IMUS Sides 1:

"There-- Problem Solved"

A Brief History:

In 1640, in Bournemouth England, the Most Reverend Archibald Imus approached the Queen Mary Virginia Trading Company, Ltd, with an intriguing proposal—that the “vessels currently transporting rum to our shoures (sic) might be used to transport African slave labour to the new world.” -- Historical Archives

Over a century later, "...the framers of the Constitution were, as a group, fed up. For months now, through bitter cold, and now, worse, sweltering malarial humidity of a Philadelphia summer, they had wrangled over this document, which settled most controversies by refusing to address them. Now, a town crier from Tennessee, Dennis Imus, was proposing that slaves be included in the constitution as property.”

Less than forty years after the Constitution became law, the Missouri Compromise Bill, which insulted all parties on the issue of slavery while resolving nothing, seemed doomed from the outset. The call for the admission of both free states and slave states wouldn’t change the long-running battle over abolition; it would just make both sides louder. The coalition for passage was a fragile one; Northern and Southern leaders recognized it as a feeble measure—an all but certain precursor to war. Allegiances proved fickle; senators went to bed advocating one side, and woke up the next morning on the other.

Just then, a pamphlet circulated, entitled “Sanity,” urging passage “to display our willingness to unify despite our differences.” That message carried the day. The bill was passed. The author of this notorious argument wisely chose anonymity, signing his work with in Latin, “Donaldimus.”

Now, after nearly 400 years of oppression, America has exiled broadcaster Don Imus, who, in this past century, segregated our schools, buses, restrooms and lunch counters, and launched the meteorological forces that resulted in hurricanes Katrina and Rita. Huzzah, America! We are healed at last.