Saturday, February 24, 2007

News Headlines:

Mac Dweebs Identify With Cool "Mac Guy," on “Mac-PC” Ads

Iran Says No Violation; “That Depends on What Your Definition of ‘Exploding Thermonuclear Device’ Is”

New “Air Passenger’s Bill of Rights” to Include “No Seatback in Front of You Crushing Your Sternum”

Emphatic Denial: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Anna Nicole Smith Not Mentioned in Headline Just to Drive Traffic to This Website

Hollywood Starlets Announce Oscar Party Standard for Hook Up: Best Supporting Nomination or Better

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

News Headlines

Microsoft Promotion Bundles VISTA With Midol, Sledgehammer

"Saw" Director Hosts PETA Benefit

Worldwide "Live Earth" Day, 7/7/07, To Surpass '05 Compost-Apalooza

Knicks Kiss Playoff Hopes, Pistons, Goodbye

Sunday, February 18, 2007

News Headlines, 2/19/07:

Tribe in Borneo Shockingly Resembles Show People; Smile When They Are Low

Being, Nothingness, Tied at 3, After Rousing Game Twelve

Music Industry Abuzz About Upcoming "Britney Sings Yul" Album, "Et Cetera"

Faberge Egg Incredible, Inedible

Kim Jong Il-- I'd Totally Disarm, For One Dance With C J Cregg

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Friday, February 16, 2007

Today's Headlines

Hackers Seize GPS Control; 40 Million Converge on Boise

Larry King Threatens: “Bounce the Gossip, Book Shecky Greene, or I’m Outa Here”

Triple Threat Timberlake Scores Emmy, Grammy, and Aunt Margaret

Police Reunite; Krupke Nabs Jets, Sharks, on Loitering Beef

Entry From Newly Discovered Lincoln Diary: “I Shall Save the Union, In Hope That Someday, Americans Might Save Up to 70% on High-Thread-Count Linens”

Mishap, as Giants Re-Sign Bonds: His Laser Eyes Singe Contract

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Today's Headlines:

Judge in Anna Nicole Smith Case: Bury the Attorneys

NBA’s Allen Iverson: I’m Not Gay, But I Once Took a Six-Foot Jumper in San Antonio That Looked Kinda Gay

President Bush Announces Plan to Send “Real” Surge of 50,000 Troops; Insists Congress Must Supply, Protect and Fully Arm Security Force Deployed in Iraq to Support Supplies for Surge Force, and Fully Arm and Supply New “Real” Surge Forces in Addition to Original Surge Forces and Troops There Before Either Surge

With Forehead Botox Treatment, CBS’s Couric Resembles Either Fierce Tiger, or Front End of Sports Car

Playoffs: Howard K. Stern Advances; Will Face Family of Ted Williams in Semis

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Thursday, February 01, 2007

Pedestrian Injuries at 17, As Biden Implodes on Launch; Vilsack Gains Ground

(Washington, D.C. Exclusive to TWAMSIAM)—Seventeen Washington, D.C. – area pedestrians were treated and released, after sustaining minor injuries caused by the implosion of Senator Joseph Biden (D-Delaware).

The implosion occurred three minutes and seventeen seconds after Biden’s website announced his candidacy for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination. The old record was twenty-seven hours, thirty-one minutes and forty-four seconds, held by

Biden began his race for the presidency by inviting accusations of racism, plagiarism, gay-bashing, and sexism. First, he told the New York Observer that “unlike other African-American politicians, (Illinois senator) Barack Obama is ‘leading man-handsome, aristocratic of bearing, smart as a whip, and pretty as a flower. He’s a crisp, clean, articulate and peppy guy. He’s terrific. He’s effervescent as a sasparilla, just what we Democrats need.’”

Senator Obama, a contender for the Democratic nomination himself, said he didn’t take the comments personally, but added “Joe is probably compensating for the tiny-ness of his state.”

The plagiarism charges were leveled by attorneys for the Cadbury Schweppes Bottling Group, the company that bottles Seven-Up. CSBG’s counsel is considering a copyright infringement lawsuit against the Delaware senator, claiming that his description of Obama as “crisp, clean and effervescent” too closely resembles Seven-Up’s 1970’s UnCola campaign, when actor Geoffrey Holder told America “It’s crisp and clean with no caffeine. Ha ha ha.”

The Out Alliance, a gay and lesbian advocacy group, claims that by calling Obama “pretty,” Senator Biden is mocking the gay lifestyle, while, in another dramatic development, New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s campaign staff has leaked an 8 millimeter film of Biden referring to Senator Clinton as “a wonderfully kooky chick.”

As D.C. sanitation workers put in overtime to clean up the debris from Biden’s implosion, a CNN/Paramount Pictures/Weekly Reader survey says the Biden miscue is a boon for former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack. Vilsack, whose national name recognition factor is four point behind that of Kresge, Montana sheriff Preston Imelmahaye, has now passed Biden in the polls. As of this morning, Vilsack is only 14 points both Sasparilla and Kooky Chick.