McCain Clarifies Remarks About Obama

At a news conference today, Arizona Senator John McCain made this statement to reporters:

“Senator Obama is good and decent man. Of course, we still don’t know all the details about his relationships with terrorists. But the terrorist we’re referring to, William Ayres, is a washed-up old terrorist, and that doesn’t interfere with the fact that Barack Obama is a solid citizen who wants the best for our country.

“Of course, we’d know more about his connections with this terrorist if he’d make them clear. I know he’s addressed the issue, but not fully, and when you have a man who wants to lead the country, and has such a relationship, you can’t help but wonder what will happen when this man has our armed forces at our disposal, and then his old terrorist buddy calls up, and there’s that red button to press, but neither I nor anyone associated with this campaign except my running mate, believes there’s any chance that could happen.

“What if he is a Muslim? What if he’s a radical Muslim? Not all Muslims or even all radical followers of Islam want to destroy America. We believe in freedom of religion. So whether he’s a Christian, as he now claims to be, or whether he is in fact a man who prays to Allah five times a day and follows a cleric who is uncomfortable with the existence of the state of Israel, it is not our place to judge, my friends.

“Senator Obama is a good and kind man, with a beautiful family. That’s what’s important. That’s what we should judge him on. Not whether he happens to have friends who want to destroy America, or whether his family occasionally visits Mecca.”

Obama Tempted to Say Something Stupid

ABC News is reporting that Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama is tempted to say something stupid before Election Day.

In what he believed to be an off-the-record conversation with ABC’s Diane Sawyer, Obama confided, “When you run for President, every word you say is a potential controversy. So you are constantly watching what you say and how you say it. And that’s what I will continue to do.

“Look, no one said a presidential campaign would be an easy undertaking. But anyone with intelligence or creativity, which we’ve seen all across America, would eventually want to get away with a little mischief. And when you have a lead, that hankering becomes almost irresistable.

“So-- do I get the urge to say something outrageous, like ‘Sarah Palin can shoot moose but she can’t spell it?’—sure. Would I like to say, ‘My first act as President will be to send Dick Cheney out on a street corner with a cardboard sign, and see how he does out there?’ You bet. Or something like, ‘People of America, I promise never to be seen in public without my multi-colored ceremonial robe?’ No doubt.

“Sure, it’s only natural to want to have a little fun. But bear in mind, some people won’t realize that I’m kidding if I say, ‘All neo-cons should have to re-apply for U.S. Citizenship,’ or ‘Sometimes Uruguay really pisses me off.’

“My personal favorite, and the one I’d never say, is “Let me get this straight. Peter O’Toole is a movie star, Dick Armey is a congressional leader, and I’m the one with the funny name?’

The Obama campaign had no comment in response to our phone calls, but Senator John McCain called back personally to say, “I’m very disappointed in Senator Obama. And he’ll raise your taxes.”

Obamafans: When Will Stubborn McCain Concede?

(Racine, WI) Trish Bassett is a software designer for iGot Technologies, which partners with Google, Yahoo, and Kraft Foods to create network synergies. But right now she spends nights and weekends working for Barack Obama’s presidential campaign.

While she’s glad to see her candidate out in front, she slumps in her chair during a coffee break.

“I can’t believe we have to go through this all over again. What is it with politicians?”

The “this” that Obama’s supporters are “going through,” is once again enduring the long wait for a hopeless adversary to “wise up” and drop out of the race.

“I mean, with Hillary, we almost understood, because we knew she was the queen bitch from Hell. I say affirmations every night that within myself and within the world, may there be peace, but if I saw Hillary walking down the street, I know I’d tear her a new one. At least one. She had some nerve even running for the job.”

Sliding her hands back into the sleeves of her oversized sweater, Trish hugs her coffee cup and continues her lament.

“But McCain’s not Hillary Clinton. He was a prisoner of war, he’s served in the Senate since Coolidge was President, he’s a neat guy. His politics make you gag, but I thought he had enough class to read the writing on the wall.”

Asked if her views were the views of the Obama campaign, Trish suddenly perks up.

“Are you kidding me? Barack would never say anything like that. Oh, at the Racine office, we still have our Hillary dartboard. But Barack, no way. He’s so kind and forgiving, so charming, he doesn’t have it in his heart to think that way.

I mean, all it would take would be one little call. ‘Senator McCain? You’re a good guy and all that, but for the good of the country, how would you feel about suspending your campaign?’ Gentle, like that, because he’s a gentle guy. And yet, very much a man.

“I think that’s what a lot of people don’t understand about Barack. He’s not just someone with good political ideas. He’s someone who’s very tender and caring. And they should just let him take office.”

But, the election’s only a couple weeks away. Can’t Trisha just wait fourteen more days? She sighs.

“I suppose that going through the motions and blah blah blah, doing the actual physical action of slogging through the voting, is something we’ll have to live with. Poor Barack.”

Palin Decries Vicious Quoting Campaign

Saying that she’s “sick and tired of these liberal so-and-so’s in their ivory town cars,” Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin called for an end to “… these tactics by the Democrats who think they can get away with using words that I have said to suggest some terribly malicious things about me, which I think people who have families and care about putting food on the table for the young ones do not want when they have issues of morality. Or I certainly wouldn’t, and I hear what people are telling me.”

In front of 5,000 delighted McCain supporters in Freesport, TN, Palin challenged the Democratic ticket. “If these Democrat guys want to have a fair debate with me over what I meant to say, or what I was really thinking at the time I said the thing, that’s fine. But to take some things when I said them, and then realize how they’re going to raise your taxes, which people just plain don’t want.”

Later, Palin sat down with FOXNews reporter Jan Barbish to explain.
“For instance, when I said that ‘Barack Obama pals around with terrorists,’ I think any Joe Six-Pack or Jill Martini understands what I’m talking about, and it’s not to put anyone in a bad light or suggest a terroristic agenda in specific. But some of these brandy-sniffing, Tiparillo-smoking metrosexual reporter types tend to jump to conclusions.

“Or when I said, ‘We should be devoting our time to talking to the good countries,’ the Leninist-Stalinist-Nazi guys, over on their side with the Obamas, started accusing me of being a bad foreign policy person.

“But, y’know, Jan, it really really doesn’t matter, because I know that, in my heart, I’m the one who wants what’s best for America. That’s why I’ve teamed up with a true Maverick, who won’t raise your taxes like some other people we know. I think the Hockey Moms and the Militia Dads understand me, and they’re the ones who really care about America.”