President "Congratifies" Pelosi; Rumsfeld Packs for Elba; Neo-Cons Build Mattress Fort

After Democratic gains in both the House and Senate, President Bush struck a conciliatory tone at a White House news conference.

The President agreed to bow to the will of the people. “You have to understand,” Mr. Bush said, “the enemies of freedom have triumphed. Sometimes that’s gonna happen.”

President Bush went on to announce that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld would be leaving office, “one minute and thirty seconds after I finish this sentence,” adding, “but that doesn’t mean a change of policy in Iraq. We’re not saying ‘stay the course.’ We’re not saying, ‘cut and run.’ We’ll meet, I’ll have options that I can decide from, and then we’ll continue promoting democracy in the region, indefinitely, or until we leave. Whichever comes first.”

A Washington Times reporter asked how the President took the news of this election. “Hey, there are gonna be some days that make the terrorists happy. It’s like married gays raising taxes during abortions. You don’t want it to happen. Your job is to make sure it doesn’t happen—which I did. And it never will. But when it does happen, you take your hat off, kick the mud off your boots, and congratify—which I did, I called Mrs. Pelosi, and Eddie Haskell—that’s what I call Clair McCaskill, out in Saint Louis and the greater Missouri tri-state area, and I congratified them. I appreciate what it is to win the voters.

“So—am I sad to see Rick Factotum get thrown out of Pennsylvania. Of course. He’s a patriot—like Sec’tary Rumsfeld. Do you want more good things to happen than things that are bad? Well, that’s just common sense.

“People claim that Congress is gonna start interfering with the policies of the United States government, start poking around in some classified areas, like oil. They’re gonna hear some hearings, because ‘sunshine is the best disinfectant.’ Well, it’s a free country to say that, but Lysol kills over 99% of germs on contact. So again, you’re all disinfected. But then you have a government that smells like bowling shoes.”