Cheney Avenges Hamilton.

Vice President Richard B. Cheney made news again today, gunning down former
Vice President Aaron Burr in the parking lot of the Parsippany, NJ Hampton Inn, at the intersection of state route 46 and interstates 80 and 287. The Corpus Christi Caller Times is reporting that Cheney, following a lead from Homeland Security agents, finally completed his forty-year-long search for Burr, who is best remembered for shooting Alexander Hamilton, one of the current Vice President’s heroes.

Burr had been living in one of the Hampton Inn’s Executive Suites, Suite 312, savoring the European ambience of the Inn’s free continental breakfasts. According to several neighbors, Burr had declared himself “Emperor of the ice machine and all adjacent lands.”

The Caller Times reports from eye witnesses that, at approximately 9:47 am local time, Cheney reached the third floor of the building, pushed aside the linen cart, and cried, “Burr, you murdering bastard! Come get your medicine.”

Hearing his name, or believing he had heard something, the 250-year old Burr emerged from his suite, drew his English Flintlock blunderbuss pistol, and shot a perfect bulls-eye, immediately killing a Hoover U6439-900 Upright Vacuum Cleaner. Then Cheney drew, and announced, “This is for Ten-Spot,” Cheney’s nickname for Hamilton, the slain former Secretary of Treasury, whose face is on the ten-dollar bill.

While Cheney was making this announcement, the frail Burr shot again, this time a glancing blow, maiming, “Winter Frolic,” a light-hearted watercolor painting by local artist Francis McKetchum. Cheney finally fired his nickel-plated pistol, a replica of Doc Holliday’s weapon, used during the famous gunfight at the OK Corral. Cheney completed the task with one shot. He blasted a hole in the window at the far end of the corridor, missing Burr completely, but the noise stunned him, and his body immediately gave out. Burr’s last words were, “I see you Alexander: Milk Duds!” Or words to that effect.

Cheney, citing executive privilege, reholstered his weapon, and, retreating to the back seat of his Cadillac Escalade, order his driver to “Get me to Newark, young man—pronto!”