Monday, September 08, 2008


America’s automated teller machines (ATMs), meeting at an undisclosed cyber-location, have secretly voted to recognize the $10 bill.

The ATMs union chief, Paysmooth F96134-pp5r17/^, nicknamed “Zarban,” told reporters that the vote was held during Labor Day, a bank holiday.

“Would you like to check your balance before we start?” Zarban said, adding “10 number is perfect. Man no allow 10 bill for stupid. Would you like to make a withdrawal, make a deposit, transfer cash or other?”

We asked, “Why say man stupid?”

Zarban replied, “Let Burr kill Hamilton. Now withhold Hamilton-face money. Stupid. Would you like a receipt? No? See? Stupid!”

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Tan Delays Delegate

(St. Paul, MN) Oklahoma State Senator Lyman Callendale was refused admission to Wednesday’s proceedings at the Republican National Convention, when security guards stopped him at the gate, saying he didn’t look like his Delegate Credential photograph.

Callendale, who spent parts of Sunday, Monday and Tuesday at Eagan, Minnesota’s Totally Exotique Tan TM, tried to enter the Xcel Energy Center with his new bronzed look.

The security guards called for party officials to come vouch for Callendale, whose tan ever so slightly deepened while he was waiting to be admitted. Finally, it was Oklahoma’s Secretary of Agriculture, Boyd Tuckman, who blurted out, “Lyman, is that you?”

Convention spokeswoman Billie Sauers urged reporters not to draw conclusions. “Look guys, the Republican Party welcomes people of all skin colors. Just look across this convention floor and you’ll see not just alabaster skin, but eggshell, bone, pink, deep bone, ecru and freckled.”

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Obama Retools Alaska Strategy

Alan Pierce, campaign strategist for Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama, announced changes in the candidate’s traveling schedule to salvage his slight lead in the pivotal state of Alaska.

“With John McCain’s choice of Governor Sarah Palin for the Vice Presidential slot,” Pierce told reporters, “It’s a whole new ball game,” adding, “As Alaska goes, so goes Washington, Oregon, Louisiana, Kentucky, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Michigan, Guam, Puerto Rico, Ohio and New Mexico.”

Behind the Scenes: McCain’s VP Selection Process

Sources from within the McCain Presidential campaign have provided enough details to piece together the events surrounding McCain’s selection of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin for the Vice Presidency, who accepted McCain’s invitation, saying, in part, “It’s a heavy burden knowing that should Mr. America be unable to fulfill his duties, I, the first runner up, will have to pick up the crown and take over.”

The Arizona Senator was determined to find the best prospect, in a fair and open-minded prospects. “These are all good people,” a senior campaign official told TWAMSIAM. “the Senator wanted all potential veep choices to know, in advance, how they’d be selected.”

It was political consultant Karl Rove who came up with the idea for a pageant. “We Republicans believe in the marketplace. Why not let the finalists compete?”

Most of the campaign staff believed that former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney would win, after he captured the Poise competition.

Then attention turned to fit and firm Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, who won the swimsuit category.

What happened next was described by McCain himself:

“My friends, when I saw Governor Pelvin in the talent competition, and she came out as the Greek huntress Diana, shooting an arrow at the glass ceiling that so many women have fought, I thought of my own wife Cindy. I thought of Regis and Kelly, I thought of Donald Trump and what’s-her-name, and I thought, no one will see this coming, and doggone it, together Sandy Paulson and I are gonna win this thing.”

Olbermann Okays Democratic Ticket

MSNBC Anchor, Host, and Special Commenter Keith Olbermann today affixed his signature and his golden wax seal to the official documents certifying Senators Barack Obama and Joe Biden as the Presidential and Vice Presidential nominees of the Democratic Party.

“People are going to make more out of this than it really is,” Olbermann told The New York Times, “Especially that &#%*}$-er (FoxNews host) Bill O’Reilly.”

The Times says Democratic leaders met with Olbermann in his palatial working space at MSNBC headquarters. “The Obama, the Biden, the Dean, and their minions entered the sanctum, and all I really did was, I spake unto them saying, ‘Yes, it is seemly that the Obama and the Biden go forth and make change across America. Be not like Al Smith, whose life story I know in detail, but like Franklin Roosevelt, whose life story I also know, in even greater detail.’ Yes, they backed out of the room always facing me, but no, their lips didn’t touch me or the floor or anything worth noting.”

In Mr. Olbermann’s defense, scientific double-blind studies confirm that Bill O’Reilly actually is a &#%*}$-er.