Sunday, December 14, 2008

2oo8's Top News Headlines:

Perry Ellis in Partnership with Apple for Latest iPod Accessory—Sleek New Designer Blindfold

Clinton Campaign Reveals: “Ducking From ‘Copter” Actually Memory from Opening Credits to “M*A*S*H”

Obama Campaign: Clinton’s Jesse Jackson Reference Racist

Hillary Cries, Wins New Hampshire

Huckabee—All Brothers in Christ Created Equal

John Edwards Introduces “Big John”, Drops out of Race.

Study: Obesity Caused by Excess Fat

Bush Breaks Record--- 357th Weekly Radio Address Featuring Phrase, “Everything’s Fine.”

Gas Breaks 5-dollar Mark; GM rolls Out ’09 Sherman Tank-- One Highway, Point-Five City.

People’s Republic of China Signs Michael Phelps for Two-Week “Swimtastics” to Introduce New, “Fast-Watered” Cube; 120,000 Extras, Gymnasts, NBC Also Slated to Appear

Mitt Romney Pledges to Bring Home the Bacon; Fry it up in a Pan

Giuliani Bites Rotweiller, Gains 5 Points

NY Governor Eliot Spitzer Introduces “Big Eliot”, Will Accept Clerical Post in Greenland.

Minnesota Vows to Fill Senate Seat In time for 2012 Duluth Olympics

O.J. Simpson Rescues Innocent Memorabilia in Heroic, Entebbe-Like Hotel Raid

GQ Cover: How to Turn Yourself a Tall, Thin, Snappily-Dressed African-American in Front of a Blue Background

3.9 Million Attend Obama’s Denver’s Acceptance Speech; McCain Has Big Lunch at Diner

NBC Adds New Crime Drama to Fall Schedule: “Law & Order: Law and Order”

Dodgers Acquire Manny Ramirez; Thousands Violate City Ordinance, Attend Dodger Games

McCain Pick, Alaska Cheerleader:“So Gosh-Darned Excited” to Run with Maverick McCain, against Terrorist Obama

Yahoo Rejects Takeover Bids from Google, Microsoft, Pepsico, Cokesico, Mormons, Pinkberry

Press Release: “Linens n’ Things” to Downsize; Will Focus on Things

Archaelogy’s Latest Find—Baseball Team in Tampa, Florida

Among Newly-Released Nixon Papers: Agnew Designed Uniforms for Cabinet Members, Staff; Bermuda Shorts for Summer

Dream Realized: Corleone Family Completely Legitimate

Bush Justice Department Selects US Attorneys Based on Smell

Mr. Potter Demands Billion-Dollar Bailout from Citizens of Bedford Falls

Box Office: “Deranged Teen Killer” Falls to 3rd, behind “Really Deranged Teen Killer,” “Mamma Mia”

Wife Helps Kucinich Win Fantasy Primary, 9 Virtual Delegates

5 Remaining Newspapers Sweep Journalism Awards

China Pioneers Lead Paint Chip Baby Food

Dictators Hall of Fame Waives 5-Year Waiting Period; Inducts Castro

Obama Wins Historic Victory, Watches CNBC; Tomorrow First Fitting for Superhero Cape

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Enemies List Statute to Expire: Clooney, Baldwin, 141-Thousand Others, to be Reinstated as U.S. Citizens

(Washington, D.C.) – Over one hundred thousand Americans, designated as “B status citizens” by the Bush Administration, will be rehabilitated to full citizenship in official ceremonies slated for January 21, 2009.

Sources close to President-elect Barack Obama’s inner circle, say that actors George Clooney and Alec Baldwin, screenwriter Aaron Sorkin, recording artists Martie Maguire, Natalie Maines, and Emily Robison, know as "The Dixie Chicks," will all participate in a Citizenship Reinstatement Ceremony at Washington’s FedEx Field.

A “B status” citizenship restricts travel, requires monthly check-ins at “B-House,” in Landover, MD, and permits intelligence agencies to treat the individual as a “person of interest” in all investigations.

On the west coast, 4-Star General Eric Shinseki, retired General Wesley Clarke, Marijuana enthusiast Bill Maher, “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane, and Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy will headline a ceremony at AT&T Park in San Francisco.

Many ordinary Americans, in the doghouse because of their disagreement with White House policies, or even their fondness for French food, will once again be able to walk without ankle bracelets, assemble in public, or have guests stay overnight, as any “A status” American can.

How’d the soon-to-be reinstated react to the good news? Rapper Kanye West told a crowd in Kansas City, “Warm up your stove, darlin’. Daddy’s comin’ home.”

Comedian David Letterman told his audience, “Reason number three that I’m glad: Original stalkers more attractive than Government Issue stalkers."

Meanwhile, Journalist Dan Rather told reporters, “This is one cowboy who’ll celebrate this day of freedom by savoring the clear crisp taste of a Fresca.”

Shaking Stops in Poughkeepsie

(Poughkeepsie, NY) – The constant rumbling and shaking in this community on the banks of the Hudson River, have finally come to an end.

Mayor John Kimbrough says, the city can be proud of its steadfastness.

“For almost a decade now, we’ve tended to our mending. We survived without a scratch, business as usual. The folks who go to work at IBM, the workforce, professors and students at Vassar, have continued to function, and all-in-all, we haven’t wasted our time worrying about these slight tremors, because we wouldn’t let a little jiggling prevent a Fourth of July Celebration, our Hudson River Candlefest, or any other of our traditions.

“And next year, we celebrate Poughkeepsie’s 350th birthday. If this quiet continues, it will be safe to light that birthday cake!

Seismologists say the epicenter of the continuous low-intensity rumble has come from slightly north of the city, in the town of Hyde Park, NY, but they’ve been at a loss to determine the cause.

The only explanation we were able to track down came from lifelong resident and local character Arnie Parsaghian, who mentioned that President Franklin Delano Roosevelt was buried in Hyde Park, and since November 4th, he’d stopped spinning in his grave.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

McCain Clarifies Remarks About Obama

At a news conference today, Arizona Senator John McCain made this statement to reporters:

“Senator Obama is good and decent man. Of course, we still don’t know all the details about his relationships with terrorists. But the terrorist we’re referring to, William Ayres, is a washed-up old terrorist, and that doesn’t interfere with the fact that Barack Obama is a solid citizen who wants the best for our country.

“Of course, we’d know more about his connections with this terrorist if he’d make them clear. I know he’s addressed the issue, but not fully, and when you have a man who wants to lead the country, and has such a relationship, you can’t help but wonder what will happen when this man has our armed forces at our disposal, and then his old terrorist buddy calls up, and there’s that red button to press, but neither I nor anyone associated with this campaign except my running mate, believes there’s any chance that could happen.

“What if he is a Muslim? What if he’s a radical Muslim? Not all Muslims or even all radical followers of Islam want to destroy America. We believe in freedom of religion. So whether he’s a Christian, as he now claims to be, or whether he is in fact a man who prays to Allah five times a day and follows a cleric who is uncomfortable with the existence of the state of Israel, it is not our place to judge, my friends.

“Senator Obama is a good and kind man, with a beautiful family. That’s what’s important. That’s what we should judge him on. Not whether he happens to have friends who want to destroy America, or whether his family occasionally visits Mecca.”

Obama Tempted to Say Something Stupid

ABC News is reporting that Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama is tempted to say something stupid before Election Day.

In what he believed to be an off-the-record conversation with ABC’s Diane Sawyer, Obama confided, “When you run for President, every word you say is a potential controversy. So you are constantly watching what you say and how you say it. And that’s what I will continue to do.

“Look, no one said a presidential campaign would be an easy undertaking. But anyone with intelligence or creativity, which we’ve seen all across America, would eventually want to get away with a little mischief. And when you have a lead, that hankering becomes almost irresistable.

“So-- do I get the urge to say something outrageous, like ‘Sarah Palin can shoot moose but she can’t spell it?’—sure. Would I like to say, ‘My first act as President will be to send Dick Cheney out on a street corner with a cardboard sign, and see how he does out there?’ You bet. Or something like, ‘People of America, I promise never to be seen in public without my multi-colored ceremonial robe?’ No doubt.

“Sure, it’s only natural to want to have a little fun. But bear in mind, some people won’t realize that I’m kidding if I say, ‘All neo-cons should have to re-apply for U.S. Citizenship,’ or ‘Sometimes Uruguay really pisses me off.’

“My personal favorite, and the one I’d never say, is “Let me get this straight. Peter O’Toole is a movie star, Dick Armey is a congressional leader, and I’m the one with the funny name?’

The Obama campaign had no comment in response to our phone calls, but Senator John McCain called back personally to say, “I’m very disappointed in Senator Obama. And he’ll raise your taxes.”

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Obamafans: When Will Stubborn McCain Concede?

(Racine, WI) Trish Bassett is a software designer for iGot Technologies, which partners with Google, Yahoo, and Kraft Foods to create network synergies. But right now she spends nights and weekends working for Barack Obama’s presidential campaign.

While she’s glad to see her candidate out in front, she slumps in her chair during a coffee break.

“I can’t believe we have to go through this all over again. What is it with politicians?”

The “this” that Obama’s supporters are “going through,” is once again enduring the long wait for a hopeless adversary to “wise up” and drop out of the race.

“I mean, with Hillary, we almost understood, because we knew she was the queen bitch from Hell. I say affirmations every night that within myself and within the world, may there be peace, but if I saw Hillary walking down the street, I know I’d tear her a new one. At least one. She had some nerve even running for the job.”

Sliding her hands back into the sleeves of her oversized sweater, Trish hugs her coffee cup and continues her lament.

“But McCain’s not Hillary Clinton. He was a prisoner of war, he’s served in the Senate since Coolidge was President, he’s a neat guy. His politics make you gag, but I thought he had enough class to read the writing on the wall.”

Asked if her views were the views of the Obama campaign, Trish suddenly perks up.

“Are you kidding me? Barack would never say anything like that. Oh, at the Racine office, we still have our Hillary dartboard. But Barack, no way. He’s so kind and forgiving, so charming, he doesn’t have it in his heart to think that way.

I mean, all it would take would be one little call. ‘Senator McCain? You’re a good guy and all that, but for the good of the country, how would you feel about suspending your campaign?’ Gentle, like that, because he’s a gentle guy. And yet, very much a man.

“I think that’s what a lot of people don’t understand about Barack. He’s not just someone with good political ideas. He’s someone who’s very tender and caring. And they should just let him take office.”

But, the election’s only a couple weeks away. Can’t Trisha just wait fourteen more days? She sighs.

“I suppose that going through the motions and blah blah blah, doing the actual physical action of slogging through the voting, is something we’ll have to live with. Poor Barack.”

Palin Decries Vicious Quoting Campaign

Saying that she’s “sick and tired of these liberal so-and-so’s in their ivory town cars,” Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin called for an end to “… these tactics by the Democrats who think they can get away with using words that I have said to suggest some terribly malicious things about me, which I think people who have families and care about putting food on the table for the young ones do not want when they have issues of morality. Or I certainly wouldn’t, and I hear what people are telling me.”

In front of 5,000 delighted McCain supporters in Freesport, TN, Palin challenged the Democratic ticket. “If these Democrat guys want to have a fair debate with me over what I meant to say, or what I was really thinking at the time I said the thing, that’s fine. But to take some things when I said them, and then realize how they’re going to raise your taxes, which people just plain don’t want.”

Later, Palin sat down with FOXNews reporter Jan Barbish to explain.
“For instance, when I said that ‘Barack Obama pals around with terrorists,’ I think any Joe Six-Pack or Jill Martini understands what I’m talking about, and it’s not to put anyone in a bad light or suggest a terroristic agenda in specific. But some of these brandy-sniffing, Tiparillo-smoking metrosexual reporter types tend to jump to conclusions.

“Or when I said, ‘We should be devoting our time to talking to the good countries,’ the Leninist-Stalinist-Nazi guys, over on their side with the Obamas, started accusing me of being a bad foreign policy person.

“But, y’know, Jan, it really really doesn’t matter, because I know that, in my heart, I’m the one who wants what’s best for America. That’s why I’ve teamed up with a true Maverick, who won’t raise your taxes like some other people we know. I think the Hockey Moms and the Militia Dads understand me, and they’re the ones who really care about America.”