Obama Orders Lunch

Democratic front-runner Barack Obama ordered lunch today, in front of over 60,000 supporters at Lincoln Financial Field, in Philadelphia.

Mary’s Place Restaurant and Catering, of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, was reconstructed, straddling the fifty-yard line at the official stadium of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Wendy Marder, a Mary’s Place server, asked the senator, “What would you like to have first?”

Unfazed, Obama replied, “Wendy, this is not about what I’m going to have first. It’s about people all over this country, in big towns and small-- from the purple mountains majesty, to the neighborhoods where people struggle to be heard -- it’s about all of us coming first, for the first time in a long time... How are the scallops?”

After a roar from the crowd, Marder informed Senator Obama that the scallops were “delicious.”

The senator ordered them, along with “a turkey melt, piled so high, and cooked so gently, that all Americans who are hungry will sit at this table, at a place reserved just for them, not for the old bitter Arkansas-style barbecue of the past, but for a new sandwich of consensus, where the cheese joins with the turkey, where the onions drip onto the bread. Because a sandwich divided cannot stand."

After a five minute standing ovation, Marder replied, “Oh, it’s a pretty good sandwich.”

For dessert, Obama set a new precedent, declaring, “Wendeh, surprise me.”

An aide just then appeared, reminding the senator that Pennsylvania is north of the Mason Dixon line. Obama swiftly made the adjustment.

“Wendy, surprise me. Because, whether it’s Mary’s famous Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup Pie, Pineapple Mandarin Orange Cake, or one of the many surprises you bake every day here, or even if it’s a dish of sherbet, it’s important that each one of us gets to give voice to their creative spirit.

“And so, this afternoon, four score and seven minutes since we left the tarmac, it falls upon your shoulders, Wendy, to help us create a new nation, conceived in Liberty and allowing all bakers, chefs, waitstaff, and good old law abiding citizens, to innovate and bring whatever dessert they find it in their hearts to share.”

The crowd once again erupted, this time joined by a glittering Lincoln Financial Field fireworks display, after which Obama added,

"This is my meal, but I pledge today, that this meal will last as long as I serve in the Oval Office. Because I'll be there for you.

"I'll be all around in the dark. I'll be everywhere, wherever you can look. Wherever there's a fight so hungry people can eat, I'll be there. Wherever there's a cop beating up a guy, I'll be there. I'll be there in the way kids laugh when they're hungry an' they know supper's ready. And when the people are eating the stuff they raise and living in the houses they build, I'll be there too."

Is ANYONE Surprised By the “Hillary Monster” Story?

For months now, in chat rooms, e-mails, in small towns and in big cities, Obama supporters have been raving about Hillary Clinton. While Barack himself has been “above the fray” and serenading us about our Declaration of Independence, and Abraham Lincoln, his backers rip into Hillary.

And now, Obama advisor Susan Power tells a reporter that Hillary is a “monster” who will stoop to anything.

I’m glad this is finally out there in the open. Because it shows the similarities between Republicans and the Obama campaign, in their approach to Hillary Clinton. In fact, if you Google, Hillary Monster, after you scroll past the news results, you’ll get a series of alternating sites, between Obama supporters and conservatives, demonizing the Senator from New York. All we need now is for Barbara Bush to weigh in again with the “B-word”.

Here’s the Obama rationale. Any challenge Senator Clinton puts forward about Senator Obama: his resume, any flaw in his logic, any difference of opinion, any questions about his background, these are all “negative” or “dirty” politics.

The best recent example is the “3 AM phone call” commercial, that the Clinton campaign ran in Texas, Ohio, and several other states. The ad suggests that when the phone rings at three in the morning with a message about a terrorist or other enemy to America, Hillary’s experience makes her the one you want answering the phone.

In addition, out on the campaign trail, Ms. Clinton committed the heinous sin of saying that both she and Republican John McCain have far more experience than Senator Obama.

I can’t tell you how many obscenities Senator Clinton has inspired in the Obama camp with these messages.

It’s interesting, because months ago, I posted Senator Obama’s response to my open letter to all Democrats, asking them to stop bickering amongst themselves. His reply was that it was important to point out differences between them.

There’s nothing “dirty” about saying “I’m the one you want answering that phone.” And there’s nothing dirty about saying, “John McCain and I each have more experience.” Because the issue is going to be discussed, and better now than later.

Unless you’d rather discuss it in December, when someone says, “Yeah I voted for McCain instead of Obama. I just felt that McCain has more experience.”

Barack is the BOmb!!!

Hi there, Obama fans!

So nice to see so many of you here!

Just a few messages before you go back to your chat rooms.

Just for the teens and twenty somethings, hey, we’re all really flattered that you’ve decided to pay attention to what’s going on outside your laptop. What a relief that politics are cool! Please enjoy the whole ride. If for some reason, you don’t lock up the nomination, thanks for visiting the Democratic Party!

If, as expected Barack (Oooh! He’s so dreeeeamy!) captures the nomination, don’t forget to take a moment to stop calling Hillary every #@$!%-ed up name you can think of. First off, you really have no idea who she is! Just that she’s not Barack!! And second, guess whose help you’re gonna need to win the general campaign? No, not Lily Allen…nope, Hillary supporters! How f-ed up is that! OMG!!

Also, kids, if you do win the general election (fingers crossed!), thanks for visiting the political arena. Drive home safely. Now that you’ve elected a cool President, you can go back to ignoring matters that might involve conflict, and avoiding or ignoring people who disagree with you. ‘Cause they’re sooo negative!

If you’re a Governor of a State, or a Senator or Representative, who decided to go with Obama because your daughter or son told you to, that is just so sweet I don’t know where to begin. Thanks!

Listen, while we have a moment, could you give us your child’s opinion on health care, our relationship with China, our fiscal policy, how to deal with the two Koreas, how to extricate ourselves from Iraq and do the least possible damage, and a short list of Supreme Court nominees? Thanks! And good luck on that Trig quiz! Those are tough.

And finally, if you’re one of those supercool folks who’s joined the Obama campaign, because all of us are going to come together and solve all our problems, could you tell me, when we unite together, including people who didn’t vote for Obama (right…losers!), what are we going to do together?

Since it’s not about race, and it’s not about age, and it’s not about red states and blue states, and it's not about Barack, who is it about? And when he says, “Our time has come,” whose time is it?

That’d be awesome to know. Also, just for my own information—I hate missing the big news stories—when did the Republican Party announce their surrender?

Anyway, no worries. I’m sure everything’ll be just fine from now on.