ESPN Announces New English-Language Sports Channel

Cable’s dominant sports network, ESPN, a Disney-owned company, will launch a new English language version of their popular ESPN channel, executives told a packed Manhattan press conference today.

Perry Willis, Disney’s Director of Sports Programming, explained the move. “Our research suggests that an increasing number of English-speakers would watch a sports-oriented channel that fits their lifestyle.”

Baron Dillard, ESPN programming chief, played highlight video demonstrating how “Sportscenter” would differ on the two channels.

“Okay, same plays from the same game. Here’s the standard SportsCenter version:
‘People all over the world, join in, join the James Gang, James Gang, and the King takes the orb past the scepter, hollas we want pre-nup and digs some gold of his own, on the backside of town. Bah-wang, Bucky! Fourth quarter, Sixers say, take me to your Libra, in this case, birthday boy A-I, who must be given in the form of an Answer, Alex, and says, it’s always sunny in philly,--- CASABA!!!! And he gets fouled. But, like the 64 democrats, the Cavs go all the way with LBJ. Also, it’s the fourth time this season that Larry Hughes has made more than 81% of his free throws on a Tuesday road game, a record for Cleveland 2-guards.’

“Now, the English language version:
‘LeBron James goes around two 76ers, and up over a third, to give the Cleveland Cavaliers an early lead in tonight’s game in Philadelphia. LeBron scoring 2 of his 37 points for the night. Allen Iverson brought the Sixers back within five when he gets whacked by Donyell Marshall but still sinks the off balance jumper. Cleveland wins it 91-84, and moves into first place.’”

"ESPN Rockin' English" won’t launch until November, but already critics are savaging the plan.

Professor Mark Hargreave, who teaches a seminar on Sports Media History and Cultural Dynamics at Columbia’s Furnow School of Anthropology, says, “As long as humanity has competed, a siren’s song of gibberish has accompanied it. In the Iliad, does Homer come out and say directly that Ulysses is outrun by Phidecropolis? No. The text observes that Ulysses ‘spit out his giblets.’ Fifty years ago, sports headlines featured such nonsense as ‘Harriers Nip Gamecocks in X-Town Duel,’ or Habs Nab Gabbing Gators.’ Eliminate doubletalk, and you’re left with the realization that these are merely people in funny clothes running around each other, often with a sphere involved.”

Wall Street also expressed skepticism, with Schaffner Stone Pierce media analyst Jeffrey Tate observing, “It’s a noble idea, but who’ll watch this? Who speaks English anymore? The demographics will be 45 to dead.”

Meanwhile, former coach and veteran sports color commentator Hubie Brown had this to say, “The important thing, and the Pistons already know this, is for ESPN to rotate, to pick up the open man. You see, right there, A&E tries to double team Bravo, The History Channel finds the open man, and the Learning Channel is too late, leaving Animal Planet alone for the three. Better rotation, better defense. Gotta rotate See Spot rotate. ‘Rotate, Spot, rotate!’ A perfect day for me is a ride on a merry-go-round, some rotisserie chicken, and then watching the opening credits of Happy Days.”