2oo8's Top News Headlines:

Perry Ellis in Partnership with Apple for Latest iPod Accessory—Sleek New Designer Blindfold

Clinton Campaign Reveals: “Ducking From ‘Copter” Actually Memory from Opening Credits to “M*A*S*H”

Obama Campaign: Clinton’s Jesse Jackson Reference Racist

Hillary Cries, Wins New Hampshire

Huckabee—All Brothers in Christ Created Equal

John Edwards Introduces “Big John”, Drops out of Race.

Study: Obesity Caused by Excess Fat

Bush Breaks Record--- 357th Weekly Radio Address Featuring Phrase, “Everything’s Fine.”

Gas Breaks 5-dollar Mark; GM rolls Out ’09 Sherman Tank-- One Highway, Point-Five City.

People’s Republic of China Signs Michael Phelps for Two-Week “Swimtastics” to Introduce New, “Fast-Watered” Cube; 120,000 Extras, Gymnasts, NBC Also Slated to Appear

Mitt Romney Pledges to Bring Home the Bacon; Fry it up in a Pan

Giuliani Bites Rotweiller, Gains 5 Points

NY Governor Eliot Spitzer Introduces “Big Eliot”, Will Accept Clerical Post in Greenland.

Minnesota Vows to Fill Senate Seat In time for 2012 Duluth Olympics

O.J. Simpson Rescues Innocent Memorabilia in Heroic, Entebbe-Like Hotel Raid

GQ Cover: How to Turn Yourself a Tall, Thin, Snappily-Dressed African-American in Front of a Blue Background

3.9 Million Attend Obama’s Denver’s Acceptance Speech; McCain Has Big Lunch at Diner

NBC Adds New Crime Drama to Fall Schedule: “Law & Order: Law and Order”

Dodgers Acquire Manny Ramirez; Thousands Violate City Ordinance, Attend Dodger Games

McCain Pick, Alaska Cheerleader:“So Gosh-Darned Excited” to Run with Maverick McCain, against Terrorist Obama

Yahoo Rejects Takeover Bids from Google, Microsoft, Pepsico, Cokesico, Mormons, Pinkberry

Press Release: “Linens n’ Things” to Downsize; Will Focus on Things

Archaelogy’s Latest Find—Baseball Team in Tampa, Florida

Among Newly-Released Nixon Papers: Agnew Designed Uniforms for Cabinet Members, Staff; Bermuda Shorts for Summer

Dream Realized: Corleone Family Completely Legitimate

Bush Justice Department Selects US Attorneys Based on Smell

Mr. Potter Demands Billion-Dollar Bailout from Citizens of Bedford Falls

Box Office: “Deranged Teen Killer” Falls to 3rd, behind “Really Deranged Teen Killer,” “Mamma Mia”

Wife Helps Kucinich Win Fantasy Primary, 9 Virtual Delegates

5 Remaining Newspapers Sweep Journalism Awards

China Pioneers Lead Paint Chip Baby Food

Dictators Hall of Fame Waives 5-Year Waiting Period; Inducts Castro

Obama Wins Historic Victory, Watches CNBC; Tomorrow First Fitting for Superhero Cape