Oscar Telecast: "Egad, Someone's TALKING!!! They Must Be Stopped!!!"

Just a few observations about tonight's Oscar awards:

"Wait...she's got her award, start the music...she's saying something about art, or the process, let's get a nice shot that shows something else, shoot someone's shoes, or let's have that nosebleed shot so the speaker is the size of a pea on the screen. Good. Now show someone bony woman with problem hair... now cut to Spielberg again...good, now music up...oh no, there's someone else talking--he's THANKING people...we said NO THANKING!!! Are the snipers in place? Who are these guys--Best Picture? Nobody cares!!! Play the music!!! I said, pick up that f-ing music and take out the mic. Stupid award winners. They think it's all about them!"

Jon Stewart is very funny. I hope they have him back. I could have used a break or two where he let the joke pass and just did the hosting thing, and there were periods where he felt a little desperate for laughs, but that's quibbling. Overall, he was hilarious, and neatly bridged the gaping generational gaps in the audience. 36 Mafia, the cannibal orchestra, the interpretive dance, Cheney shooting Bjork-- both the prepared material and the ad-libbed material rocked.

George Clooney made a brief but excellent speech about Hollywood being "out of touch." In a world that needs to make progress, the people pushing for it all seem out of touch, I guess. And it must have been spur of the moment, too, because it was in reaction to Stewart's joke with the phrase, "out of touch." Unless he told Clooney when they were in bed.

Is Uma Thurman feeling all right? How about Charlize Theron? I'm just wondering, because Uma, who's one of the most attractive women in Hollywood, looked starved, and fresh from a fist fight in the shower, while Theron, who was again nominated after winning for "Monster" had that look that a cat gets when it has to share territory. Salma Hayek looked terrific. Terence Howard is smooth, and Larry McMurtry, a terrific writer, looked as though someone kidnapped him while he was watching a ball game on t.v. I don't know what writer/producer Diana Ossana is so angry about-- she won the Oscar with McMurtry and looked as though she was just sick and tired of the lot of us. And while did so many of the women look so oily?

I can only imagine that the pressure to look like an air-brushed photograph of a goddess must call for absurd lengths of make up and hair.

The middle of the show was dominated by the technology geniuses behind blockbusters.

Just love the ads for the new Tab, and I hope a few scientists were watching. It takes a different kind of energy to be a woman. The kind of low-calorie energy you get from new Tab. Except that a "calorie" is a unit of energy. Maybe Tab has psychic energy. Or imaginary energy. For God's sake, if I've learned anything from Uma Thurman tonight, it's could we please have women eating food? It's a recurring theme in Hollywood, but let's have more "women's strength" be about women being strong, taking the reins, etc, and less about them being skinny and half-naked? Or else, and I hate to say it, it may be time for skinny half-naked oily men. Just to level the playing field.

And if you really want to shorten the show, cut down the 55 miles of walking that take place every year, especially from backstage to the front. We come back from commercial, Jon Stewart introduces the next presenter, and for some reason, that person has to walk for half an hour before saying anything, instead of setting up closer to the spot during the break.

If that doesn't work, then just eliminate the winners entirely. Seriously. If someone who's been making films for 30 years half a planet away is gonna be required to sum up the moment in 30 seconds in their 2nd or 3rd language, why bring them up at all? Just announce the winner, and have a skinny half-naked oily star accept the award, with a cat-like smirk and move on.

I think Dustin Hoffman's appearance summed it up best. He mentioned being nervous. I think all the recipients were more nervous this year, after the badgering about speech length. He also said that acting was much easier.

Perhaps the key is, film makers, as a group, are the best in the world at creating pre-produced, carefully measured moments. The idea that they should, in a live moment all be concise, gripping speakers, from a script, or ad libbed, on their first try, is a bit unfair. Like assembling the greatest symphony orchestra in the world, and making everybody tap dance.

BTW, for more about the Oscars, click over to Ken Levine's hilarious and insightful account.