Sunday, July 13, 2008

Jackson joins with Planters to Rein in Obama

The Reverend Jesse Jackson has joined Kraft Foods subsidiary Planters Nuts to restrict the consumption habits of Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama.

Jackson says, a candidate’s eating habits must be closely monitored during a long campaign. “Voters prefer a trim and fit physique. With the fat content in cashews, peanuts, almonds, and other nut and legume products, the often sedentary lifestyle of politicians makes them vulnerable to massive weight gain.”

Planters Vice President for Operations Tracy Handsler told reporters:

“We thank the Reverend Jackson for bringing our attention to this issue. As of today, Senator Obama will not be eligible to consume a filbert, a pecan, or a walnut, or for that matter any kind of nut.
“We’re in the awkward position of a neighborhood bartender who wants to make the customer happy, but at some point has to say, ‘sorry pal, we’re cutting your nuts off.’”

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Conservation Tips

Air condition your house after 11 pm, when a cooler outdoor temperature means fewer BTU’s required, and less strain on the power grid.

For festive holiday arrangements, use the natural plants in your area. You’ll save time and money, and you’ll save water. For example, in the southwestern United States, honor your Valentine with a lovely Barrel or Hedgehog Cactus.

Lighten your car’s load. Save up to ten miles a gallon by removing passengers from your station wagon.

Also for motorists: for summertime security, don’t seal up your car and overheat the interior. Instead, leave the windows wide open, placing a piece of used cheese on the passenger seat.

Raising cattle consumes massive amounts of energy, water, and vegetation lower on the food chain. In stead of that steak, next time, find a delicious vinagrette marinade, and, over medium heat, grill up a batch of junk mail.

Fun energy fact: Between October 17th and November 1st of 1894, the emissions from a Congressional debate fueled a steam locomotive’s entire cross country journey. The train arrived in San Francisco, just as the hot air was running out.

Gangsters Only: The bodies of your enemies make excellent compost.

Bleary-eyed from staring at your monitor? Unplug your computer every seven minutes, and do some healthy stretching exercises.

Did you know? A Hummer H2 only burns 34 ounces of gasoline an hour when the engine is off.
The entire electricity supply of Woodland Hills, California, comes from a retrofitted liposuction residue-burning energy plant.