Pedestrian Injuries at 17, As Biden Implodes on Launch; Vilsack Gains Ground

(Washington, D.C. Exclusive to TWAMSIAM)—Seventeen Washington, D.C. – area pedestrians were treated and released, after sustaining minor injuries caused by the implosion of Senator Joseph Biden (D-Delaware).

The implosion occurred three minutes and seventeen seconds after Biden’s website announced his candidacy for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination. The old record was twenty-seven hours, thirty-one minutes and forty-four seconds, held by

Biden began his race for the presidency by inviting accusations of racism, plagiarism, gay-bashing, and sexism. First, he told the New York Observer that “unlike other African-American politicians, (Illinois senator) Barack Obama is ‘leading man-handsome, aristocratic of bearing, smart as a whip, and pretty as a flower. He’s a crisp, clean, articulate and peppy guy. He’s terrific. He’s effervescent as a sasparilla, just what we Democrats need.’”

Senator Obama, a contender for the Democratic nomination himself, said he didn’t take the comments personally, but added “Joe is probably compensating for the tiny-ness of his state.”

The plagiarism charges were leveled by attorneys for the Cadbury Schweppes Bottling Group, the company that bottles Seven-Up. CSBG’s counsel is considering a copyright infringement lawsuit against the Delaware senator, claiming that his description of Obama as “crisp, clean and effervescent” too closely resembles Seven-Up’s 1970’s UnCola campaign, when actor Geoffrey Holder told America “It’s crisp and clean with no caffeine. Ha ha ha.”

The Out Alliance, a gay and lesbian advocacy group, claims that by calling Obama “pretty,” Senator Biden is mocking the gay lifestyle, while, in another dramatic development, New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s campaign staff has leaked an 8 millimeter film of Biden referring to Senator Clinton as “a wonderfully kooky chick.”

As D.C. sanitation workers put in overtime to clean up the debris from Biden’s implosion, a CNN/Paramount Pictures/Weekly Reader survey says the Biden miscue is a boon for former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack. Vilsack, whose national name recognition factor is four point behind that of Kresge, Montana sheriff Preston Imelmahaye, has now passed Biden in the polls. As of this morning, Vilsack is only 14 points both Sasparilla and Kooky Chick.