Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Enemies List Statute to Expire: Clooney, Baldwin, 141-Thousand Others, to be Reinstated as U.S. Citizens

(Washington, D.C.) – Over one hundred thousand Americans, designated as “B status citizens” by the Bush Administration, will be rehabilitated to full citizenship in official ceremonies slated for January 21, 2009.

Sources close to President-elect Barack Obama’s inner circle, say that actors George Clooney and Alec Baldwin, screenwriter Aaron Sorkin, recording artists Martie Maguire, Natalie Maines, and Emily Robison, know as "The Dixie Chicks," will all participate in a Citizenship Reinstatement Ceremony at Washington’s FedEx Field.

A “B status” citizenship restricts travel, requires monthly check-ins at “B-House,” in Landover, MD, and permits intelligence agencies to treat the individual as a “person of interest” in all investigations.

On the west coast, 4-Star General Eric Shinseki, retired General Wesley Clarke, Marijuana enthusiast Bill Maher, “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane, and Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy will headline a ceremony at AT&T Park in San Francisco.

Many ordinary Americans, in the doghouse because of their disagreement with White House policies, or even their fondness for French food, will once again be able to walk without ankle bracelets, assemble in public, or have guests stay overnight, as any “A status” American can.

How’d the soon-to-be reinstated react to the good news? Rapper Kanye West told a crowd in Kansas City, “Warm up your stove, darlin’. Daddy’s comin’ home.”

Comedian David Letterman told his audience, “Reason number three that I’m glad: Original stalkers more attractive than Government Issue stalkers."

Meanwhile, Journalist Dan Rather told reporters, “This is one cowboy who’ll celebrate this day of freedom by savoring the clear crisp taste of a Fresca.”

Shaking Stops in Poughkeepsie

(Poughkeepsie, NY) – The constant rumbling and shaking in this community on the banks of the Hudson River, have finally come to an end.

Mayor John Kimbrough says, the city can be proud of its steadfastness.

“For almost a decade now, we’ve tended to our mending. We survived without a scratch, business as usual. The folks who go to work at IBM, the workforce, professors and students at Vassar, have continued to function, and all-in-all, we haven’t wasted our time worrying about these slight tremors, because we wouldn’t let a little jiggling prevent a Fourth of July Celebration, our Hudson River Candlefest, or any other of our traditions.

“And next year, we celebrate Poughkeepsie’s 350th birthday. If this quiet continues, it will be safe to light that birthday cake!

Seismologists say the epicenter of the continuous low-intensity rumble has come from slightly north of the city, in the town of Hyde Park, NY, but they’ve been at a loss to determine the cause.

The only explanation we were able to track down came from lifelong resident and local character Arnie Parsaghian, who mentioned that President Franklin Delano Roosevelt was buried in Hyde Park, and since November 4th, he’d stopped spinning in his grave.