President "Congratifies" Pelosi; Rumsfeld Packs for Elba; Neo-Cons Build Mattress Fort

After Democratic gains in both the House and Senate, President Bush struck a conciliatory tone at a White House news conference.

The President agreed to bow to the will of the people. “You have to understand,” Mr. Bush said, “the enemies of freedom have triumphed. Sometimes that’s gonna happen.”

President Bush went on to announce that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld would be leaving office, “one minute and thirty seconds after I finish this sentence,” adding, “but that doesn’t mean a change of policy in Iraq. We’re not saying ‘stay the course.’ We’re not saying, ‘cut and run.’ We’ll meet, I’ll have options that I can decide from, and then we’ll continue promoting democracy in the region, indefinitely, or until we leave. Whichever comes first.”

A Washington Times reporter asked how the President took the news of this election. “Hey, there are gonna be some days that make the terrorists happy. It’s like married gays raising taxes during abortions. You don’t want it to happen. Your job is to make sure it doesn’t happen—which I did. And it never will. But when it does happen, you take your hat off, kick the mud off your boots, and congratify—which I did, I called Mrs. Pelosi, and Eddie Haskell—that’s what I call Clair McCaskill, out in Saint Louis and the greater Missouri tri-state area, and I congratified them. I appreciate what it is to win the voters.

“So—am I sad to see Rick Factotum get thrown out of Pennsylvania. Of course. He’s a patriot—like Sec’tary Rumsfeld. Do you want more good things to happen than things that are bad? Well, that’s just common sense.

“People claim that Congress is gonna start interfering with the policies of the United States government, start poking around in some classified areas, like oil. They’re gonna hear some hearings, because ‘sunshine is the best disinfectant.’ Well, it’s a free country to say that, but Lysol kills over 99% of germs on contact. So again, you’re all disinfected. But then you have a government that smells like bowling shoes.”

President "Congratifies" Pelosi; Rumsfeld Packs for Elba; Neo-Cons Build Mattress Fort

After Democratic gains in both the House and Senate, President Bush struck a conciliatory tone at a White House news conference.

The President agreed to bow to the will of the people. “You have to understand,” Mr. Bush said, “the enemies of freedom have triumphed. Sometimes that’s gonna happen.”

President Bush went on to announce that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld would be leaving office, “one minute and thirty seconds after I finish this sentence,” adding, “but that doesn’t mean a change of policy in Iraq. We’re not saying ‘stay the course.’ We’re not saying, ‘cut and run.’ We’ll meet, I’ll have options that I can decide from, and then we’ll continue promoting democracy in the region, indefinitely, or until we leave. Whichever comes first.”

A Washington Times reporter asked how the President took the news of this election. “Hey, there are gonna be some days that make the terrorists happy. It’s like married gays raising taxes during abortions. You don’t want it to happen. Your job is to make sure it doesn’t happen—which I did. And it never will. But when it does happen, you take your hat off, kick the mud off your boots, and congratify—which I did, I called Mrs. Pelosi, and Eddie Haskell—that’s what I call Clair McCaskill, out in Saint Louis and the greater Missouri tri-state area, and I congratified them. I appreciate what it is to win the voters.

“So—am I sad to see Rick Factotum get thrown out of Pennsylvania. Of course. He’s a patriot—like Sec’tary Rumsfeld. Do you want more good things to happen than things that are bad? Well, that’s just common sense.

“People claim that Congress is gonna start interfering with the policies of the United States government, start poking around in some classified areas, like oil. They’re gonna hear some hearings, because ‘sunshine is the best disinfectant.’ Well, it’s a free country to say that, but Lysol kills over 99% of germs on contact. So again, you’re all disinfected. But then you have a government that smells like bowling shoes.”

Lieberman to Join Cast of “Heroes”

Newly re-elected Connecticut Senator Joseph I. Lieberman has signed a six-episode deal to appear on NBC’s new series “Heroes.” “I think it’s important to emphasize,” Lieberman noted, “the producers came to me.”

Specifically, “Heroes” creator Tim Kring called the soon-to-be-four term senator, after Lieberman’s victory speech on Tuesday night in Hartford.

On that night, Lieberman noted, “I have now won re-election to the United States Senate as an independent candidate. I thank the great people of Connecticut for your support.

“Now that we have these results—you can see my superhuman powers revealed in the open. I am beyond any party or political idea. I am this planet, loving all the creatures in it, and drawing my massive strength from all living beings. Beneath my whiny, exhausted exterior, throbs the spirit and body of sleek leopard.

“I can hide my magnificence no longer. And now, I can confide in you, the adorable little citizens of this Nutmeg State, why I undertook my secret mission: I had to destroy the Connecticut Democratic Party in order to save it.

“In return for this I ask nothing. It is thanks enough to know that you’ll send me back for a fourth term in the U.S. Senate, where I shall reign as chairman of any and all committees I choose. For now, return to your towns and hamlets; enjoy the blessings of our victory, and know that I, Senator Joseph I. Lieberman, the only name you shall know me by, am ever standing, watching the sky, monitoring the great bodies of water, and doing your bidding in Washington.”

Friends of Chris Matthews

Here are some excerpted comments from “Hardball” host Chris Matthews, who co-anchored MSNBC’s election night coverage:

“It’s just a sad night to see so many wonderful people lose their jobs this year. I mean, a lot of these Republicans are terrific people.”

“I mean, come on—Ann Northrup of Kentucky, a really classy lady. A shame she got swept up in this anti-Bush vote. She’s been on “Hardball” many times, always friendly, always sweet, always nice. Very snappy dresser.”

“Don Sherwood from Pennsylvania. Hey Don, sorry you lost tonight, but you still owe me 60 bucks for that four-flush. Our Dads used to go fishing together.”

“Conrad Burns of Montana. My gosh, when I was knee high to a tadpole, Senator Burns gave me my first Sears catalog. “

“Jim Leach with his great sweater vests. He’s a real regular guy. If you ever want to know the best place to get cheap gas in Iowa, Jim Leach always knows.”

“Rick Santorum. People think of him as a bit conservative, but let me tell you, I was on a think tank camping retreat, and I had a thorn in my foot, and not only did he remove it and disinfect it, but he has never asked a favor in return. Hang in there Ricky.”
“Clay Shaw in Florida. My goodness, when I first met my wife, it was Clay Shaw who told me there are ‘plenty more fish in the sea.’ Ha ha ha. Take care of yourself, you old dog.”

Kerry Aides Hide Comedy Club Flyers

Two of Senator John Kerry’s senior staffers, Kara Plummer and Jake Dennis, spent much of Friday in a shredding session, destroying flyers received from comedy clubs around the country.

Kerry’s botched joke from earlier in the week drew attacks from the Bush administration, and last minute cancellations of Kerry’s appearances with Democratic candidates nationwide.

According to staffers for other Democratic legislators, the Senator Kerry (D-MA) has begun referring to himself as “Punchline” Kerry. The aides didn't want the senator to see the flyers for open mike nights just yet, though he has been trying out new material in front of staffers:

Kerry: Stop me if you’ve heard this one. It seems these two traveling salesman were discussing supply side economics with a Keynesian farmer's daughter.

Staffer: Ha ha. That’s terrific sir. Very funny. Very topical.

Kerry: Here’s a wordplay on the joke I messed up—“you’d better agree with this administration’s policies, or you end up on the rack.” Y’get it?

Staffer: “On the rack,” instead of “in Iraq.”

Kerry: No, the whole point is…well, yes, that’s exactly right.

Staffer: You’re a funny funny man, sir.

Kerry: Thanks. Hi, I just got into town after meeting with top senate Democrats about ways to help the terrorists and raise your taxes.

Staffer: Oh, stop, you’re killing me, Senator.

Kerry: Well, let’s see what’s new in Baghdad, or, as I like to call it, “Georgetown.”

Staffer: No, really. Stop.

Kerry: Gee, when can I use all this killer material?

Staffer: How about that civil rights dinner you’re doing with McCaskill, and Schumer and Obama?

Kerry: Well…but that’s in January!

Staffer: Yes it is, sir. Yes it is.