NEWS HEADLINES

Congressman Delay Recovering from Laundry Mishap
Shirt mislabeled "Machine Wash Cold Gentile"

Native Americans Push Simpler Illegal Immigration Bill
Tribal Leader: "We'll gladly help you pack"

Ancient Scroll: Judas Priest Sought to Undermine Madonna
Papyrus cites Halford: "Bird's all knickers, no pipes"

McCain Reasserts Long-Held Conservative Views
"And you kids turn down that noise you call music"

Schieffer fans boycott Campho-Phenique
Group, including Lady's Auxilary, "Bob-head Dolls," picket CBS, vow to block Couric takeover

Scandal Puts Baseball's Steroid Investigation on Hold
Chairman George Mitchell concedes, "I got on the juice when the 'Contract with America' passed; now I can't get the Flonase monkey off my back"

President Blames Senate Democrats
For immigration bill deadlock, wiretapping controversy, logjam, traffic congestion, shortness of breath, blurred vision, impaired judgment, tornadoes, floods, murrain, pestilence, pustules, internal bleeding, external modem, internets, dysphoria, dyspepsia, sexual side effects, terrell owens of the neck and spine, overwatering, Lyme disease, and runny eggs;

Senator Clinton responds, "Let's hear all the evidence before we agree with the President"