2oo8's Top News Headlines:
Perry Ellis in Partnership with Apple for Latest iPod Accessory—Sleek New Designer Blindfold
Clinton Campaign Reveals: “Ducking From ‘Copter” Actually Memory from Opening Credits to “M*A*S*H”
Obama Campaign: Clinton’s Jesse Jackson Reference Racist
Hillary Cries, Wins New Hampshire
Huckabee—All Brothers in Christ Created Equal
John Edwards Introduces “Big John”, Drops out of Race.
Study: Obesity Caused by Excess Fat
Bush Breaks Record--- 357th Weekly Radio Address Featuring Phrase, “Everything’s Fine.”
Gas Breaks 5-dollar Mark; GM rolls Out ’09 Sherman Tank-- One Highway, Point-Five City.
People’s Republic of China Signs Michael Phelps for Two-Week “Swimtastics” to Introduce New, “Fast-Watered” Cube; 120,000 Extras, Gymnasts, NBC Also Slated to Appear
Mitt Romney Pledges to Bring Home the Bacon; Fry it up in a Pan
Giuliani Bites Rotweiller, Gains 5 Points
NY Governor Eliot Spitzer Introduces “Big Eliot”, Will Accept Clerical Post in Greenland.
Minnesota Vows to Fill Senate Seat In time for 2012 Duluth Olympics
O.J. Simpson Rescues Innocent Memorabilia in Heroic, Entebbe-Like Hotel Raid
GQ Cover: How to Turn Yourself a Tall, Thin, Snappily-Dressed African-American in Front of a Blue Background
3.9 Million Attend Obama’s Denver’s Acceptance Speech; McCain Has Big Lunch at Diner
NBC Adds New Crime Drama to Fall Schedule: “Law & Order: Law and Order”
Dodgers Acquire Manny Ramirez; Thousands Violate City Ordinance, Attend Dodger Games
McCain Pick, Alaska Cheerleader:“So Gosh-Darned Excited” to Run with Maverick McCain, against Terrorist Obama
Yahoo Rejects Takeover Bids from Google, Microsoft, Pepsico, Cokesico, Mormons, Pinkberry
Press Release: “Linens n’ Things” to Downsize; Will Focus on Things
Archaelogy’s Latest Find—Baseball Team in Tampa, Florida
Among Newly-Released Nixon Papers: Agnew Designed Uniforms for Cabinet Members, Staff; Bermuda Shorts for Summer
Dream Realized: Corleone Family Completely Legitimate
Bush Justice Department Selects US Attorneys Based on Smell
Mr. Potter Demands Billion-Dollar Bailout from Citizens of Bedford Falls
Box Office: “Deranged Teen Killer” Falls to 3rd, behind “Really Deranged Teen Killer,” “Mamma Mia”
Wife Helps Kucinich Win Fantasy Primary, 9 Virtual Delegates
5 Remaining Newspapers Sweep Journalism Awards
China Pioneers Lead Paint Chip Baby Food
Dictators Hall of Fame Waives 5-Year Waiting Period; Inducts Castro
Obama Wins Historic Victory, Watches CNBC; Tomorrow First Fitting for Superhero Cape