousands of visitors suffer through the devastation of fire on our ‘Backdraft’ ride; think of this as ‘Backdraft 2: Smells Like Monkey.’ It’s fun, because it’s dangerous.”

NBA’s Internal Memos Reveal Film Anxiety

In a surprising move, NBA Commissioner David J. Stern today released selected portions of the league office’s internal correspondence, in response to a request from lawyers for disgraced NBA referee Tim Donaghy.

The emails and memos disclose no new evidence about alleged “game-fixing,” but did reveal that league officials spent many hours in committee meetings trying to decide which upcoming movie the NBA Finals most resemble.

One sample memo reads: Clearly, Boston v Cleveland = ‘Indiana Jones and the Whatever it is This Time,’ but Lakers-San Antonio might be more like ‘Sex in the City,’ or ‘Das Boot.’

It was, in fact, 3 pm EDT on June 5, 2008, just hours before game one, when the league reached its finding the the Finals would most resemble “Hancock.”

Fan’s Final Decision: Lakers

Marc Sundstrum, a 23-year-old shift manager at Lucky’s in Harborville, Illinois, has finally chosen to root for the Los Angeles Lakers, in the NBA finals, against the Boston Celtics.

“In the first coupla games, I was thinking Celtics,” Sundstrum acknowledged. “When they introduced the Lakers, there was no music behind them at all, so I didn’t know how to feel about them. Meanwhile, when Boston came out, the arena got dark, and then there was stirring, rhythmic music that made me proud of America, and excited about the action yet to come.”

When the action shifted to Los Angeles, Sundstrum, says, “All of a sudden, the Celtics looked very humdrum, kinda ordinary, without the lights and music. But once they were introduced, the Staples Center went dark, and, along with the smoke and the lights, there was stirring rhythmic music that made me proud of America, and excited about the action yet to come.”

The series returns to Boston Tuesday night.

Iron Man

(126 minutes, color)

Robert Downey, Jr. (Robert Downey, Jr.) goes through rehab in the desert, including healing with magnets, then a couple more times in Malibu (Malibu, California), each time a little sweatier and a little more life-threatening.

Finally, he gets that massive drug monkey (Jeff Bridges) off his back, and finds a woman who loves him and sees right through his nonsense (Gwyneth Paltrow). And he rebuilds himself so he can never be hurt again.
Cocaine: Jon Favreau.

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